You may be wondering why I'm nattering on about sensations that you are incapable of sensing, and, of course, I'm going to tell you. But first, allow me to briefly digress. I've told you before that:
-GF and I like watching cooking shows.
-GF and I have resisted getting cable or Dish TV.
-This limits the number of cooking shows available to us.
-Ergo, whenever we stay in a hotel, we tune the TV to the Food Network and just leave it there. Whether we pay any attention to it or not.
See? Don't those dishes all look terrific? My mouth is watering just looking at them! Which leads me to the one horrible and inevitable moment of frustration in every single episode of every single cooking show EVAR...when the chef takes a forkful of that day's creation and makes yummy-yummy noises and then, orgasmicly tells you how wonderful it tastes. Sorta like me telling you how wonderful magenta smells.
Which makes me feel really stupid for having watched in the first place. Not that it makes me change the channel before the next one begins. I mean, think about it -- there are countless hours of Television devoted to the culinary arts, and they all have one thing in common. They're all completely incapable of demonstrating the two most crucial senses involved in food preparation and consumption -- smell and taste.
Imagine, if you will, a new show on MTV called -- oh -- let's call it Listen to This Band! O.K., first you'd have to imagine that MTV still did shows about music, but stick with me here. The format of the show would be that some Music Aficionado goes around finding the best unknown bands in America. The show would feature footage of the band performing their awesomest bestest stuff and the Host would tell you all about them. There might be some interview stuff, but it's mostly about the music. But here's the twist. The show would never actually use the sound of the band playing...lots of footage of them playing, but instead of hearing the music, the Host would be describing it to you. "Oh, oh, oh....this is my favorite part. After the twin drumkits trade riff after riff, the two lead guitars chase each other up 7 octaves in a screaming duet...all building up to the climactic moment when the Sousaphone takes over and brings it all home! Whooooooaaaaaaaa, is that amazing?! You wouldn't think it'd work, but it's absolute GENIUS! Trust me...it's amazing!"
I don't think I'm giving away any secrets if I tell you that commercials for food products and restaurants use Professional Food Stylists to prepare what you see on-camera. They have all sorts of tricks they've learned over the years to make food look scrumptious. The food has to give off just the right amount of steam (which gets pumped through tiny little capillary tubes on cue). There have to be beautiful grill marks (made with overheated wires). The soda has to fizz just right (maybe with a dash of salt thrown in at the last moment)? And the ice cream (mashed potatoes?) can't melt under the lights. Most of the food you see on TV commercials is completely inedible.
I'm not trying to say that I suspect the cooking shows of cheating to that degree, but why should I trust them that the dish really is that good? If Emeril goes to all the trouble to tape himself preparing some dish, is there really any chance of him tasting it at the end and saying, "Holy Mother of Gawd, that didn't come out how I thought it would!"? Would Rachel Ray visit Bobby Flay, only to say, "This tastes of ash tray!"? I'm pretty sure I'll never see Jamie Oliver finish a show by telling his audience that the stereotypes were right all along -- English food tastes all like ass.
Ultimately, even knowing the futility of these shows, I suppose I'll keep on watching anyway. But I'll also always bear in mind the old adage, "Sometimes you've got to stop and smell the Magenta".
Which makes me feel really stupid for having watched in the first place. Not that it makes me change the channel before the next one begins. I mean, think about it -- there are countless hours of Television devoted to the culinary arts, and they all have one thing in common. They're all completely incapable of demonstrating the two most crucial senses involved in food preparation and consumption -- smell and taste.
Imagine, if you will, a new show on MTV called -- oh -- let's call it Listen to This Band! O.K., first you'd have to imagine that MTV still did shows about music, but stick with me here. The format of the show would be that some Music Aficionado goes around finding the best unknown bands in America. The show would feature footage of the band performing their awesomest bestest stuff and the Host would tell you all about them. There might be some interview stuff, but it's mostly about the music. But here's the twist. The show would never actually use the sound of the band playing...lots of footage of them playing, but instead of hearing the music, the Host would be describing it to you. "Oh, oh, oh....this is my favorite part. After the twin drumkits trade riff after riff, the two lead guitars chase each other up 7 octaves in a screaming duet...all building up to the climactic moment when the Sousaphone takes over and brings it all home! Whooooooaaaaaaaa, is that amazing?! You wouldn't think it'd work, but it's absolute GENIUS! Trust me...it's amazing!"
I don't think I'm giving away any secrets if I tell you that commercials for food products and restaurants use Professional Food Stylists to prepare what you see on-camera. They have all sorts of tricks they've learned over the years to make food look scrumptious. The food has to give off just the right amount of steam (which gets pumped through tiny little capillary tubes on cue). There have to be beautiful grill marks (made with overheated wires). The soda has to fizz just right (maybe with a dash of salt thrown in at the last moment)? And the ice cream (mashed potatoes?) can't melt under the lights. Most of the food you see on TV commercials is completely inedible.
I'm not trying to say that I suspect the cooking shows of cheating to that degree, but why should I trust them that the dish really is that good? If Emeril goes to all the trouble to tape himself preparing some dish, is there really any chance of him tasting it at the end and saying, "Holy Mother of Gawd, that didn't come out how I thought it would!"? Would Rachel Ray visit Bobby Flay, only to say, "This tastes of ash tray!"? I'm pretty sure I'll never see Jamie Oliver finish a show by telling his audience that the stereotypes were right all along -- English food tastes all like ass.
Ultimately, even knowing the futility of these shows, I suppose I'll keep on watching anyway. But I'll also always bear in mind the old adage, "Sometimes you've got to stop and smell the Magenta".















