Don't You Just Love The Smell of Magenta?

Hmmmmm!  Get a whiff of that color!  What?  You can't smell it?  Oh well; you'll just have to trust me.  As one of the world's leading experts in the field of Chromatic Aromatology, I assure you that Magenta is one of the most pleasingly fragrant of all the colors.  Not at all like the nasty, cloying scent of taupe.

You may be wondering why I'm nattering on about sensations that you are incapable of sensing, and, of course, I'm going to tell you.  But first, allow me to briefly digress.  I've told you before that:

-GF and I like watching cooking shows.
-GF and I have resisted getting cable or Dish TV.
-This limits the number of cooking shows available to us.
-Ergo, whenever we stay in a hotel, we tune the TV to the Food Network and just leave it there.  Whether we pay any attention to it or not.

We thrill at the novelty of non-stop TV Chefs chopping, grating, sauteing, braising, baking, poaching, mincing, zesting, stewing, blanching, caramelizing, marinading, deglazing, emulsifying, garnishing and plating.  We like the shows where they demonstrate how to do things.  We like the shows that are competitions.  They're all good.

But mostly, we like seeing the finished product and thinking, "Ooooooh, that looks good.  We should try that sometime"...which we promptly forget all about and never follow up on.

See?  Don't those dishes all look terrific?  My mouth is watering just looking at them! Which leads me to the one horrible and inevitable moment of frustration in every single episode of every single cooking show EVAR...when the chef takes a forkful of that day's creation and makes yummy-yummy noises and then, orgasmicly tells you how wonderful it tastes.  Sorta like me telling you how wonderful magenta smells. 

Which makes me feel really stupid for having watched in the first place.  Not that it makes me change the channel before the next one begins.  I mean, think about it -- there are countless hours of Television devoted to the culinary arts, and they all have one thing in common.  They're all completely incapable of demonstrating the two most crucial senses involved in food preparation and consumption  --  smell and taste.

Imagine, if you will, a new show on MTV called -- oh -- let's call it Listen to This Band! O.K., first you'd have to imagine that MTV still did shows about music, but stick with me here.  The format of the show would be that some Music Aficionado goes around finding the best unknown bands in America.  The show would feature footage of the band performing their awesomest bestest stuff and the Host would tell you all about them.  There might be some interview stuff, but it's mostly about the music.  But here's the twist.  The show would never actually use the sound of the band playing...lots of footage of them playing, but instead of hearing the music, the Host would be describing it to you.  "Oh, oh, oh....this is my favorite part.  After the twin drumkits trade riff after riff, the two lead guitars chase each other up 7 octaves in a screaming duet...all building up to the climactic moment when the Sousaphone takes over and brings it all home!  Whooooooaaaaaaaa, is that amazing?!  You wouldn't think it'd work, but it's absolute GENIUS!  Trust me...it's amazing!"

I don't think I'm giving away any secrets if I tell you that commercials for food products and restaurants use Professional Food Stylists to prepare what you see on-camera.  They have all sorts of tricks they've learned over the years to make food look scrumptious.  The food has to give off just the right amount of steam (which gets pumped through tiny little capillary tubes on cue).  There have to be beautiful grill marks (made with overheated wires).  The soda has to fizz just right (maybe with a dash of salt thrown in at the last moment)?  And the ice cream (mashed potatoes?) can't melt under the lights.  Most of the food you see on TV commercials is completely inedible.

I'm not trying to say that I suspect the cooking shows of cheating to that degree, but why should I trust them that the dish really is that good?  If Emeril goes to all the trouble to tape himself preparing some dish, is there really any chance of him tasting it at the end and saying, "Holy Mother of Gawd, that didn't come out how I thought it would!"?  Would Rachel Ray visit Bobby Flay, only to say, "This tastes of ash tray!"?  I'm pretty sure I'll never see Jamie Oliver finish a show by telling his audience that the stereotypes were right all along -- English food tastes all like ass.

Ultimately, even knowing the futility of these shows, I suppose I'll keep on watching anyway.  But I'll also always bear in mind the old adage, "Sometimes you've got to stop and smell the Magenta".

Oh Little Town Of Bethlehem...

Anon GF and I spent part of the weekend in Bethlehem, PA.  It was, more or less, just a quick getaway from NY to be lazy, eat, be lazy, look at stuff, and be lazy.  It's actually a really attractive town.  Enjoy some pictures!

This is what it looks like along Watts Street waiting to get into the Holland Tunnel. (This was really the last traffic we saw until we got back to the city and had to wait forever on the other side of the tunnel.)

A cool old advertisement on the wall of a building along Main Street in Bethlehem.

More Main Street

Looking toward the mountains outside of town. (I know these don't count as mountains for some of you.  Hey...they're the Poconos and they've had a long hard life!)

An old place outside of downtown.  I'd hate to see what Floyd's Worst Store looks like.

Here are a bunch of pretty houses right in the middle of town.  I'm thinking some of them belonged to Steel Mill owners and some were just for reasonably prosperous citizens.

This is a little guest house for the big-assed one that precedes it.

And then, outside of town, there's this farm house that's for sale.  It needs a little work.

Some great details, though!

I didn't bother hauling the camera with us everywhere we went.  We were being lazy!

Stay tuned for my next post because (cue dramatic music)...I had an EPIPHANY yesterday!  You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?

The Best Damned Mustard In The World!

I'm kind of a mustard aficionado. Not so much the knowledgeable part, but I am enthusiastic about the stuff.  We've usually got at least 5 or 6 types of mustard in the fridge at any given time.  I tend to pick up odd mustards when we see them at farmers' markets or little roadside shops. Admittedly, most of them are found to be wanting once I get a taste, but I like trying them anyway.

Coleman's, however is my "go to" mustard of choice.  I always try to keep a jar of it on hand.  So, of course, with the current jar in rotation getting down to the dregs, I picked up a fresh one when I went to the store a couple of days ago.  Apparently, our local Associated Supermarket thinks it's pretty fantastic stuff too!

Dang!  That's $11.52 per ounce!*  I've got some expensive tastes!
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*OK, the scanner had a brain fart, but the cashier didn't think twice about asking me for $65.00 before I pointed out the glitch.

Neatness Counts!

Well...today was the day.  Yup! I make sure to get a haircut every few months, whether I need it or not

BEFORE

 AFTER

I kind of wish this was a real Barber Shop instead of a "Hair Stylist".  A real Barber Shop shave (with hot towels and a straight razor), is a most excellent bit of pampering for men.  Getting your hair shampooed before the cut at a Hair Stylist runs a decent second place.  However, when the girl starts off by blasting your head with cold water, that ruins the moment a bit.  When she sticks her fingers inside your ears a few times, you just want to be done.  And I'm quite proud of myself for refraining from slapping her when she managed to spray the back of my shirt with water for a finale!

The haircut came out pretty good though, doncha think?

Some Random Stuff. With Updated Randomy Stuff.

Random #1:

Yesterday, I walked into the Dekalb Avenue Subway Station at about 9:00AM on the way to an appointment.  There were a couple of NYPD cops standing in the entry area with a folding table and the usual sign reading, "All backpacks and large packages are subject to random searches".  Like I said, this is usual.  They move these checkpoints around to various subway stations all the time and they actually do seem to be random in their approach.  Actually, I need to take that back -- I'm pretty sure I've never seen them actually searching anyone's bag.  I question the utility of this approach, but, at worst, it seems to be a waste of Police manpower, so...who cares.

But yesterday was different.  In addition to the two NYPD cops, there were three uniformed agents from the Transportation Security Administration.  Really?  TSA agents in the subways?  And they had a couple of hand-held devices sitting on the folding table.  I have no idea what these machines were.  My first thought was that they might be some kind of explosives sniffers.  They may have been Truth-O-Meters for use in questioning suspicious characters.  For all I know, they were raffle ticket dispensers for the TSA Annual Gala Ball.

But I did find it extremely disconcerting seeing TSA agents in the Subway system. I suddenly had the almost unavoidable urge to remove my shoes.  I found myself wondering if I'd be allowed to proceed through the turnstile with my 12 oz. bottle of water.  I suddenly wondered if I had proper I.D. and whether or not my MetroCard would pass muster to establish me as a "ticketed traveler".

Needless to say, neither the cops, nor the TSA agents took any notice of me whatsoever.  In fact, they didn't seem to be paying attention to anyone at all.  I did notice that the two cops were talking to each other while ignoring the TSA agents and vice versa.  It was like a grownup version of the cool kids tables in High School -- except I'm not sure who qualified as cool in this instance.

And, it turns out that this has been going on since at least April and I just never saw it before.  My knee-jerk, visceral reaction is that I don't like it, but, ultimately, I think it's probably more stupid than evil, so I'll ignore it for the moment.  Feel free to convince me otherwise.

Random #2:

I ran across this article yesterday and thought it was pretty cool.  You may or may not be familiar with DonorsChoose.org.  Teachers around the country post wish lists for stuff they'd like for their classrooms or pet projects.  Donors look through the requests and can decide to fund one or more teachers' appeals.  Well, Hilda Yao, executive director of the Claire Giannini Fund decided to fund every Teacher in California's projects in one fell swoop.  To the tune of 1.3 million dollars.  And threw in another $100,000 for other teacher's requests for good measure.

That's pretty cool.

Random #3:

I've mentioned how "shopping" for stuff to read on my nook™ is a new experience that I'm still getting used to.  I don't especially like how B&N arranges the stuff on its website for browsing.  They make it a little difficult to get past the stuff they're pushing to find the stuff I might want. I can't really blame them, but I still prefer wandering through shelves and looking at whatever catches my eye.  Yeah, yeah -- I know -- the way the arrange the shelves is just as much a form of manipulation, but it's one that I'm accustomed to.  Using the website is still a more frustrating experience for me.

Anyway, a couple of nights ago, I had finished my most recent reads on paper* and decided to see what B&N had to offer on a whim. I ran across A Columbus of Space by Garrett Putman Serviss.  This book is part of Google's effort to digitize everything ever committed to paper, and like a lot of these things, it's free!  So, I figured, what the hell -- Science Fiction published in 1911 ought to be good for a hoot at the very least.

The book turns out to be about some guy who discovers the secrets of atomic power and builds himself a space ship.  He kidnaps a few people from his Gentlemen's Club (which meant something different in 1911), and takes them off on a journey to Venus.  I couldn't finish the book.  It...uh...sucks.

I'm not talking about quaint ideas and imaginings from 100 years ago .... I figured those might be fun.  I have no problem with the breathable atmosphere on Venus in his book.  I'm not bothered by the fact that he imagines wearing a fur coat will protect his characters on the shaded side of Venus.  I don't mind the gorilla-like creatures with whom he populates the planet (although once his protagonist learns to communicate with them, I might have liked to hear what they had to say on occasion). I don't suppose I'm even too put off by the fact that the prejudices of the writer's time come through front and center.  The "aliens" (or "natives"?) are treated more like an isolated tribe found in the Amazon Rain Forest than an entirely new species on another planet.  When the Earthlings shoot one of the first aliens they encounter and then, accidentally kill a few more of them while using them as Sherpas, their attitude is "Oh well, there's more where they came from". I did find it entertaining to see how the author dealt with the problem of explaining atomic power. Each time it came up, he'd have his narrator tell his audience that "they'd be bored by the details", or that "they wouldn't understand". 

I could have dealt with any or all of those problems.  They probably make for a fairly accurate portrayal of attitudes in 1911.  What I couldn't deal with was the writing style.  Once you decipher the vernacular of the time, you're left with the equivalent of a Third-Grader's report on what his family did during the summer.  And then we got on the spaceship and went to Venus.  And when we landed, something broke, but that's not important and we won't bother talking about it again.  Then the gorilla-people came and Joey shot one of them, but that was OK, 'cause the other gorilla-people decided to behave themselves and they helped us go to the other side of the planet, but some of them died and then some other stuff happened.  THE END.

Actually, I gave up long before the end.  If you're curious, his works are easily found online.

I may have more randomness later.  We'll just see, won't we?

Random #4: (of the updatey kind)

I had an MRI yesterday.  When I made the appointment, I was asked if I was claustrophobic.  When discussing it with relatives, I was coached on the wonders of Valium.  I was warned about how hard it is to keep still for such an extended period of time.  In short...all of the warnings about what might freak me out had me freaking out before I got there.

Well...nothing about it freaked me out except the expectations.  In fact, the technician had to keep waking me up so I'd hold my breath on command. It was the most relaxing 1/2-hour I've had in ages! I'm thinking of buying a replica (complete with clunky sound effects), for lulling me to sleep when insomnia strikes.  Or maybe I'll just try sleeping in a partially disassembled hot water heater.  That's about the right size and shape.

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*dream called time by S.L. Viehl, Night of the Living Trekkies by Kevin David Anderson and Sam Stall, and Day After Night by Anita Diamant -- all three were good reads.

Something's Rotten In Stockholm

You may recall the episode some time ago when John The Scientist made me eat Stinky Tofu. OK, he didn't so much make me eat it as he double-dog dared me to eat it. And since I've attained the maturity of a 4-year-old, of course I accepted.

Today, John is in our Nation's Capital and he's meeting up with Neurondoc for a lovely meal.  I know he was taking her to a place that serves Stinky Tofu, and last I heard, she may, in fact, have tried the stuff.  I'll let one of them report.  But I do have to say that I'll be mildly disappointed if she caved and tried any.  I mean, hey -- I'm just some doofus who works on movies for a living.  She's a freakin' highly educated BRAIN DOCTOR.  I'd hope she'd have a little better impulse control than me.  Ah well.

Since we're on the subject of disgusting delicacies, I thought I'd make you aware of something I discovered online today: Surstömming.  Like many "delicacies", Surstömming turns out to be something someone's ancestors used to eat because they had no way of preserving food and now, the food is a tradition and young people have to pretend they actually like it.  Essentially, it's herring that's been left to rot for 2-6 months (or more!) and then eaten.  Here's a hint.  Remember how your mother taught you not to buy stuff in dented or bloated cans because it was a possible sign of botulism?  This is what a can of Surstömming is supposed to look like before you know it's ready.

For many, surströmming is known as one of the most offensive delicacies in the world, rivaling other objectionable treats like southeast Asia's durian fruit or Norway's lutefisk. The foul odour comes from a cocktail of different bacteria that produce carbon dioxide and numerous other compounds. These conspire to create a smell similar to rotten eggs mixed with rancid butter and vinegar. A website dedicated to odd foodstuffs describes the delicacy as "the foulest-smelling food you can ever imagine."

The stuff is banned on Air France, KLM and British Airways flights because the airlines consider the cans to be "potentially explosive".  While some Apartment buildings prohibit bringing the delicacy into the building, others merely suggest that you put up a sign notifying your neighbors that you'll be eating it so that people know there isn't a gas leak.  Others recommend that you only open the cans under water or in a freezer to contain the initial (and worst) release of stink.

I'm letting it be known here that nobody stands a chance of shaming me into trying any surstömming.  I'm officially off most any fermented food you can think of.  Except maybe fermented unicorn.  I don't know how unicorn is traditionally prepared, but I'll defer to others' knowledge of the subject if they can get their hands on some good prime unicorn!

Sushi For Everyone!

Yay!  It turns out that if you live in NYC, you're the proud recipient of FREE SUSHI!  Here's the deal.

NYC gets its water from a bunch of upstate reservoirs.  The water is so clean that its exempt from Federal and State filtration requirements.  It's pumped into pipes from roughly 60' below the surface of the reservoirs and, basically, comes straight to your tap. I know they add chlorine and fluoride somewhere along the line and there must be some kind of screens involved, otherwise, the pipes would get clogged with fish.  But, otherwise, we're drinking water straight from the lakes!

I'm not going to go look for the stuff, -- you guys know how I hate documenting things -- but NYC tap water also rates among the tastiest in the nation year after year.  (There's blind taste testing and stuff and somebody with time on their hands does that stuff and tells the rest of us about it eventually.)  Some podunk in Wisconsin apparently has the best tasting water, but since there's only like 12 people living there, who gives a rat's ass?

So, back to the sushi.  It seems that some itty-bitty microscopic shrimp get through the screens and we're all drinking shrimp with our water.  They range from .8 to 1.4 mm in length (the females are the bigger ones -- stupid big females). They're actually known as copepods (who knew?) and they do nifty stuff like eating mosquito larvae.  Yay copepods! (cough, cough, gag.)

Of course, the first thing I thought of when I read about this was, "Holy Crap!  Does that mean the water isn't kosher?"  I thought I was kidding, but no...it turns out I"m not.  OUKosher.org recommends installing a water filter and some other stuff, which, I guess is reasonable.  I mean, keeping kosher requires jumping through quite a few hoops already; is adding a water filter to the mix really that much more work?  (When I was in working in Cincinnati, we had to use bottled water to make coffee.  I don't know if things have changed there, but in the mid-90's, their tap water was nasty!)

I'm not going to go back to keeping kosher, so I'm not going to bother with the filters.  In fact, I'm going to consider the sushi a freebie!  And my doctor said I should be eating more seafood!

P.S.  Thanks to Steve, I was able to participate in yet another utterly pointless exercise!  If you download IOGraph, you can create a visual record of everywhere you mouse has moved for as long as you like!  Here's what it looked like creating this post:

The great thing about this, is, that unlike other pointless stuff on the internet, this one does its bit while you're doing other stuff.  It isn't even a waste of time!