Today, Donald Trump declared victory. Actually, nothing so crass as that; he proclaimed his pride in putting a disgraceful question to rest (while leaving the door open to claiming nothing of the sort has really happened and making sure the next controversy was conveniently standing by in the wings).
"Today, I'm very proud of myself because I've accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish. I was just informed, while on the helicopter, that our president has finally released a birth certificate. I'd want to look at it, but I hope it's true, so that we can get on to much more important matters; so the press can stop asking me questions. He should have done it a long time ago. Why he didn't do it when the Clintons asked for it; why he didn't do it when everybody else was asking for it, I don't know. But I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully, getting rid of this issue.After patting himself on the back a little more, he continued:
Now, we have to look at it. We have to see, is it real. is it proper? What's on it? But I hope it checks out beautifully. I am really proud, I am really honored. "
The Donald has also been questioning the President's academic record. He's recently said, "The word is; I've heard he was a terrible student. How does a bad student go to Columbia and then go to Harvard? How does that happen?"
We can get onto issues, and hopefully, when I sit down with interviews, people don't start talking about birth certificate, birth certificate like they've been doing.
So I feel I've accomplished something really, really important. And I'm honored by it.
I truly hope Mr. Trump gets to the bottom of this conundrum. And then I hope he gets to the bottom of whatever controversy he hears about next. Because, frankly, I wouldn't want Mr. Trump to have to waste any more of his time than necessary answering interviewers' questions about all the stuff he's heard.
Which is why, in the interest of getting this early campaign season off and running on a classier level, I'm asking Mr. Trump to respond to something I've heard; namely, that he has a tiny little dick. I don't say I believe this, but I think it's necessary for Mr. Trump to respond to this and put it to rest so interviewers will only ask me more important questions about Mr. Trump.
Like I said, I don't necessarily believe this ugly rumor, but it's one I think Mr. Trump should answer to the satisfaction of the American people. It's important. It may not be a Constitutional requirement, but historically, having a big one is a prerequisite for being our Commander in Chief. Other presidents have proudly addressed the question. What is Mr. Trump hiding?
Anyway, Mr. Trump, I assure you I've got the purest of motives here, but I feel we deserve evidence. Show us the evidence. Then I'll be able to say, "Today, I'm very proud of myself because I've accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish. I want to look at it, but I hope it's true, so that we can get on to much more important matters. I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully, getting rid of this issue.
Now, we have to look at it. We have to see, is it real. is it proper? What's on it? But I hope it checks out beautifully. I am really proud, I am really honored."
Oh, and Donald...It's well documented that 1946, the very same year you were "born", was a big year for UFO sightings. This could just be a coincidence. Or is it? Stop dodging the Alien Impregnation Issue! The American people deserve the truth!