I suppose I may be suffering from a bit of selective amnesia, but I can't remember a Presidential Campaign season so filled with candidates who really, really, really didn't want to run, but God told them they had to. Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry have all explained that to some extent or another, their campaigns are divinely inspired. In Michele's case, since she has to defer to her husband in everything, I'm assuming the actual instructions were delivered through him. And it was Anita Perry who "saw the burning bush" and passed on God's mandate to Rick. (For months, Sarah Palin claimed to be waiting for a sign from God and I have a hard time believing He never gave her the word or told her not to run. It's a lot more likely she was prattling on about something or other and just missed the message.)
I mean, c'mon; think about it. Even the most religious people look at you a little funny when you start saying God's been talking to you.
God says "Make Crazy Harry next Pope or We show you what Great Flood was like."
Even back when you couldn't walk six feet without tripping over one God or another, your neighbors were likely to just ignore you when you started saying things like "God doesn't want you eating oysters. He told me so"!
Moses took 40 years of shit for claiming he was having conversations with God.
(Oops, wrong Moses movie.)
And Moses didn't just say, "Trust me. God's got our back". He had evidence! He had Egyptian-smiting plagues, parting of seas and food dropping out of the sky twice a day -- always an open table, no waiting! Think about it; Moses gives them 40 years of miracles and the best he can get out of the Israelites is "Sure he's bug-fuck crazy, but he's got the map. What're ya gonna do?"
I don't know about you - (he uttered rhetorically with a wink) - but I have a problem with candidates who hear voices and make decisions based on them.
March 4, 2013; 3:21a.m. (in a scary potential White House bedroom):
Anita:"Wake up Rick! God's on the hotline!"
Rick: "I'm sleeping, dear. Can you take a message?"
Anita: "Riiiiiick! It's God. And He sounds peeved!"
Rick: "Fine, Honey. Just give me the highlights."
Anita: "Well, some of it is more impressions than specific information, but the gist seems to be that you're supposed to walk in a counterclockwise circle around the Lincoln Memorial 7 times while playing a trumpet next Tuesday. Then you should offer up 3 white sheep, 2 chickens and a yearling ox as a burnt offering to the Lord. After you've finished with that, He wants you to smite the Hittites. And He's not pleased with the Log Cabin Republicans, either. He thinks they could use a little smiting too."
Rick: "Uh huh. I'm not sure I can act on such a vague message but I'll take it up with the Cabinet in the morning. Was there anything else?"
Anita: "Yes. He thinks we should pay a State Visit to Hedonism II. And redecorate The Residence."
It's not that I deny the possibility that God is instructing half of the Republican contenders; I just have a healthy bit of skepticism about it. I mean, why isn't He picking just one horse and betting the farm on that one? Or maybe one of them really has the Supreme Blessing and the other ones are just delusional pikers? And how long before they start outing each other?
17th Republican Candidates Debate:
Moderator: "Governor Perry. If you are elected as the next President and find yourself having to work with a Democrat dominated Congress, how do you intend to get your programs enacted?"
Rick Perry: "Well, let me just quote Ezekiel -- 'And as for them, whether they listen or not – for they are a rebellious house – they will know that a prophet has been among them'."
Michelle Bachmann (interrupting): "Governor, I knew Ezekiel! Ezekiel was a friend of mine! Governor, you're no Ezekiel!"
Audience: "SMITE! SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!"
It's not like there aren't a few precedents for God telling one guy to pass on an important message and then watching while all of His children just point and laugh at the guy. You'd think after all this time, He might try telling the rest of us what He has in mind and which guy to vote for. I don't want to tell God how to do his business -- I'm just sayin'.
I don't suppose any of this makes any difference since I'm planning to vote for Obama, whichever horse the Republicans choose to put in the race. I will, however reconsider that decision if only one Republican is left standing because all of the others fell victim to frogs, boils, locusts and diseased livestock. Hey, I'm skeptical, but it's not like you have to hit me over the head to get through to me.
I would point out one other possibility in response to this, however:
I mean, why isn't He picking just one horse and betting the farm on that one?
I think even the most casual student of Middle Eastern history may recall that Big G has something of a record of promising the same exact parcel of real estate to multiple groups of chosen people. Could be He's forgetful. Could be He likes stirring shit up. Either way, He probably ought to skip a personal appearance at the debates:
God: Hi, everybody! How y'all doin'?
Michele: Thank You You're here! Tell all these people that you told my husband I should be President!
Rick: No! Tell them you told my wife that I should be President!
Michele: Hey! Which one is it? Me or him?
(There's an awkward pause....)
Mitt: Waaaaaait a second--did you tell both their spouses they should run?
God: Well. Um. You know, I know this'll sound really weird, but it's kinda hard to keep everything straight when you're all-knowing. It's ironic. You know, like the song. One time I gave a New Yorker a bunch of golden plates I'd forgotten to give Jesus and then I got totally caught up in micromanaging the personal lives of a few million beetles I can't even remember why I created in the first place any more, and the next thing I knew the guy was dead and all his followers were living in Utah of all places, which was NOT what I'd had in mind but at that point they seemed pretty settled in and I felt kind of guilty for dropping the ball so I didn't say anything and sort of let it ride.
(Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman glare.)
Herman: But which one of us should be President?
Newt: And tell my wives what you told me about having to sleep around for America!
God: Hey look! Those quarks are doing something cool! Gottagobye!
(God vanishes in a puff of smoke and light. We close curtains as chaos erupts.)
I wasn't fer sure what "chortling" was, but I do believe that's what I was doing while reading this post! Or maybe that was an evil laugh. Whatever, I got as much enjoyment over knowing you made me chortle as from the chortlable piece of writing itself!
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