Thursday, May 19, 2011
By now, I guess you all know you've only got a day-and-a-half until all the really holy people get lifted up offa this here earth and the rest of us - myself definitely included -- get left behind! Well, there's been a lot of misinformation running around and since I know stuff, I thought I'd try to set the record straight on a few things.
First off, they've got the date wrong. If there's an imminent rapture, it won't happen until sometime after 5:00pm EST on Wednesday May 25th. Do any of you idiots really think Oprah would schedule her last show to take place after the rapture? I mean, c'mon! She's Oprah, dammit. If she doesn't know this stuff, nobody does. I'm not saying she's scheduled to be leaving, but she definitely counts the rapturable among her target audience. There's no way in hell, no pun intended, she'd give up one scintilla of market share for such a momentous occasion. Ergo, no rapture until after Oprah's last show.
This is one popular view of how the rapture will take place.
Actually, if there's a rapture, I think it'll look more like this.
Another subject I'd like to address is looting. There's a meme going around about how it's gonna be prime looting season immediately after the rapture takes place. Clearly that's just bullshit. Think for a minute people.
First of all, from what I hear, the criteria for being taken up in the rapture is pretty narrow and the guest list is going to be really, really small. If you think looting after the rapture is going to be easy pickings, you should remember that the competition is going to be fierce.
You, will then be free to just waltz in and take the inflatable mattresses and blankets and stuff that are all still quite useful. In the meantime, your brick and campfire will have become the state of the art panini maker. You're king of the hill.
If you're only scraping along during this period, don't worry too much; according to the prophesies, you've only got to hang on for another 5 months. And why, you may wonder would you bother trying so hard to hang on if the end is a mere 5 months in the future? Well, apparently, if you make it to the End of the World, you get a free pass on Hell. (I don't know why, I just report the news as I find it!) Anyway, by the luck of the draw, if you were a total fucktard (or a mere unbeliever) during eons of history (or 6000 years, as long as you're rubbing our noses in it), you went STRAIGHT TO ETERNAL DAMNATION IN HELL as soon as you died. But if you can hold out until the End of the World™, you become -- as it were -- an ex-parrot; You merely cease to be!
Personally, I'm hoping that parts of this (the worthy being raptured) are true, while other parts (cataclysmic events) are not. Think about it. The rapture happens, and from your point of view, nothing is different. But a couple of weeks later, you realize it's been ages since anybody rang your doorbell trying to bring you the Good News. You can't remember when the last time was you saw that guy standing on the corner speaking in tongues at the top of his lungs. Suddenly, you realize that some of the most annoying people on Earth...aren't anymore.*
I don't know what all of the rapture-worthy** are going to be doing in Heaven, but at least it'll be fairly peaceful here on Earth for the last few months.
*I regret to inform you that TV Evangelists will still be on the air since none of them believed any of the snake oil they were selling in the first place.
**There's an old joke about St. Peter having a bunch of people in Heaven's Elevator and each time he stops, he announces which denomination that particular floor is for. At one point, he announces, "Folks, I need you to all be really quiet while we pass the 437th floor. That's where we keep the Evangelicals and it would totally ruin their afterlife if they found out anybody else was here."
Posted by Nathan at 3:21 PM