The NY Daily News has what they're calling the Worst Celebrity Feuds. I'm shallow and all, so I decided to take a look. And it wasn't really long before I found myself thinking,"Who the fuck are these people"? There are 54 Celebrity Feuds and you can go there and see what they're all about if you like, but I'm just going to list them and tell you (because you need to know), which ones I've ever heard of.
BTW, recognizing a name isn't enough for me to say I've "heard of them" in this context. Example: I've heard of Heidi Montag, but only because she's apparently trying to become a cyborg. I have no idea how she got to be famous in the first place, so she goes into the don't-know-who-the-hell-they-are column.
And since I'm sure you'll notice some patterns, I'll follow it up with some statistical analysis.
1. Chelsea Handler vs. Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee - -heard of both, but I'm not sure I'd recognize McGee's name without the picture of the tatooed carnival lady.
2. Lindsay Lohan vs. George Lopez - heard of both.
3. Bethenny Frankel vs. Jill Zarin - no idea who either of them are.
4. Howard Stern vs. Gabourey Sibide's mom - I know who both are, but technically only know who the mom is by the name "Gabourey Sidibe's mom".
5. Conan O'Brien vs. NBC - know both. (is NBC really a celebrity?)
6. Lily Allen vs. Courtney Love - know who love is - don't know who Lily Allen is. (spoiler: beginning of a pattern here!)
7. Dina & Lindsay Lohan vs. Michael Lohan - know who all of them are.
8. Johnny Weir vs. Canadian broadcasters -know them both (but not the Canadian Broadcasters by sight.)
9. Johnny Weir vs. 'Stars on Ice' -know both of them, (but not Stars on Ice by sight.)
10. Pink vs. Prince William - know who both are. (Note: Pink is the first person on this list that rates any of my attention. Conan would have counted, but I have to admit that only the feud with NBC put him back on my radar in any fashion.)
11. Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell - know who both of them are. (I'm mostly making this list without any judgments about the people, but I just have to note that Rosie really makes my skin crawl.)
12. Nicole Kidman vs. Sharon Osbourne -know who both are.
13. Denise Richards vs. Heather Locklear -know who both are.
14. James Cameron vs. Glenn Beck -know who both are. (and believe it or not, Rosie makes my skin crawl worse than Glenn does.)
15. Sarah Palin vs. Levi Johnston -know who both are.
16. Sarah Palin vs. Rush Limbaugh -know who both are.
17. Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift - know who both are.
18. Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields -know who both are.
19. Tom Cruise vs. South Park - know who both are.
20. Hilary Duff vs. Faye Dunaway -know who both are.
21. Elton John vs. Lily Allen -know who Elton John is...not Lily.
22. Shanna Moakler vs. Paris Hilton -know who Paris is...not sure about Shanna.
23. Kanye West vs. 50 Cent - know who both are (but from the pictures, I thought 50 cent was Tracy Morgan at first.)
24. Lindsay Lohan vs. Scarlett Johansson -know who both are.
25. Jamie Foxx vs. Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus -know who they all are.
26. Al Roker vs. Speidi -know who Al is. I know that Speidi is two people, but nothing more.
27. Eminem vs. Mariah Carey -know who both are.
28. Paris Hilton vs. Lindsay Lohan-know who both are.
29. NeNe Leakes vs. Kim Zolciak -not a clue on either one.
30. Bethenny Frankel vs. Rachel Zoe -also no idea.
31. Mischa Barton vs. Paris Hilton -yes Paris, I think Barton is an actress...don't know in what.
32. Katie Price vs. Pamela Anderson -yes Pamela, no Katie.
33. Lily Allen vs. Victoria Beckham-yes Victoria; still no to Lily.
34. Lily Allen vs. Katy Perry - yes Katy; still no to Lily.
35. David Letterman vs. Sarah Palin - yes to both.
36. Lindsay Lohan vs. Stevie Nicks -yes to both.
37. Kristen Cavallari vs. Audrina Patridge -no to both.
38. Lauren Conrad vs. Speidi- no to all three.
39. Spencer Pratt vs. Mary-Kate Olsen- yes to Mary-Kate; no to Spencer.
40. Susan Boyle vs. Sharon Osborne - yes (I know this one so well that I caught the daily news captioning Sharon Osborne with Sharon Stone's name.)
41. Clay Aiken vs. Adam Lambert God forgive me, I know who both of these people are.
42. Jon Gosselin vs. Bethenny Frankel -Gosselin yest (but it's not my fault); Frankel no.
43. Will.i.am vs. Perez Hilton-yes to both (but I couldn't have placed Will.i.am in the right band without the article telling me.)
44. Perez Hilton vs. Demi Moore and Kirstie Alley yup.
45. Whitney Houston vs. Wendy Williams-yup.
46. Anne Heche vs. Coley Laffoon -Anne yes; Lafoon no. Lafoon? Really?
47. Jim Belushi vs. David Cross - Jim yes; David no.
48. Rachelle Lefevre vs. Summit Entertainment- Rachelle no (although I'll assume she's an actress); Summit Entertainment yes (and once again, we have a corporate celebrity?)
49. Tyler Perry vs. Spike Lee-yup.
50. Beyoncé vs. Etta James -yup.
51. Tom Cruise vs. Brad Pitt-yup.
52. Christina Aguilera vs. Britney Spears -yup.
53. Nicole Richie vs. Paris Hilton-yup.
54. Suzanne Somers vs. 'Three's Company'- Suzanne yes; Three's Company yes.
So, let's look at some results here:
-I count 91 individual celebrities involved in these 54 feuds, although NBC and Three's Company could be a whole lot more each.
-I have no idea who 17 of them are -- an 18.7% don't-know-shit factor. I'm not sure if that counts as good or not. I do know it won't get me a job at TMZ.
-Lindsay Lohan in involved in 5 of these feuds.
-Paris Hilton is involved in 4.
-Lily Allen has 4.
-Bethany Frankel is in 3 feuds.
-Sarah Palin has 3.
-Tom Cruise has 3.
-A few people are involved in 2 feuds, including Rosie O'donnell (only she doesn't know she's in a feud with me, so I'm not sure that counts).
Feel free to play along if you don't have anything else to do today.