But TAPA is tirelessly fielding questions from his loyal readers and seeking to enlighten them with perceptive and educated answers.
Well, it's my turn now, Mr. TAPA! Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to tell us how this damned piece of office machinery works.
Witness, The Office Depot, Heavy Duty 120 Page Stapler. We can't get it to staple anything. It refuses to force any staples at all to pierce any sheets of paper at all. We haven't actually tried, but I'm confident in saying we wouldn't be able to get it to staple a single sheet of one-ply toilet paper.
This is extremely disappointing to us. I mean, just look at that sucker! This bad boy is just chock full of X (and Y) Chromosomes...
I've tried. Our POC has tried. Our APOC has tried. A veritable trail of broken-hearted Office PA's have tried. We even let a Producer try. (None of us really had any expectations from that, but he does sign all the checks, so who was gonna tell him No?)
We've gotten this little doohickey to swing out, but you're looking at its full extension. That seems particularly useless.
We know how to put staples in and we know how to get them back out -- just not through the firing mechanism. We actually, quite like pulling out the little spring-loaded thing in the end -- that's as close as we come to successfully operating this thing.
Look! It releases.
And then it comes all the way out.
And then, we can put staples in or take staples out. We even attempt to make it staple something each time we get this far. I don't know why we expect a different outcome. It just seems worth trying...so we do.
Looking at this thing, it seems like you ought to be able to pull something up backwards...you know, the way you can with a regular old wussy stapler. But you can't. Or, at least if you can, we haven't been able to find the release that allows that. (We've tried forcing it too. No Joy.)
Please help us Anonymous Production Assistant. We just want to staple the way the kids at the big shows do.
P.S. If you can solve our problem for us, I promise to create (and send to you) some sort of crappy Certificate of Appreciation that you can frame and conspicuously display near your desk. That's gotta be worth something.