We have primary elections coming up here in NY. I don't live in Manhattan, so I don't get to vote there...so I don't really pay a whole lot of attention to the races there. That being said, since Robert Morgenthau, who is 90 and has been the Manhattan District Attorney for the last thirty-four years, is finally retiring, the DA position is finally up for grabs again.
Cy Vance, Jr., Leslie Crocker Snyder and some other guy (who doesn't seem to be a factor by anyone's reckoning), are all running for the post. I won't claim to know anything about any of them. Like I said, I haven't been paying attention since I don't get a say.
But, this morning, I saw one of Ms. Snyder's ads on TV. It seems that Mr. Vance (Jr.) was a defense attorney in Seattle from 1988 to 2004. He's originally from NY, but, for whatever reason, he went west to start his career. Ms. Snyder stayed in NY, worked in the DA's office and then became a Judge. Those seem like fairly good credentials to run on. But she's behind in the polls, so now, she's running against Vance's history.
Her new ad says, "Cyrus Vance fled to Seattle to defend murderers, rapists" and some other bunch of low-lifes I can't quite quote at the moment. I think it was about doctors accused of fraud. My reaction? OMG! A defense attorney defended BAD PEOPLE! I think that's kinda stupid and really hitting below the belt.
So, even though I have no dog in this race, and as I've admitted before, know nothing about the candidates, I think I'll lend my expertise to Mr. Vance for the purposes of rebutting this attack. Here is the ad I'd release if I were him. (Note: Mr. Vance should feel free to use this ad without attribution or remuneration. I would appreciate any slack he can cut me in the event I'm arrested in his jurisdiction and I'd like him to do something about the word remuneration, which I've always thought was kind of a funny word and just a little bit counter-intuitive, if you know what I mean.)
Anyway, here's what I'd run.
Visual: Shot of Cyrus Vance, Jr. catching babies as they're tossed from the window of a burning building. The shot widens to show that he's standing with one foot on the neck of a handcuffed man, presumably the arsonist. He may, or may not, be wearing a cape.
Audio: Cyrus Vance, Jr. has always stood for Truth, Justice and the American Way. His opponent, Leslie Crocker Snyder, however, is known to have THREE NAMES. Do you know who else had three names?
Visual: Cut to shot of Leslie Crocker Snyder wearing clown makeup. (This can be photoshopped if real pictures can't be found.)
Audio: That's right! John Wayne Gacy! And do you know who else had three names?
Visual: Cut to shot of Crocker Snyder poking her head out of a window at the Dallas School Book Depository.
Audio: Right again! Lee Harvey Oswald had three names. Yes, friends...the list goes on and on back through history. From Idi Amin Dada all the way back to Attila the Hun, Evil has had THREE NAMES! And she wants you to elect her over a man named Cyrus Vance, Jr.
Visual: Cut to a shots of happy people.
Audio: While she's parading around her Three Names, please consider the following people: Sammy Davis, Martin Luther King, Hank Williams, Harry Connick...all Juniors. Dale Earnhardt and Ken Griffey...Juniors! By God...even those hamburgers out west are named for Carl's JUNIOR!
Audio continues: The choice is clear...You can vote for a Junior...(overdub sound of a celestial choir), or you can elect a woman with THREE NAMES! (overdub sounds of gunshots and screaming).
Tag: My name is Cyrus Vance, JUNIOR and I approved this ad!
This has been my contribution to civil discourse for the morning. You're welcome.