Sunday, November 8, 2009

Just Hold It Right There! I've Got A Blog And I'm Not Afraid To Use It!

Polybloggimous is fast approaching its second birthday and I'm pleased to announce that it has been a force for good in the world. Yeah, that's right! Occasionally things have pissed me off and I've raced to my laptop to tell the world all about it. I'm quite proud of my record of fearlessly taking on giant corporations, international bestsellers and, even clueless kids toiling (poorly) at their first forays into the world of employment.

While it's true that any one of these entities might have come after me seeking retribution...or even just wishing to silence my lone voice in the dark, I haven't allowed myself to be deterred. I'll admit that when I first began revealing the problems I encountered in the world, I thought my little opinions would pass unnoticed. I thought, "I'm just one little guy with one little blog. Will my voice be heard?" Well I'm happy to tell you that the world is a better place today, due, in part to some brave stands I've taken here at Polybloggimous.

I'll let the results speak for themselves.

-I took issue with Jeffery Deaver's portrayal of Location Scouts...twice! Since I took my courageous stand, pointing out the errors of Mr. Deaver's ways, he's only published two or three books and had one movie released based on his writing. Take that DeaverMan!

-Dominoes Pizza is now delivering your pizza the moment you think of it! No need to order online or look up their phone number. Moments after you imagine the aroma of pepperoni and pineapple, your doorbell rings and you've got your pizza. I'm told they give away every tenth pizza for free and the deliverers say, "You've got Nathan to thank for this. We're just not willing to risk offending him ever again."

-StubHub has gone belly-up. They couldn't stand up to my withering revelations about their poor service and just decided it wasn't worth even trying.

-Grocery Baggers throughout the Continental U.S. are required to read my helpful post on the proper way to prepare your purchases for the trip home. (My reach hasn't extended to Alaska, Hawaii or Puerto Rico yet. It's something to do with their perverse sense of rugged individualism. Don't worry, I'll get them on board soon! Don't hold your breath about Canada, though. They don't even speak English there.)

I never would have thought, when I started this blog, that the power would be so AWESOME! And I realize that with great power, comes great responsibility. Fear not; I promise to use the power only for good.

Update - 10:59 a.m.:

I was afraid to tempt fate, so I dared not even hope...but my little missives have even created a Bizzaro-World version of Home Depot! It purely boggles the mind!

-Hopped in the car at 10:03.
-Encountered NO TRAFFIC driving to Home Depot.
-Slid right into a parking spot close to the building and dead-center between the entry and exit doors.
-Found a dolly of the right variety waiting for me as I entered.
-Went straight to the kitchen cabinets aisle where I found not one---but three--of the item I was looking for---ON A SHELF I COULD REACH!
-Had I not found what I was looking for, there was a gentleman in an orange apron standing at parade rest, right at the end of the aisle. He had a canny, intelligent twinkle in his eye. Had I made a mistake and pulled a box of SB-36-WK off the shelf instead of the SB-30-M that I needed, surely, he would have come to the rescue and corrected my error.
-There was NO-ONE in line at the registers.
-When I arrived at my car, another helpful gentleman in an orange apron materialized from nowhere and asked, "Can I help you get that loaded up?" And then he took the dolly back to the cart corral so I didn't have to.
-Back home at 10:37 a.m.

None of this could possibly have anything to do with the fact that I got off my ass and went to Home Depot before 1:00 p.m. when all of the other lazy Sunday shoppers put in an appearance. NO! IT'S A MIRACLE!

Next week, I may take on the Church of the Eternal Caterwauling down the block. Their beliefs don't offend me, but parking on my block on a Sunday Morning is harder than on street cleaning days. I think they could benefit from more walking.

P.S. I'm going to Target later today where I expect to find nothing but clothes in my size -- on sale -- in the style I want -- for the appropriate season. If that lady who tries on pantyhose in the hosiery aisle is there, she'll be mercifully hidden from my view. The scanner will mistake the 30% off tag for an on sale for 30% of the listed price tag. It's gonna be great!


mattw said...

That there's the reason you're the fearless leader of the UCF, you can make reality bend to your blog posts.

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