Wednesday, December 3, 2008

More Crap Falling Out of My Head.

I meant to mention that the previous post, like yesterday's, was inspired by MattW. This isn't a contest, but I challenge you to figure out WTF about Matt's post inspired me to write about unproduced scripts. I dare you. I double-dog dare you.

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I don't know how old you are, but if you're more than about 20 years old, I can almost guarantee you've had more haircuts in your life than I have. To start with, I didn't have one single haircut from sometime my 11th year until sometime my 19th year. That's a lot of haircuts missed. And yes! I was an adorable little girl at my Bar Mitzvah. Facial hair was never such a welcome accessory as it was for me.

Once I started cutting my hair again, I went to a few different places before I found someone I was really comfortable with. OK, not really comfortable, but I liked the way she did my hair. What I didin't like was that she was saved! And she didn't want me burning in hell, so I got preached at during my haircuts. This inspired me to...not go very often.

Eventually, I settled into the moral imperative that I'd get my haircut "once every six months or so...whether I needed it or not". The truth is that I don't really pay that much attention to my hair. I can't remember the last time I used a blow dryer. I don't own any "Product". I get out of the shower, towel my hair dry, brush it and go. And every few months, I notice that my hair is completely out of control. Once I reach this point, it rarely takes more than two or three weeks for me to do something about it.

When I get to the salon or barber or whoever I go to that day, I either say, "Just do what you did 6 months ago", or if it's somewhere I've never been I say, "Imagine what it looked like six months ago and do that."

What you need to realize is that every haircut is an act of Supreme Faith on my part. When I get my haircut, I have to take off my glasses and I can't see shit! Really! If I squint my eyes, I can make out the shape of my head in the mirror and a variety of colors generally indicating where there's skin and hair and eyes, but no details. The person cutting my hair can do pretty much whatever they feel like doing and I'm not going to know about it until it's too late. Note to GF: Don't be surprised if one day I come home bald because if anyone ever screws it up bad enough, that's my fallback option.

Today, however, something was different. Today, I'm officially old! In addition to the usual vague instructions and pointing to indicate how long the sideburns should be, I had to (sheepishly) add two things. 1.) "See where my eyebrows are trying to eat my face? Make that stop", and 2.) "Can you do something about the shrubbery attacking my ears?" This is an utterly unacceptable state of things.

If I get a nose-hair trimmer for Christmas I may just have to jump off a building.

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Edited to add: It's a damn good thing I proofed this. Otherwise, you be reading all about "More Carp Falling Out of My Head."

20 comments:

Jeri said...

Well, there's a photoshopping opportunity! And no time... sigh.

Nathan said...

First one of you who photoshops that dead to me!

Heed my warning!

Nathan said...

...is...

::My fingers suck today::

Random Michelle K said...

Wait, is today your birthday? Or you're just old because of your hair issues?

Random Michelle K said...

I just placed an interrogative there Nathan, and it parsed fine.

vince said...

Others seem to care far more than I do about the length of what is left of my hair, as well as my beard and mustache. This leads to me paying far more than is fair to remove hair that I don't really care whether is removed or not more often than I desire.

Why yes, said others are comprised entirely of members of female persuasion.

Random Michelle K said...

I get my hair cut three or four time a year. When it was long, I'd get it cut probably once a year, if that.

And I'm lucky it's only three or four times a year, because it took me about seven years to find someone who could cut my hair without screwing it up.

And she's not inexpensive.

Though I'm pretty sure that expensive in Morgantown is totally different from expensive in NY.

John the Scientist said...

"Though I'm pretty sure that expensive in Morgantown is totally different from expensive in NY."

You can't see NY expensive from Morgantown expensive with the Hubble telescope. My SIL drops $300 on a haircut without blinking. My wife balks at $20.

mattw said...

I typically get my hair cut about two weeks after I'm sick of my wife telling me I need a hair cut, and then I just go to wherever we have a coupon for.

Random Michelle K said...

John, I used to complain about $20 until I spent longer afterward complaining about my haircut.

Next time your wife complains, you can show her a picture of my hair and explain it's all my fault that haircuts get so expensive. :)

Janiece Murphy said...

Michelle, you need a skilled stylist, or your hair will take over the earth.

Which would be better than methicillin-resistant staphlyococcus aureus taking over the earth, but might be inconvenient for you.

The rest of us can get away with the Super-Cuts special and vague instructions.

Random Michelle K said...

Janice, when I cut my hair and donated it to locks of love, I got the following message from my friend Andy:

"Actually I'm screaming at the thought of some poor kid with your hair."

Random Michelle K said...

Actually, I realize that a discussion of my hair belongs under the subject of the post that follows this one.

Tania said...

HAH! I haven't paid full price for a skilled haircut and/or color in years!

My friends keep entering the apprenticeship program at the NICE salon where I've been a customer for years. So, I let my friends practice on my head while supervised by 1-3 master hairdressers. We all know each other so we spend our time catching up.

Nathan, my one SIL used to have a nose hair that would distract me to no end. Nose hair trimmers can be a good thing.

Tania said...

and I think that MWT and I would LOVE to see carp falling out of your head.

Though anchovies are probably a more cranially-friendly sized fish. ;)

Steve Buchheit said...

When I decided a few years ago to forgo the ponytail (had for nearly a decade), I went in the completely opposite direction and use one of those hair buzzers. Put on the .5in comb and cut it all off. I got three benefits from this; 1) I can cut my hair whenever it gets comb-able without worrying about scheduling a cut, 2) I am wash and go, and 3) I save about $75-100 a year.

Tania said...

Steve, do you use the same trimmer guide on your entire head? John will do that - use the trimmer & guide on the head fur and facial fur. I find it amusing, unless he doesn't clean up the hair scraps. Then I am NOT amused.

Nathan said...

Tania,

I've got nothing against nose hair trimmers. I just don't want to need one.

Tania said...

I understand that. I don't want to need a bra, but no one needs to see a 38 long.

Dude, we're getting old and hair is coming in places we NEVER WANTED IT. It's like puberty all over again. I swim regularly and I'm ready to pretend like I'm from Europe so I don't have to deal with swimwear grooming issues.

MWT said...

The life story of your hair reads exactly like mine, and since I only get my hair cut every 2-3 years, I will probably have you beat by the time I get to your age. ;)

My mother cut my hair when I was a kid. I always hated it - she would promise to do it the way I wanted, and then she wouldn't. After several times of this, when I picked up on that pattern, I refused to have haircuts at all. So, all through my teens and up until I was 24, it was down to almost my knees (after a while it just stopped getting longer on its own).

Nowadays I just wait around until it's long enough to donate to Locks of Love, which generally takes 2-3 years.