Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Zombie Fairy Tales.

Influenced by Christopher Moore, MattW is busy writing Holiday (Zombie) Haiku. This inspired me to present to you a few Zombie Fairy Tales. Enjoy.

Goldilocks and the Three Zombies

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She went for a walk in the forest. Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.

At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of brainz. Goldilocks was hungry. She tasted the brainz from the first bowl.

"This brainz is too smart!" she exclaimed.

So, she tasted the brainz from the second bowl.

"This brainz is too stupid," she said

So, she tasted the last bowl of brainz.

"Ahhh, this brainz is just right," she said happily and she ate it all up.

After she'd eaten the three zombies' breakfasts she decided she was feeling a little tired. So, she walked into the living room where she saw three chairs. Goldilocks sat in the first chair to rest her feet.

"This chair is too solid!" she exclaimed.

So she sat in the second chair.

"This chair has too many parts rotting off!" she whined.

So she tried the last and smallest chair.

"Ahhh, this chair is just right," she sighed. But just as she settled down into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces!

Goldilocks was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs to the bedroom. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too smelly. Then she lay in the second bed, but it was too putrid as well. Then she lay down in the third bed and it was just right. Goldilocks fell asleep.

As she was sleeping, the three zombies came home.

"Someone's been eating my brainz," growled the Papa zombie.

"Someone's been eating my brainz," said the Mama zombie.

"Someone's been eating my brainz and they ate it all up!" cried the Baby zombie.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair," growled the Papa zombie.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair," said the Mama zombie.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair and they've broken it all to pieces," cried the Baby zombie.

They decided to look around some more and when they got upstairs to the bedroom, Papa zombie growled, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed,"

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed, too" said the Mama zombie.

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed and she's still there!" exclaimed Baby zombie.

Just then, Goldilocks woke up and saw the three zombies. She screamed, "Help!”, but she just wasn’t quick enough. The three zombies easily cornered Goldilocks with their shambling gait and promptly devoured her brainz. When they were finished, Papa zombie belched his satisfaction. Mama zombie giggled appreciatively and told Baby zombie to go floss his teeth. “You’ve got a mouthful of yellow hair”, she said.

The Three Little Zombies

Once upon a time there were three little zombies and the time came for them to leave home and seek their fortunes.

Before they left, their mother told them " Whatever you do , do it the best that you can because that's the way to get along in the world.”

The first little zombie built his house out of straw because it was the easiest thing to do.

The second little zombie built his house out of sticks. This was a little bit stronger than a straw house.

The third little zombie built his house out of bricks.

One night the big bad wolf, who was woefully ignorant of zombie habits, came along and saw the first little zombie in his house of straw. Thinking the little zombie would make a fine meal, He said "Let me in, Let me in, little zombie or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!"

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin", said the little zombie.

And, of course, the little zombie ate the big bad wolf’s brainz while he was wasting time drawing in a deep breath.

Hansel and Gretel Zombie

Once upon a time a very poor woodcutter zombie lived in a tiny cottage in the forest with his two child zombies, Hansel and Gretel. His second wife often ill-treated the child zombies and was forever nagging the woodcutter zombie.

"There is not enough brainz in the house for us all. There are too many mouths to feed! We must get rid of the two brats," she declared. And she kept on trying to persuade her husband to abandon his child zombies in the forest.

"Take them miles from home, so far that they can never find their way back! Maybe someone will find them and give them a home." The downcast woodcutter zombie didn't know what to do. Hansel who, one evening, had overheard his parents' conversation, comforted Gretel.

Late that night, while their parents were sleeping, Hansel and Gretel shuffled into their parents’ bedroom and ate their brainz. And they somnambulated happily ever after.


Some dude stuck in the Midwest said...

Thouroughly sick and demented. Thank you! :)

BTW: I did not realize that zombies eat zombie's brainz. Isn't that zombie cannibalizm?

Tania said...

Hee. Snort.

kimby said...

Hey, I am doing a term paper on cannibalism in fairy tales.....this would fit right in...LOL

Sure with you could have taught this course, I am sure it would have had a really different slant!

mattw said...

One day a brave and handsome knight was traveling the land on his white steed when he came across a tall tower in the middle of a large expanse of gently rolling hills. Intrigued, he decided to investigate.

When he came closer to the tower he could hear the mournful cry of a woman coming from the room at the very top of the tower. He tried the door, but it was sturdy and securely locked.

He went back a few paces and called out to whoever was in the room high above. "Hello, is anyone up there?"

A minute later a woman appeared in the window. Even from so very far away, the knight could tell that she had been locked away in the tower for a long time, she looked so shabby and dirty.

"M'lady, I am here to help you," he cried.

She only made that mournful noise once again. She reached out of the window and shuffled about.

The knight tried the door again, but it was no good. He went back to the window and noticed that the woman had impossibly long hair that had come out the window and dangled nearly to the ground.

"M'lady, how clever to let down your hair. I will be up to resuce you in no time," he said as he stripped from his armor.

It was easy enough for the kinght to scale the tower using the dirty golden hair. But when he got to the top, he saw that the woman was not dirty, but had the appearance of a corpse. Her rotting and gnarled, yet strong, fingers grabbed at his arms as he reached the window and held fast.

"Thank you for the assistance, M'lady," the knight said as he pulled himself into the room, which smelled horribly. There were piles of something, perhaps rotting meat, around the edges of the room. His eyes were not yet accustomed to the dimness to tell.

She grabbed his shoulders and pulled him closer. He leaned in for the kiss that was traditional payment for such kinghtly rescues in those days. That's when she chewed his face off.

Nathan said...

Chewing the face off is not the most direct route to the brainz, but a time-honored tradition, nonetheless.