Thursday, January 29, 2009

As Alaska Goes, So Goes The Nation!

There used to be a saying in politics, As Maine goes, so goes the nation. It was a reference to Maine's ability to choose a Governor and then for the nation to elect a president of the same party. I'd link the stats, but, 1.) they're a little iffy and 2.) they're boring. But it all makes me think that I'm ready to get behind a movement to follow Alaska's example in all things.

Allow me to provide some introductory information.

1.) Jim posted something the other day about one of my state's Representatives introducing a mostly harmless (if useless) bill in Congress. Frankly, I didn't get too excited over the whole thing for a number of reasons. I did, however, experience a slight pang of lameness over what my state's representatives are getting all het up about.

2.) Alaska's scandal-laden Governor was able, (with seemingly little or no effort), to provide hours and hours of entertainment to the entire nation, (dare I say World?), by merely opening her mouth on a (briefly) regular basis.

3.) Jim's post made me want to find something from his neck of the woods to talk about, be it wonderful or woeful. (Yes, Jim. I'm aware that Fairbanks is as much your neck of the woods as Richmond, VA is mine, but work with me here. It's all Alaska, dammit!)

3.) I have no idea how I missed this story a couple of days ago, but it just has AWESOME written in flashing neon script all over it:

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, The Alaska Publine has applied for a state liquor license so that in addition to shuttling the drinkers of Fairbanks Alaska from pub to pub, he'll be able to reinforce the buzz as they navigate the cold, dark, snowy streets of that fair metropolis. If you read the comments in the article linked above, you'll find that some people think it's, maybe, not such a great idea. I beg to differ.

I love the idea of mixing drunken soldiers and college students together on a bus and then making sure they get drunker before the next stop. This has WIN written all over it. My only issues are that Alaska Publine hasn't thought nearly far enough out of the box. I have some suggestions.

1. I don't know the condition of the roads in Fairbanks or what sort of turns are involved on the route the bus takes, but I think there should be a second bus including "falling-on-your-lap-dances". I presume the bus is sufficiently heated to support the removal of enough sealskins to make this properly titillating. I'd also suggest a pre-recorded message that says, "Close the damned door. Where'd you grow a barn?"

2. There should be a casino-bus. There are already gimbals produced so that roulette can be played fairly on the high seas. Surely they can balance the wheel on a bus. Dude! Play your cards right and the patrons won't bother to ever get off at the stops.

3. Not to be a buzzkill, but I highly suggest some sort of towed/separate restroom facility and vomitorium. The ancient Romans knew of what they spoke. Just sayin'.

4. Please don't limit yourself to sloppy American drunks. The presence of a Foreign Exchange Window will open things up nicely. Discrimination against Canucks and Ruskies is just plain short sighted. It also minimizes the potential for belligerence and therefore limits the amount of bouncers you'll be employing. Don't forget, as long as you can say you're providing jobs, you can just sit back and wait for the Federal funding to pour in. Have you learned nothing?

Anyway, this is an idea I totally support. Alaska should take pride in its visionary thinking. I'm all behind the idea of letting them try out new and unique opportunities and then letting us import the ones that work well. My only request is a temporary closure of the AlCan Highway during the test run.


Janiece said...

I would totally invest in such a venture, provided they incorporated Nathan's most excellent suggestions.


Random Michelle K said...

The wheels on the bus go round and round!
Round and round!
Round and round!

The wheels on the bus go round and round!
All! Through! The town!

Anonymous said...

Someone from the Tri-State area really shouldn't be calling Alaska's governor "Scandal Laden".


Nathan said...

I wasn't trying to assert that here in the Tri-state area, we don't have our own scandal-laden Governors. We just happen to have boring scandal-laden Governors. They get plastered all over the news for a week or so and then get displaced with something way more fun.

Sarah Palin (and, dare I say Blogo-who-o-vich) are milking their moments in the sun for all they're worth. These are the kinds of unrepentently lovable idiots I can get seriously behind. Their absolute obliviousness to all evidence contradicting their fitness to serve is a highly admirable trait. I submit to you that James McGreevy and Eliot Spitzer will long be minor historical footnotes when we're still poring over Huey Long's storied past.

Anonymous said...

John Rowland accepting gifts from state contractors, and resigning.

Elliot Spitzer: "hookergate"

James McGreevy: Coming out of the closet in front of the nation and his wife, and admitting to an affair with male member of his team

Yeah, dull stuff.

(How is it that Blago is not a tri-stater? Oh, yeah, Illinois has it's own set of issues)

Tania said...

Dude, did you NOT read the comments from my local nutjobs about this, suggesting hookers and strippers.

Now, the vomitorium, that is a brilliant suggestion.

Seriously, I like the Pub Line, the guy performs a responsible affordable service since we have frontier sprawl and pub crawling isn't much of an option.

I know how stupid this will sound, but... I don't have a problem with the passengers drinking. I'm the DD all the time, and I have no interest/desire/want in having a beer/cocktail/booze of my choice while driving my drunks. If they hire the right bus driver it shouldn't be a problem.

We have two military installations and one university. We need a good/affordable way to transport people around for socializing without the idiots driving while impaired.


State law allows possession of 4oz of pot for personal use. We need AIR HANDLING on the bus so people can drink and SMOKE whatever they want while partying around town.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, now I read it all.

Call me "Congress". Sometimes I just like the name and first sentence, and go from there without reading the FULL content.

I'll try to do better next time.