Monday, March 22, 2010

I May Be Branching Out.

As far as movie-making goes, it's kinda dead in town right now.  My phone has not been ringing off the hook. (How old do you have to be to know what this "hook" is that the phone might be ringing off of?)

Anyway, I've always got my eyes peeled for other sources of income. I'm inspired by two stories I read yesterday.  First, we have this woman who can heal you by...oh, I haven't got a clue how she says she can heal you.  It's apparently got something to do with solving past psychological problems with who you used to be?  She says she is aware of 15-20 of her past lives, one of which was as a High Priestess in Egypt during the time of the Pyramids.

Hey, I could get all over that shit.  I'm aware of no less than 786 of my own past lives.  Infant mortality being what is was back there in history (and pre-history), 512 of my past lives didn't make it to the age of 7 months.  Another 57 died of diseases before reaching 5 years old.  6 were raised by wild animals and never achieved language skills and an unlucky 44 were used as virgin sacrifice by the age of ten.  None of those lives have much to offer my present-day me in the way of life coaching.

102 of my past lives were farmers; 17 were tradesmen of various types; 18 were horrible failures who begged on the streets; 7 were criminals executed for their crimes (twice for spitting in the street and accidentally hitting a nobleman's shoe).  Some of these might have been useful to present-day me, but would you believe not a single one of them spoke English?  I haven't got a clue what any of them are saying to me when I run across them.

This leaves 23 more past-life Nathans.  Six of these were lost at sea (a profession I haven't repeated since 1718...even I catch on sooner or later); Three dropped out of society and became hermits; 7 were military figures (not one achieving rank above "Cannon-Fodder, 1st Class").  One past-Nathan was on the wrong side in the American Revolution and disappeared under questionable circumstances.  Eight lacked basic intelligence and spent their lives in and out of Institutions. (Those eight are able to impart some really interesting observations on life, but they have to be taken with a grain of salt.) Of the remaining five, one was jailed in a mistaken identity case and never heard from again, two were trampled by horses and one was actually the first man to achieve the feat of heavier-than-air flight way back in 1802.  (Unfortunately, he was extremely secretive and carried out all attempts in private.  During his fourth flight, an errant gust of wind sent him plummeting into the ocean.  His achievements and secrets all died with him.)

In fact, only ONE of my past lives lived longer than 36 years.  One guy, born in the early 17th century went on to live 104 years.  He, however, was a miserable son of a bitch with the bathing habits of a ferret and the temperament of a constipated rhinoceros.

So, basically, if anyone came to me, I'd say, "You're 40 years old?  Holy shit, 785 of me envy you!"  This strikes me as affirmation worth $100's per hour.

Another idea was sparked by this article, about a guy who makes movies for plants. And I love the next project he's got planned.

...he's turning to another overlooked population - bacteria.

He hopes to create educational textbooks teaching general relativity and quantum mechanics to the micro organisms in "easy-to-digest doses of amino acid and glucose."

"I figure these books should be beneficial to both microbes and humans: by providing bacteria with a good education, we'll be able to improve their quality of life, and to discourage them from becoming pathogens."

Before he moves on from CineFlora (as I'm intending to call it), I intend to become the world's first film critic for plants.  All reviews will only be available in electronic form.  I'm pretty sure that making plants read stuff on paper crosses some line into cannibalism.


Random Michelle K said...

Wow! What variety! I spent most of my past lives as an uneducated peasant--usually Chinese.

The plant thing however really disturbs me. He wants to give plants amino acids and glucose? Um... what part of photosynthesis does he not get?

predupe = what one does before pulling off a major scam

Jim Wright said...

All of my past lives were actually projected incantations of myself in the future. It's complicated is all they'll say when questioned. Bastards.

Jim Wright said...
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