Tuesday, March 30, 2010

This Just In...Watching The News Can Give You Ear Cancer!

You know how there are some bands that show up and take a certain arc on you consciousness?  They show up and you know immediately that they're never going to be anyone you actually like.  But they really don't offend you all that much.  You might even be able to make it through a song on the radio without having to change the station.

Then another one of their songs starts getting some airplay.  It's more or less indistinguishable from the first one you heard.  Everything about it sounds the same to you.  You've never even bothered to really listen to the lyrics, so all you hear is some whiny redundant crap and you reach for the dial the moment you hear its first strains.

And the next thing you know, this band is inexplicably popular.  There are apparently lots of people who like this cacophonous drek and they actually hear deep meaning in the lyrics; lyrics that you can't even hear.  And when they come on the radio and you change the station, they're on every other fucking station and the only option left to you is to KILL YOUR RADIO WITH A BRICK!

Your mileage may vary, but in my case, let's just call that band Creed.  Here, listen to about 30 seconds of this and tell me you don't feel the urge to throw your laptop across the room.

And I actually previewed a bunch of different Creed songs on YouTube, trying to settle on the epitome of Creed Crapulence and just reiterated to myself that Creed, has, in fact, only ever written and performed ONE SONG, and somehow convinced everybody that it's a bunch of different songs, but it's only ONE SONG and that song sucks.  And it's on every channel and KILL  IT, KILL IT, KILL IT WITH A BRICK!

(Pardon me while I stop hyperventilating and catch my breath.)

Now, lest you think I'm somehow all worked up over Creed this morning, let me reassure you; they don't normally register enough on my consciousness to warrant a mention.  But they came to mind while I was searching for a metaphor.

You see...Creed is Sarah Palin.  But whereas Creed is essentially benign, Sarah has turned malignant and she's metastasized. 

When Sarah first showed up, I knew she was never going to be somebody I actually liked.  But she was unintentionally amusing.  And now, she's showing up all over the place and there are a whole lot of people who adore her and find deep meaning in her litany of home-spun Common-Sensey, hopey-changey bashing.  And all I can hear is the same whiny, redundant crap and I can't even hear the lyrics 'cause I know it's just more nonsense, BUT THERE ARE A BUNCH OF RETARDS CHEERING FOR EVERY GODDAMN THING SHE SAYS!  (That's right...I called them retards and I'm not being sarcastic or whateverthehell Sarah said Rush was doing when she gave him a pass on using the word "retards".  I'm being literal -- they're brain damaged yahoos who are mentally, emotionally and socially RETARDED.)

(Pardon me while I stop hyperventilating and catch my breath.)

Here's the thing.  I was watching the news the other night and they ran the story about her speaking at McCain's rally and I tried to hear whether or not she actually had anything to say.  And she didn't.  All she's managed to do is to perfect her demagoguery and it wouldn't matter if she stopped speaking English and started delivering her tirades in Farsi or Sumerian or whatever other language I don't understand a word of.  Just the sound of her voice and her cadence and that vocal smirk that shows up in every other sentence is enough to make me want to shoot my TV. (Which is really a good argument for gun control since I'm convinced that if I did own a gun I might actually do it and that would be just senseless, because it's not like it's my TV's fault or anything.)

I'm not sure I have any unifying point here other than to say that I find it really scary that so many people take this woman seriously.  And I suppose I should just close by saying that if I've offended anyone, I humbly apologize.

Creed was never anywhere near as appalling an entity as Sarah Palin.


Janiece said...

I'll take Creed over Sarah Palin, thankyouverymuch. At least they morphed into Alter Bridge, which denoted improvement. The only thing that might morph Sarah Palin into an improvement is if she became Grizzly Food on live T.V.

"Sara Palin's Alaska: Survivor Edition!"

Eric said...

Here, listen to about 30 seconds of this and tell me you don't feel the urge to throw your laptop across the room.

No. I will not. That might work if you "Creedrolled" me. "Hey, click on this link and it will take you to a video of a cute kitten trapped in a piece of wrapping paper!" Okay--oh no! It's Creed! Arrrrgh! Oh no! Now I need a new laptop!

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the only awesome thing about Creed was the fact they actually got sued by their own fans for sucking. (One of those things where if I'd known you could sue a band for that I would have taken that Hootie and his Blowfish for... wait, I'd have to say I was a fan to sue? Fuck that.)

On point, I guess: I agree with you about Frau Palin. She's an irritating, annoying, obnoxious person, and I've never understood the crowd that not only loves her, but treats her as a sex symbol. Smirks are only sexy on Sarah Silverman, and that's partly because I'm pretty sure Silverman knows what she's smirking about. And that bimboesque sing-songey cadence Palin affects--arrgh. Y'know, I'd possibly rather listen to Creed, if only because Creed is funnier.

WendyB_09 said...

Well, hell, if she starts speaking Farsi it will scare the shit out of people.

They'll think she's in cahoots with the Iraqi's!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!! Maybe they'd even give her a nice vacation in Gitmo before they close it...

Tom said...

If she started speaking Farsi, none of her supporters would know that's what she was doing. They'd probably just think she'd been imbued with the power of the Holy Spirit, and was speaking in tongues, or something. It would just make them love her more.

But your music metaphor, I'm not really behind that. And I wouldn't know Creed from any of many other band popular in the last decade, so I have no prejudices either for or against them. I've heard that sone a time or two before, and I don't see much particularly obnoxious about it. It kind of sounds like the Seattle grunge stuff, but definitely not "rip-the-speakers-out" bad.

Sarah, on the other hand, I have to admit that I haven't heard her much. I've heard she had a Mich/Wisc accent, but not much else about her voice. I've just read what she says in transcript. That's enough for me. If she's as bad as you say, then I'm very thankful that I haven't had to hear her. The combination of how she says what she says may just be too much for me. I appreciate the warning, Nathan.