Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Odds of Your Hair Developing a SuperPower are Vanishingly Remote. But I'll Bet Even Money on It Embarrassing the Crap Out of You a Few Years Down the Road.

I'm not going to try to pass myself off as any type of fashion guru.  I have no fashion sense whatsoever.  I do, however, know dorky when I see it.  By way of a disclaimer, I suppose I should admit that my idea of a hairstyle when I was young was that I didn't sit in a chair near anyone with scissors from 1971 until, oh...1983.  When I eventually had it cut, I just said, "Shorter".  Nowadays, I get my haircut religiously...once every 4 or 5 months, whether I need it or not.

That said, I've been seeing a surfeit of dorky hair choices these days. I'm not talking about the hairstyles that can be blamed on one particular celebrity or another.  I'm not talking Dorothy Hamill or Farah Fawcett, or Jennifer Aniston do's.  Those were excusable no matter how bad they may have looked on you.  Hell, even the Mullet was (briefly) cool before it became the domain of Cletuses everywhere.

And on occasion, most people found the will to resist the unpardonably absurd.  Hell, some people thought this was THE SHIT!

Anyway, there are a couple of styles showing up wherever I look and, you should understand that I'm being really kind when I tell you, "Just stop it."  Really,  do something else with your head and you'll thank me when you're looking a pictures in 15 or 20 years (unless, God forbid, you're one of those people who plans to keep cutting your hair that way for the rest of your life).

Stupid Haircut #1:  The FauxHawk.

Dude!  You look like a toilet brush...the kind that's worn out and needs to be replaced.  You look like you slept funny and didn't take a shower this morning.  You look like someone's squeezing your head.  Really!  You have no reason to be smiling.

Stupid Haircut #2: I have no idea what this is called.

In fact, I'm not even sure how you make your hair look like that.  Maybe you get out of the shower and wrap a towel around your head really tightly and leave it on until it dries?  Or there might be a turbine or cyclone involved.  And LOTS of product.  Here's the thing about this haircut.  It seems to say, "Look at me.  I'm all windblown and natural and you should adore me."  But whenever I see someone with this haircut, I notice one of two other things.  Either you never move your head for fear of displacing your do, or no matter how violently you move your head, your hair doesn't move a millimeter.  Neither is attractive.  You look like a dork.

Feel free to forward your other fashion questions. I love being helpful this way.

Edited to add... I just ran across a link to Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber and it totally fits the theme of this post. (Thanks to Deus Ex Malcontent). Also, I've decided to call that haircut a swirly.


Random Michelle K said...

You're only saying that because you've never seen MY hair in person.

My hair has always had superpowers. In fact, I strongly believe that my hair has a mind of its own.

mattw said...

The guy in photo #4 looks like his hair could slide down over his face to become some kind of battle shield.

Nathan said...

Matt, I didn't say it couldn't inspire thoughts of a super power. I find myself inspired to emulate Edward Scissorhands.

mattw said...

That's some wacky hair right there. Looks like Edward maybe shoved one of those scissors in an outlet at some point.

eggerspe = a recipe for cooking Dave Eggers