Monday, August 18, 2008

Game On!

Inspired by a lot of stuff, Jeri has a modest proposal. You're invited to write headlines about me here in the comments section. You're invited to chase down other participants and write headlines about them on their blogs. (The likely culprits candidates will be the folks you see on my sidebar, but newbies are totally welcome to play and to invite us to your blog to write stuff about you. Don't know me? Make up some shit!)

Anyway, (as is my wont), I'm adjusting the rules a little. I can't think of any Headlines that cover what I want, so I'll be writing Headlines with a very brief story attached.

Oh, BTW, Jeri has given me partial credit for this whole idea. I thank her. I'd also like everyone to know that I am:

-the first person to post pictures of cats with pithy, amusing captions in broken English.
-the person who first used all CAPS to imply yelling and anger.
-the inventor of velcro.

You doubt me? Hey, it's on the must be true!

Have at me.


Tom said...

Teak Hat Originator Claims CAP Origination Too!

My, my,my! That's original. So, are they teak CAPs?

Janiece said...

For Nathan:

Brooklyn Location Scout Receives Pulitzer, Retreats From Reality

Brooklyn location scout and author Nathan _______ was awarded the Pulitzer Prize on Monday for his book, There's No Crying in the War Room.

During the award ceremony, Nathan announced he would begin his conversion to Scientology early next week, and was also planning on cultivating a reclusive persona. "Why Scientology? Well, all the cool kids are doing it. So why not? Why be a recluse? I've always admired J.D. Salinger, so I've decided to emulate him. After all, I've only got one good book in me, and I've already written it. Quit while you're ahead - that's my motto."

Nathan then disappeared in a puff of smoke, taking his Pulitzer with him. Criss Angel has been called in to investigate.

John the Scientist said...

NY Location Scout Arrested for Assault of Community

In a bizarre attempt to exact revenge from an entire section of Manhattan, Queens-based location scout Nathan Gendzier was arrested yesterday for assault with a deadly weapon in Manhattan’s Chinatown.

Screaming “we don’t even HAVE Sherpas in Manhattan you short-sighted motherfuckers!”, Gendzier was apprehended while wearing a hazmat suit taken from the prop department of his current project “Revenge of the Mathematically Challenged Zombies”. He was carrying a large brazier of a red-colored broth stuffed with hunks of foul-smelling tofu. Apparently the motive for the assault was a ban on movie-sponsored parking bans in the over-used area around Canal Street, and a subsequent tiff over Chinese construction supervisors exacting revenge on movie location managers in NYC.

Gendzier’s assault consisted of flinging chunks of the tofu at offending business owners who had sponsored the ban. Some observers testified as the biohazardous nature of the weapon. One of the arresting officers was quoted as saying ‘That shit was foul. He claims he got it at a restaurant in Flushing. I know they eat some weird shit up there in Flushing, but the Health inspector would ship the staff of any restaurant serving that off to Guantanimo.” A resident of Chinatown and owner of a store neighboring one of the victims said “That’s a rotten lie, Chinese people no more eat that shit than we eat cats. Well, unless it’s those damn Southerners. They’ll eat anything with four legs but the table.”

NY DOT foreman Mr. Fuk Yao “Wong Way” Wong denied Gendzier’s lawyer’s accusations that road crews had been dogging Gendzier’s commute route for days.

Gendzier had no comment about the assault itself, but when questioned about whether he had actually consumed any of his weapon of choice, his only comment was, “OMG, THIS STUFF IS SO FUCKING HORRIBLE I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.”

Nathan said...

Portions of the preceding story are inaccurate. One of the store owners made "seal-like" barking noises and caught the tofu in his in his mouth.

He seemed to enjoy it.

John the Scientist said...

What "location scout" and "Queens-based" were not inaccurate enough for you? :)

Nathan said...

I assumed you were protecting my I have any.

Anonymous said...

A covert agent for Control, Nathan's cover as an independent location manager for the entertainment industry allows him great freedom to carry out his national-security missions. He keeps two animatronic gremlins at home as memory storage devices, lives with the totally hot and brilliant mastermind "Anonymous GF", and recently survived an underhanded tsou dofu assassination attempt by a double agent.

Eric said...

(Two for the price of one: cross-posted at John's place:)


Feds Seek Chemist For Questioning In 'Poisoned Mail' Case

Washington, DC Spokespersons for the FBI and U.S. Postal Service announced a major breakthrough in their investigations of allegedly toxic substances sent through the U.S. mails.

Details concerning the two victims have not been released at this time, but authorities have confirmed that the victims received a package of lark's vomit and a package of some inedible substance disguised as cookies.

"It turns out both the victims knew the people we believe sent them the dangerous and toxic packages," said Special Agent Brian DeFezio at a press conference Friday. "They're members of an organization of a dozen or more people who are obsessed with some pretty far-out literature and go by an obscure acronym that describes them as 'Founders,' probably a reference to their intent to overthrow the government."

He added, "While our main suspect at this time is a chemist with the know-how and opportunity to send these through the U.S. mails, we suspect there was an accomplice who has allegedly been observed photographing buildings in the New York City area. We do not believe any further attacks are iminent, however."

The spokespeople would not speculate as to the motive or next target of attack.

"Look, people," said U.S. Postal Inspector Suzanne Macintire, "at this point we are not ready to go to the Grand Jury. These two suspects are merely 'persons of interest' wanted for further questioning." She then advised the second suspect was possibly disguising himself as some kind of "teak bench" while engaging in suspicious activity, but refused to elaborate.

Anyone with additional information is advised to contact the appropriate authorities.

Nathan said...


Love it Eric.

(I'll refer investigators to you.)