Thursday, February 25, 2010

I Thought I'd Be Wealthy(er) By Now!

You may recall that on Saturday, I politely requested, lied about maladies, pleaded tragedy, shamelessly attempted to goad you into sending me money in return for which I would refrain from doing a whole lot of stuff you (shouldn't) want me to do.

I even put up a picture of a sad looking puppy FerChrisSakes!

 Your response, to date, has been (ahem), underwhelming.  What more do you people want?

(This is a baby who is very upset about being born.  She wants to be back where it was safe and warm.  In a few years, she may want you to give her money. You will send her polite notes informing her that you no longer have money to give her because you sent it to Nathan. This will be a valuable life lesson for her.  A life lesson for which I will be extremely proud of the small part I will have played.)

If you look over to the right, you'll see that FundRaisingThermometerThingy Widget that shows just how underwhelming your response has been so far.  At the top, we have a goal of $1,000,000.00.  At the bottom, we have $5.99 raised so far.  Above the FundRaisingThermometerThingy Widget, there's a helpful PayPal link.  I know it works.  Two of you have sent me cash!

I'm slightly torn over how to remedy this situation.  My immediate reaction was that I'd threaten to do one of the worst possible things on the list of stuff you shouldn't want me to do...possibly announce my candidacy for some office?  It'd be just like that Simpsons Episode where Mr. Burns blocks out the sun and makes everyone pay for Nookyuler Power...or maybe one of those Batman Episodes where The Penguin shoots green gas out of his umbrella and then Batman and Robin cough and pass out and wake up tied up so tight that a newborn baby (not even the one above) could escape those treacherous bonds (probably), and then Catwoman shows up and she's EVIL but she's all kissin' on Batman and...but I degress.  Anyway, I decided that threats were beneath me (for the moment) and anyway there aren't really any elections coming up immediately and I'm not even sure where you have to go to register for that kind of thing and wherever it is you have to go, it probably means having to go out in the rain and snow, so I decided, Nah, I'll hold off on threats for the moment.

So, I'm thinking that maybe y'all just don't have a lot of disposable income to dispose of on me at the moment -- hey, I'm nothing if not an understanding guy -- and that maybe I'd give y'all a chance to make more of an "in kind" donation to the cause -- a bit of sweat equity, if you will. (And you will, won't you?)

So here's what I've got in mind.  I think you, my loyal tens of readers, should fan out into the world and get other people to dispose of their income on me.  There are a number of ways you can do this and I'll suggest just a few.

1. You could make repeated calls to your local radio and TV stations and get them to spread the word to their listeners and viewers to dispose of their money on me.  Make sure you ENUNCIATE when passing on the URL - Aych-Tee-Tee-Pee-Colon-Slash-Slash-DoubleYew-DoubleYew-DoubleYew-Dot-Pee-Oh-El-Wye-Bee-El-Oh-Gee-Gee-Eye-Em-Oh-Yew-Ess-Dot-com. (or you can just pronounce it but make sure you say, "there's two G's".)

2. You could enlist a local Girl Scout Troupe to spread the word while selling cookies door to door.  Maybe give them a little slip of paper with my URL on it to hand out with every box.

3. Go to your town square and tie this color ribbon around all of the trees.  When the cops come to ask you WTF you think you're doing, give them a Girl Scout who is selling cookies and has a box of them handy with that little informative slip of paper.  If no police arrive while you're tying the ribbons and you need to go somewhere else, just use the ribbon to tie the Girl Scout to one of the trees and let her explain it when the cops get around to showing up.

4. Create an interpretive dance to promote the cause, videotape it and post it all over the internet.  Note: The quality of the dance is unimportant, but -- and I cannot stress this enough -- 1.) Make sure my URL - - is clearly visible at all times on screen and 2.) No offense, but maybe instead of performing the dance yourself, you should get that Obama Girl to star in the video.  She got lots of attention.

5.  Consider visiting the computer lab at a school or college near you and then, helpfully type in my URL - - on each computer while extolling the benefits of disposing of income on me. This can be an especially effective strategy since school kids are mostly under the impression that all money "comes from Daddy" and also, that most school kids could lose a debate with a soap dish.  And school kids love causes as long as you call it "Eco-Friendly" or other crap like that. (Since I will not be placing any money in landfills, this will be technically true. If I use any of the money for, oh...say, a plane trip somewhere, I think the case could be made that the plane would be going there anyway, so instead of increasing my carbon footprint, I'll actually be lessening the carbon footprint of each and every other person who planned to be on that flight.  I smell WIN for everyone.)

These are just a few ideas I've got for ways you can make my funds drive the rousing success I know you all want it to be.  Feel free to think up some other stuff on your own.  I can't be expected to do all the heavy lifting here, can I?

And don't forget...I can always go back to threatening world domination.


Janiece said...

Hey, I've done my part. And I don't think anyone wants to see me dress up and dance like the Obama Girl until I'm at the END of my Weight Watchers journey. Just sayin'.

Nathan said...

Janiece is, in fact responsible for 16.5% of the funds raised so far. And she also suggested the FundRaisingThermometerThingy Widget.

Her work is done here.

Todd Wheeler said...

Is it me, or are the Girl Scout cookies smaller this year? When such an iconic American institution is reduced to small-sizing their product while charging the same or more, then things are really, really bad.

And what is it about this curling sport that has me so fascinated. What will happen when all the granite runs out in Scotland?

Hmmm, what's that? Nathan who?

Nathan said...

As long as they don't include a flier with information regarding the enrichment, I'll not concern myself with the size of their cookies. OTOH, I may not be aware of this situation merely because Firefox blocks most cookies.

Regarding this "curling" you speak of, when all of the granite has been quarried and sent off to Canadialand, Scotland will have it's maps redrawn and, they will have to change their motto. Due to a basic lack of imagination, they will become "Land of a Thousand Bottomless and Highly Dangerous Swimming Holes".

I hope this has been helpful Mr. Wheeler. I've charged the answers to your credit card that we have on file. Thank you for choosing Nathan for your business.

WendyB_09 said...

Sorry Nathan, all my spare change this month has gone to test the theory that Girl Scout Cookies are not only smaller but more expensive.

Random Michelle K said...


Who wants money? I'd rather get books.

subtrat = I much prefer the word I misread as subtwat, which I believe is self-explanatory.

Nathan said...

I am pleased to announce that my pleading has brought our (my) total up to $6.41

Hot damn, I'm on my way!

MWT said...

This looks remarkably like the fun and excitement I get from watching pennies trickle in on my articles. But hey, I'm up to $15 this month on eHow. :)

Nathan said...


If all goes according to my evil plan, I should end up doing a whole lot less work for a whole lot more reward. (That's the plan anyway)