Frankly, I'm having trouble thinking of any reason at all that you might want to send me money. But the thing is -- I'd really love it if people would send me money. Sad Unfunded Nathan is Sad & Unfunded.
Now, I don't know about you, but I don't see the fact that my life is going along just swimmingly as any reason I shouldn't be the recipient of free money. I've come to the realization, however, that you, my potential benefactors should really get something out of the deal.
I considered offering to do something in exchange for your largesse. Then I started realizing I might not want to do anything you people might want done in exchange for enriching me. You might ask me to shave my head. I don't want a tatoo. There is no amount of money that could get me to jump out of a perfectly good airplane (with or without a parachute). I've already eaten stinky tofu (I even paid for it myself), so you may doubt that there's actually stuff I won't eat for money...but I assure you, such things exist.
Ultimately, I've hit upon a program I think you should all be able to get behind. I realize that there are things that you really don't want me to do -- REALLY!
So, here's my offer. I won't do any of the following things if you do send me money. I've installed a lovely little Paypal widget right there at the top of my sidebar to make things easy on you. Herewith, is a list of things I solemnly promise not to do -- if I'm compensated.
Under no circumstances will I:
-run for elective office of any kind.
-accept coronation as an Emperor, King, Tsar, Poobah (grand or otherwise), Chief, Monarch, Potentate or Sovereign.
Likewise, I will not:
-accept any title denoting superior rank (excepting, Captain Obvious, Cap'n Crunch, Admiral Underpants, General Badass, and/or Major Incident.)
-accept any position of absolute power or authority. (Massive amounts of power and/or authority will remain fair game, but there will always be at least one person who can point out that I am, in fact, an idiot.)
-proclaim myself an ultimate arbiter of taste or fashion.
I will exercise the massive control required to refrain from:
-looking in your windows.
-rifling through your medicine chest (either as an invited or uninvited guest).
-peeking under your mattress.
-giving you a computer (or other such device) from which I can observe you with a webcam secretly under my control.
I will not:
-try to convert you to or from any religion (although I maintain a strict non-denominational policy with regard to pointing and laughing at stupid people).
-overly concern myself with politically correct utterances (especially regarding the use of the word "retarded". That makes me giggle and I enjoy giggling on occasion.)
-however, giggle in public settings (Frankly, it's not very dignified and you won't have to pay me much to prevent this one).
Furthermore, I swear I will not:
-stand on the top two steps of any ladder.
-operate heavy machinery while using antihistamines.
-take candy from a baby.
-operate an electric toaster in a bathtub.
-remove the tags from mattresses.
Now, these are only the things I can think of that you may prefer I didn't do. If there are other activities or actions you'd like me to not do, feel free to identify such actions (with a dollar amount, of course) that you'd like to prevent.
Disclaimer: Some of the above-listed activities are things I would not consider doing regardless of any payment proffered to prevent them. While you may feel that paying me to prevent actions that I wouldn't take anyway would be a waste of your money, you have no way of knowing which those items are. I really suggest you pony up...just to be on the safe side.