Frankly, I'm having trouble thinking of any reason at all that you might want to send me money. But the thing is -- I'd really love it if people would send me money. Sad Unfunded Nathan is Sad & Unfunded.
Now, I don't know about you, but I don't see the fact that my life is going along just swimmingly as any reason I shouldn't be the recipient of free money. I've come to the realization, however, that you, my potential benefactors should really get something out of the deal.
I considered offering to do something in exchange for your largesse. Then I started realizing I might not want to do anything you people might want done in exchange for enriching me. You might ask me to shave my head. I don't want a tatoo. There is no amount of money that could get me to jump out of a perfectly good airplane (with or without a parachute). I've already eaten stinky tofu (I even paid for it myself), so you may doubt that there's actually stuff I won't eat for money...but I assure you, such things exist.
Ultimately, I've hit upon a program I think you should all be able to get behind. I realize that there are things that you really don't want me to do -- REALLY!
So, here's my offer. I won't do any of the following things if you do send me money. I've installed a lovely little Paypal widget right there at the top of my sidebar to make things easy on you. Herewith, is a list of things I solemnly promise not to do -- if I'm compensated.
Under no circumstances will I:
-run for elective office of any kind.
-accept coronation as an Emperor, King, Tsar, Poobah (grand or otherwise), Chief, Monarch, Potentate or Sovereign.
Likewise, I will not:
-accept any title denoting superior rank (excepting, Captain Obvious, Cap'n Crunch, Admiral Underpants, General Badass, and/or Major Incident.)
-accept any position of absolute power or authority. (Massive amounts of power and/or authority will remain fair game, but there will always be at least one person who can point out that I am, in fact, an idiot.)
-proclaim myself an ultimate arbiter of taste or fashion.
I will exercise the massive control required to refrain from:
-looking in your windows.
-rifling through your medicine chest (either as an invited or uninvited guest).
-peeking under your mattress.
-giving you a computer (or other such device) from which I can observe you with a webcam secretly under my control.
I will not:
-try to convert you to or from any religion (although I maintain a strict non-denominational policy with regard to pointing and laughing at stupid people).
-overly concern myself with politically correct utterances (especially regarding the use of the word "retarded". That makes me giggle and I enjoy giggling on occasion.)
-however, giggle in public settings (Frankly, it's not very dignified and you won't have to pay me much to prevent this one).
Furthermore, I swear I will not:
-stand on the top two steps of any ladder.
-operate heavy machinery while using antihistamines.
-take candy from a baby.
-operate an electric toaster in a bathtub.
-remove the tags from mattresses.
Now, these are only the things I can think of that you may prefer I didn't do. If there are other activities or actions you'd like me to not do, feel free to identify such actions (with a dollar amount, of course) that you'd like to prevent.
Disclaimer: Some of the above-listed activities are things I would not consider doing regardless of any payment proffered to prevent them. While you may feel that paying me to prevent actions that I wouldn't take anyway would be a waste of your money, you have no way of knowing which those items are. I really suggest you pony up...just to be on the safe side.
10 comments:
I'm too slothful to donate more than 99 cents.
Sorry, dude.
Yessssss!
My evil plans are coming to fruition!
(Only a few hundred thousand donations like that...)
Why didn't I think of this?
Oh, yeah, would mean building a blog. I'm just such a slug when it comes to that kind of stuff!
(very much similar to my attitude about housecleaning...)
recone: the art of putting your perfect scoop of ice cream back into the cone when it falls out
Furthermore, I swear I will not:
-stand on the top two steps of any ladder.
This one makes me reeeally want to see you with a four step. :)
Tell you what -- I'll send you 5 dollars if you send me 5 dollars.
[nods, wiggles nose, whatever it is that performs such a deed instantaneously]
There! Now I feel super-generous and so do you! Aren't we great? ;)
porpow = the sound your anti-aircraft gun makes right before it seizes up on you
A.J.
I was on the very top of a 4-step just yesterday. But, in my defense, nobody had paid me a dime yet.
Also in my defense, just how useless is a ladder that only gives you 8" of elevation if used properly?
Anne, I cheated. I kept your $5 and send you back a bad check!
Hmmm... I have a two-step ladder. It's for reaching high places around my apartment. You'd really be out of luck with it, I think. ;)
ameri = a citizen of the U.S. who can't.
Nathan, I think you should have a donation thermometer or something, to show your progress in some (semi) meaningful (or at least amusing) way.
Ask and ye shall receive.
(It's on the sidebar)
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