Saturday, February 20, 2010

Bribery Is Such An Ugly Word!

I don't have any heart-tugging reasons to get you to send me money. I have no horrible diseases.  I've experienced no traumas or catastrophes.  I'm certainly not raising money for any other worthy cause you might wish to donate to.

Frankly, I'm having trouble thinking of any reason at all that you might want to send me money.  But the thing is -- I'd really love it if people would send me money.  Sad Unfunded Nathan is Sad & Unfunded.


Now, I don't know about you, but I don't see the fact that my life is going along just swimmingly as any reason I shouldn't be the recipient of free money.  I've come to the realization, however, that you, my potential benefactors should really get something out of the deal.

I considered offering to do something in exchange for your largesse. Then I started realizing I might not want to do anything you people might want done in exchange for enriching me.  You might ask me to shave my head.  I don't want a tatoo.  There is no amount of money that could get me to jump out of a perfectly good airplane (with or without a parachute). I've already eaten stinky tofu (I even paid for it myself), so you may doubt that there's actually stuff I won't eat for money...but I assure you, such things exist.

Ultimately, I've hit upon a program I think you should all be able to get behind.  I realize that there are things that you really don't  want me to do -- REALLY!

So, here's my offer.  I won't do any of the following things if you do send me money. I've installed a lovely little Paypal widget right there at the top of my sidebar to make things easy on you.  Herewith, is a list of things I solemnly promise not to do -- if I'm compensated.

Under no circumstances will I:
-run for elective office of any kind.
-accept coronation as an Emperor, King, Tsar, Poobah (grand or otherwise), Chief, Monarch, Potentate or Sovereign.

Likewise, I will not:
-accept any title denoting superior rank (excepting, Captain Obvious, Cap'n Crunch, Admiral Underpants, General Badass, and/or Major Incident.)
-accept any position of absolute power or authority. (Massive amounts of power and/or authority will remain fair game, but there will always be at least one person who can point out that I am, in fact, an idiot.)
-proclaim myself an ultimate arbiter of taste or fashion.

I will exercise the massive control required to refrain from:
-looking in your windows.
-rifling through your medicine chest (either as an invited or uninvited guest).
-peeking under your mattress.
-giving you a computer (or other such device) from which I can observe you with a webcam secretly under my control.

I will not:
-try to convert you to or from any religion (although I maintain a strict non-denominational policy with regard to pointing and laughing at stupid people).
-overly concern myself with politically correct utterances (especially regarding the use of the word "retarded".  That makes me giggle and I enjoy giggling on occasion.)
-however, giggle in public settings (Frankly, it's not very dignified and you won't have to pay me much to prevent this one).

Furthermore, I swear I will not:
-stand on the top two steps of any ladder.
-operate heavy machinery while using antihistamines.
-take candy from a baby.
-operate an electric toaster in a bathtub.
-remove the tags from mattresses.

Now, these are only the things I can think of that you may prefer I didn't do.  If there are other activities or actions you'd like me to not do, feel free to identify such actions (with a dollar amount, of course) that you'd like to prevent.

Disclaimer: Some of the above-listed activities are things I would not consider doing regardless of any payment proffered to prevent them.  While you may feel that paying me to prevent actions that I wouldn't take anyway would be a waste of your money, you have no way of knowing which those items are.  I really suggest you pony up...just to be on the safe side.


Janiece said...

I'm too slothful to donate more than 99 cents.

Sorry, dude.

Nathan said...


My evil plans are coming to fruition!

(Only a few hundred thousand donations like that...)

WendyB_09 said...

Why didn't I think of this?

Oh, yeah, would mean building a blog. I'm just such a slug when it comes to that kind of stuff!

(very much similar to my attitude about housecleaning...)

recone: the art of putting your perfect scoop of ice cream back into the cone when it falls out

A.J. said...

Furthermore, I swear I will not:
-stand on the top two steps of any ladder.

This one makes me reeeally want to see you with a four step. :)

Anne C. said...

Tell you what -- I'll send you 5 dollars if you send me 5 dollars.

[nods, wiggles nose, whatever it is that performs such a deed instantaneously]

There! Now I feel super-generous and so do you! Aren't we great? ;)

porpow = the sound your anti-aircraft gun makes right before it seizes up on you

Nathan said...


I was on the very top of a 4-step just yesterday. But, in my defense, nobody had paid me a dime yet.

Also in my defense, just how useless is a ladder that only gives you 8" of elevation if used properly?

Nathan said...

Anne, I cheated. I kept your $5 and send you back a bad check!

MWT said...

Hmmm... I have a two-step ladder. It's for reaching high places around my apartment. You'd really be out of luck with it, I think. ;)

ameri = a citizen of the U.S. who can't.

Janiece said...

Nathan, I think you should have a donation thermometer or something, to show your progress in some (semi) meaningful (or at least amusing) way.

Nathan said...

Ask and ye shall receive.

(It's on the sidebar)