This morning I was perusing Fark and I ran across these three stories. Now it's entirely possible I'm missing something here, but I believe the folks at Fark may expect you to find some amusement in these stories. Is there anything to be mocked in the protagonists in these three reports? I think not.
I think their positions are perfectly reasonable and I'm outraged on their behalf. See if you don't agree.
First up? Fighting racisim by portraying racism is racist! Tinashe Makunike, a British student has walked out of his classes in protest over being forced to read the racist tract, To Kill a Mockingbird. I believe he says it best:
"Books like this do nothing to alleviate or reduce racism, but have contributed negatively to the school community with me getting the worst impact of its negativity."
He's absolutely right. I had a little difficulty deciphering the positives and the negatives and then the relative negatives (some of which were apparently worse), but once I figured out what he was talking about, I had to come down on his side. In solidarity with Mr. Makunike, I demand that we:
-Remove all scenes of brutality and subjugation from Roots. (It's too damned long anyway.)
-Delete the horrific scene from Sophie's Choice where that Nazi forces her to hand over one of her children. (I'm not sure if we're protecting Jewish or Nazi sensibilities, but why take chances?)
-Immediately begin production on a remake of Dances with Wolves. In the new version, the entire population of the frontier fort will move into a sod hut with Lt. Dunbar. They will frolic with wildlife and live harmoniously with their new neighbors. Unreconstructed proponents of Manifest Destiny must be protected at all costs.
And to be on the safe side, I further suggest that the corpse of Harper Lee be exhumed and beaten about the head and shoulders. Note: It has been brought to the attention of this writer that Harper Lee is still among the living. Since it might hurt her feelings to be pummeled while still living, I'm willing to wait until her peaceful demise to follow through on this suggestion. I'm a patient man.
Next on tap? Dominic Maglione, a desk officer at Brooklyn's 90th Precinct wants his gun and badge back. The story is not clear about whether or not Mr. Maglione is on limited duty, but I want this guy fully reinstated. And why is he being persecuted? For practicing his First Amendment rights and worshipping how he sees fit. So what if he prays for up to 10 hours at a time (peeing on himself in his fervency to remain at prayer). So what if he sees Demons in the Precinct.
Other cops serve honorably with no adverse effects from their cannibalism (that body of Christ eating thing). Nobody bitches at Sikh cops for carrying non-standard weapons (those dangerous knives). I have no evidence of this, but I'm sure there's a bunch of Pentecostals hiding snakes in the locker room (Shut up...I know these things). And let's not forget all the Jewish cops who barbarically mutiliate their little boys in infancy.
I say who the hell does the NYPD think they are to decide how observant Mr. Maglione should be. If he decides he's been called upon to perform exorcisms in lockup, then I say he's performing a public service. In fact, I think he should be given his own Emergency Services Unit vehicle, packed to the gills with automatic weapons and paramilitary equipment...with an altar installed to accomodate his beliefs.
Finally, there's Latreasa L. Goodman of Ft. Pierce, Florida. In what is becoming a recurring theme, innocent consumers are going to fast food franchises and being told that the restaurants are out of what they want. And the Authorities aren't doing a damned thing about it. Ms. Goodman stated her case succinctly in her call to 911:
“This is an emergency, If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one,” Latreasa L. Goodman told police. “This is an emergency.”
Not only did the cops fail to respond by forcing McDonalds to cough up the nuggets, they charged Goodman with "a misuse of 911". This is patently unfair. Ms. Goodman is Constitutionally entitled to her nuggets.
You may think this is petty, but I'm going to make a courageous stand in Ms. Goodman's favor. To paraphrase some guy:
First they came for the guy who called 911 about an overcooked steak but I was a Vegan so I did not speak out. Then they came for the woman who got beat out for a parking space and the old guy who got served a fly in his soup but I was not one of them, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Mothers who breastfeed while driving cars and speaking on cell phones and chewing on toenails but I was not a Mother who breastfeeds while driving my car and speaking on my cell phone and chewing on toenails so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me.
Join me people. Stand up and demand your rights. Repeat after me:
I ordered McNuggets, not a fucking McDouble and if I don't get 'em right now, I'm calling down the Wrath of Khan on your damn drive-thru window!