Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I'm Outraged! Outraged I Say...

and somebody better do something about it. (I'll be taking a nap. Please let me know when you've dealt with these affronts. Thanks.)

This morning I was perusing Fark and I ran across these three stories. Now it's entirely possible I'm missing something here, but I believe the folks at Fark may expect you to find some amusement in these stories. Is there anything to be mocked in the protagonists in these three reports? I think not.

I think their positions are perfectly reasonable and I'm outraged on their behalf. See if you don't agree.

First up? Fighting racisim by portraying racism is racist! Tinashe Makunike, a British student has walked out of his classes in protest over being forced to read the racist tract, To Kill a Mockingbird. I believe he says it best:

"Books like this do nothing to alleviate or reduce racism, but have contributed negatively to the school community with me getting the worst impact of its negativity."

He's absolutely right. I had a little difficulty deciphering the positives and the negatives and then the relative negatives (some of which were apparently worse), but once I figured out what he was talking about, I had to come down on his side. In solidarity with Mr. Makunike, I demand that we:

-Remove all scenes of brutality and subjugation from Roots. (It's too damned long anyway.)

-Delete the horrific scene from Sophie's Choice where that Nazi forces her to hand over one of her children. (I'm not sure if we're protecting Jewish or Nazi sensibilities, but why take chances?)

-Immediately begin production on a remake of Dances with Wolves. In the new version, the entire population of the frontier fort will move into a sod hut with Lt. Dunbar. They will frolic with wildlife and live harmoniously with their new neighbors. Unreconstructed proponents of Manifest Destiny must be protected at all costs.

And to be on the safe side, I further suggest that the corpse of Harper Lee be exhumed and beaten about the head and shoulders. Note: It has been brought to the attention of this writer that Harper Lee is still among the living. Since it might hurt her feelings to be pummeled while still living, I'm willing to wait until her peaceful demise to follow through on this suggestion. I'm a patient man.

Next on tap? Dominic Maglione, a desk officer at Brooklyn's 90th Precinct wants his gun and badge back. The story is not clear about whether or not Mr. Maglione is on limited duty, but I want this guy fully reinstated. And why is he being persecuted? For practicing his First Amendment rights and worshipping how he sees fit. So what if he prays for up to 10 hours at a time (peeing on himself in his fervency to remain at prayer). So what if he sees Demons in the Precinct.

Other cops serve honorably with no adverse effects from their cannibalism (that body of Christ eating thing). Nobody bitches at Sikh cops for carrying non-standard weapons (those dangerous knives). I have no evidence of this, but I'm sure there's a bunch of Pentecostals hiding snakes in the locker room (Shut up...I know these things). And let's not forget all the Jewish cops who barbarically mutiliate their little boys in infancy.

I say who the hell does the NYPD think they are to decide how observant Mr. Maglione should be. If he decides he's been called upon to perform exorcisms in lockup, then I say he's performing a public service. In fact, I think he should be given his own Emergency Services Unit vehicle, packed to the gills with automatic weapons and paramilitary equipment...with an altar installed to accomodate his beliefs.

Finally, there's Latreasa L. Goodman of Ft. Pierce, Florida. In what is becoming a recurring theme, innocent consumers are going to fast food franchises and being told that the restaurants are out of what they want. And the Authorities aren't doing a damned thing about it. Ms. Goodman stated her case succinctly in her call to 911:

“This is an emergency, If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one,” Latreasa L. Goodman told police. “This is an emergency.”

Not only did the cops fail to respond by forcing McDonalds to cough up the nuggets, they charged Goodman with "a misuse of 911". This is patently unfair. Ms. Goodman is Constitutionally entitled to her nuggets.

You may think this is petty, but I'm going to make a courageous stand in Ms. Goodman's favor. To paraphrase some guy:

First they came for the guy who called 911 about an overcooked steak but I was a Vegan so I did not speak out. Then they came for the woman who got beat out for a parking space and the old guy who got served a fly in his soup but I was not one of them, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Mothers who breastfeed while driving cars and speaking on cell phones and chewing on toenails but I was not a Mother who breastfeeds while driving my car and speaking on my cell phone and chewing on toenails so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me.

Join me people. Stand up and demand your rights. Repeat after me:

I ordered McNuggets, not a fucking McDouble and if I don't get 'em right now, I'm calling down the Wrath of Khan on your damn drive-thru window!


mattw said...

She shouldn't have been ordering McNuggets anyway. Everyone knows that Wendy's has the best fast-food chicken nuggets. What the hell was she thinking?

Tania said...

Um. Hi.

My name is Tania. I'm a member of Mensa. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to post this, but this seemed like a good place where meanies wouldn't delete what I have to say.

I like to ride motorcycles. Vrooom! Vroom!
I like to wear leather with fringe.
Shake! Shake!
I like to take to the road with my boyfriend Evan that I share with my lead bitch Janiece and raise hell.
Flame skulls! Flame on!

I'm sure that no one here is clever enough to get my references, and that makes me sad.
Frowny face. :(

If you people were members of Menda like me, you'd understand. I'm so sorry for you.

Eric said...

Also, you remember that old Star Trek episode with the half-black/half-white guy being chased by the half-white/half-black guy? Yeah, well since Paramount was redoing the SFX with CGI for the SciFi/DVD reissue anyway, I think they oughta redo that one so that it's a grey guy chasing another grey guy! To hell with whatever backwards "message" they were trying to get at regarding the irrationality and futility of racism: you want real absurd futility, have a coupla grey guys trying to kill each other. In fact, make 'em both Frank Gorshin while you're doing the CGI! Yeah! That'll really send home how stupid it is without offending my delicate sensibilities. Hell, make everybody on board the fucking Enterprise into Frank Gorshin, yeah, that's the ticket! Frank Gorshin can tell Frank Gorshin that he doesn't see any difference between Frank Gorshin and Frank Gorshin, so why is Frank Gorshin trying to kill Frank Gorshin, and he better stop trying to kill Frank Gorshin on Frank Gorshin's ship, dammit! He can wait and do it on Frank Gorshin's planet of Frank Gorshins, if he can't stop himself, instead of jeopardizing the lives of all the Frank Gorshin's under Frank Gorshin's command!

It'll be the Best. Episode. Ever.

Eric said...


Frank Gorshin!

Nathan said...


Once again I can demonstrate the superiority of us Non-Mensans. I, for one, have failed the test to get on Jeopardy at least three times, thereby saving myself a fruitless trip to Los Angeles. Can you say the same?


Note: For those of you who completely miss the reference, if you read some stuff that had been posted elsewhere at some other time in the recent past, you'd totally get what she's talking about. On the other hand, if you're lost, don't feel bad. You really didn't miss that much. Just a long rambling comment written so badly that nobody knew if they were being complimented or insulted.

Nathan said...

Except that Frank Gorshin always sort of annoyed me. I guess I'll root for the annihilation of Frank Gorshin.

Better yet, couldn't they just re-shoot it with a bunch of empty sets?

Jim Wright said...

Not insulted.

Condescended to.

Because I'm stupid. Apparently.

Janiece said...

I'm so proud.

I'm Tania's lead bitch!

And I get to share Evan with her!

My life is now complete.

Flame ON!*

*The new motto of the UCF

Jeff Hentosz said...

Ms. Goodman's call might more accurately be transcribed thus:

“This is a'mergency, If I would of known they din’t have McNuggets, I woun’t of given my money, and now she wants to gimme a McDouble, but I don’ want one. ::hiccup::

And, yeah, what Matt said. McD's nuggets are like dog snax. Wendy's or Arby's popcorn chicken FTW.

Tania said...

Flame skull! Flame on!

(sorry, every time I think about flaming skull insignias, it makes me giggle like a 12 year-old girl)

Anonymous said...

Flame ON!

And now I'm imagining a commercial similar to the Clapper commercial.

"Flame On!

Flame Off!

Flame On
Flame Off
The Flamer!"

Er, that didn't quite work. Never mind.


Janiece said...

(sorry, every time I think about flaming skull insignias, it makes me giggle like a 12 year-old girl)

Tania, me too!

Must be because we're lead bitches.


Janiece said...

I'm waiting for a new UCF logo that will accurately reflect our status as a flaming skull biker gang (*cough*Michelle*cough*Keith*cough*).

Some dude stuck in the Midwest said...

I would arrest that woman for not knowing the McD's menu.

There's the double-cheesebuhger, there is a double quaterpounder (half-pounder)?


mattw said...

Konstantin, there is a McDouble. It's the Double Cheeseburger with only one slice of cheese.

Random Michelle K said...

Flame On!

I've got several friends that can take care of that for you. However, they pretty much never stop flaming.

Janiece... Are you kidding me? flaming skulls? Those are so passe! I'm thinking a flaming LHC or something really cool.

Except the logo won't fit on a t-shirt.

Janiece said...

How about a flaming LHC shooting our microscopic black holes?

Janiece said...

Ooo! Ooo!

How about an LHC shooting out flaming skulls?

Janiece said...

Ooo! OOO! How about a flaming shooting out FRANK GORSHIN!

I crack me up.

Eric said...

Or FRANK GORSHIN's flaming skull!

Nathan said...

Except the logo won't fit on a t-shirt.

After the black holes get 'em, anything will fit on a t-shirt...even a teeny-tiny t-shirt.

Random Michelle K said...

And apparently the logo also needs a toaster.

kimby said...

You guys have way to much fun while I am stuck in class learning about dead people.
Motorcycle bitches?
Shaking it in leather jackets? girls don't shake in leather..I think it is some sort of bylaw...small children could be at risk.
Can I stand on the sidelines and wave some sort of banner? Or flag maybe?