Friday, August 14, 2009

My Back Pages: Showering the World with My Genius Since 1966.

Recently, my sister was going through boxes and boxes of stuff that had been packed up and left in her care, the idea being, that eventually, she'd be in charge of figuring out what on earth my mother had saved that required 20 or so boxes to store. Well, it turned out to be terribly important papers from all of our childhoods. She sent me some of the stuff that I had made and/or written and I must say, the world will one day thank her (and my mother) for preserving these documents. They clearly demonstrate early signs of my wit and keen intelligence and one day, when a museum is erected in my honor, these documents may just be the cornerstone anchoring the many exhibits that will be there.

Let us begin with this essay written by moi, in first grade. The depth of my research and my dedication to scientific methods is beautifully displayed here.

If you can't read it even after embiggening it, let me provide an accurate transcript:


A dinsar is vere danjoris. Thay'are vere Big.
The Brontosauras was The
Biggest of them all.
The names of them are
Brontosaures, Tyrannosaur.
that is two of the have
A Dinsar is omost Bigger
than the InpIyr Bildeg.
Most Dinsars eat tree Tops.

I was also uniquely politically involved at a tender age. Here, I offer you evidence that LBJ was taking my thoughts into account while governing. I won't say I was one of his closest advisors, but clearly, my input was appreciated.

And what, you may ask brought on this outpouring of appreciation from the President('s Personal Secretary)? This little missive.

Once again, a transcript for those of you unable to decipher my brilliance:

L.B. Johnson
President Johnson is calling
President Deigal. Deigal is the
President of france. Johnson
can't get to Deigal's party
on time. So he will catch the nearest bird and fly

(There's a highly perceptive subtext hidden in there. If you're to dense to grasp it, I'm certainly not going to explain it to you. Let's just say there would have been a second term for Johnson if he'd followed my advice more closely.)

Lastly, I wouldn't want you to think I was some freak of a child -- dedicated solely to lofty issues. I had my lighter side as well. This one is self-explanatory and while showing my early whimsy to good effect, also spotlights my nascent deal-making talents.


MWT said...

Heh, just last night I scanned in a picture I drew in 4th grade. Then decided that it sucked and I shouldn't post it. Maybe I will, now... >.>

Karen from Mentor said...

I didn't have to *embig* anything.
but I'm stealing the word.

just fyi

here have one of mine
(since we're in six year old mode we'll do tradesies)


it's when butterflies fall in love.

awww isn't that nice?

it's from bambi,but it doesn't get NEARLY enough usage

neither does trundle my daisyheads.

A group of us tried to get that phrase to catch on at an amusement park one day, but only about six people were even willing to give it a try.
*sigh* where's the american spirit of adventure?

Eric said...

I'd rather read an entire book of those than another R.A. Salvatore novel.

I'm not kidding.

No, seriously. I'm not kidding.

Nathan said...


I stole "embiggen" from The Simpsons. Feel free to pass on the theft.


I'll be happy to publish more, but you'll have to take responsibility for avoiding Salvatore all on your own. (I haven't had any real trouble avoiding his stuff.)

Nathan said...

Oh, and MWT,


Dave L said...

I am learning so much about your childhood as a genius. And i've deciphered your secret past.

Don't take this the wrong way, but the first thing you present here is a pedantic diatribe on dinosaurs. It wasn't until after I read the other pieces that I understood - your talent had not been recognized by the government - yet.

But then you move on to this short piece written to President Johnson. Wow. I mean, look at all the hidden messages. You use "deigal" instead of "de gaulle" which was very clever. I think deigal is a name the locals in Algeria used for white-faced marmosets. So right off the bat you're saying that De Gaulle's heart is still in Algeria, despite his actions. Then you mention this party that Johnson can't get to in time. A metaphor for the then current Gaullist party? So you're saying Johnson couldn't stop the split of the party that was fomented by Pompidou? Or are you saying Johnson needs to save NATO? Either way, in that last sentence it's clear you're secretly telling Johnson to bomb the shit out of France for testing those nuclear rockets. The fact that you wrote a quatrain like you're friggin' Nostradamus really tells me you were showing off. Signs you were on LBJ's payroll.

But that last letter sealed it for me. So a bunch of French commandos came over and tried to take you out. Despite a beating that resulted in the loss of a tooth which "looked horrible," you fought them off using your spook training, a Tonka fire engine and a whiffle ball bat.

Bravo. You, my brother, are a true American patriot.

Random Michelle K said...

. I think deigal is a name the locals in Algeria used for white-faced marmosets.


Ilya said...

Priceless, Nathan!

neurondoc said...

These are great...

This is why I'm saving ThePinkThing's interesting stories. So she can blog about them 30 years from now. :-)