Yesterday, I was mercilessly attacked by a one-two punch of gastronomic mortality. Yes...food tried to kill me!
I'm pretty sure I managed to be assailed simultaneously on two separate and unrelated fronts...either of which would have been highly unpleasant all on their own.
First, there was the apple. As a child, I loved apples and ate them constantly. Somewhere in my 20's I developed an allergy to them. If I ate one, I'd feel like my lips were puffing up and my throat was closing. I stopped eating them for a while, though I'd have a little taste every once in a while, just to see if it would still happen. (You might view this as equivalent to hitting my thumb with a hammer once every 3 years to see if, maybe, it wouldn't hurt this time, but it made sense to me.) Anyway, about 5 years ago, I discovered that I only had a bad reaction to certain varieties of apples and...oh joy...I could eat others. I'm still usually careful to just have a bite or two and make sure I don't have a bad reaction before diving in and eating the rest.
Yesterday, I had three little slices of an apple. It's important to know that previously, my allergic reaction consisted of my lips feeling like they had swelled up...there wasn't actually any visible evidence. Yesterday, my lips actually grew to three or four times their normal size and threatened to eat my face. I swear, I was waiting for them to explode. Benadryl was having no effect whatsoever.
There's a couple of things you should be aware of at this point. 1.) GF and I were supposed to go to a wrap party last night for the movie she just finished working on, (Don't worry honey, I 'll be fine in another hour or so), and 2.) the leftover shrimp (at least I think that's what gets the blame), I had eaten around lunchtime were brewing some evil concoction in my belly, just waiting for the right moment to launch their sneak attack on my undefended flanks.
First, it felt like a little heartburn. Some Tums and a glass of seltzer oughta fix that up in a jiffy. (Drinking fizzy water when your lips have expanded to the size of monster-truck tires is actually not all that fun, but I figured it was medicinal so I soldiered on.)
The heartburn morphed into something else. I won't go into too many details about it, but I was beginning to feel downright uncomfortable! Uncomfortable morphed into slightly painful stomach cramps. Slightly painful stomach cramps were merely a mild prelude to all-encompasing full-body cramps. At various times during this interlude, I felt like passing out, experienced uncontrollable shivering from sudden cold sweats and lacked the energy to roll over in bed trying to find a more comfortable position. My lips were still reaching for epic new proportions so they could suffocate me.
I was rooting for one of my maladies to just get it over with and kill me quickly.
Eventually, I slept. Ah...sweet, blissful, benevolent Hypnos (who also saw fit to keep his son Morpheus at bay).
I woke up at about 6:00 a.m. feeling entirely human again (albeit wrung out from a night of defeating(?) my gastronomic insurrection). And, no...we didn't make it to the wrap party. Truth be told, I wouldn't have wanted to upstage the movie's star with my lucious, bee-stung lips, so all's well that ends well.