Friday, June 12, 2009

Contrary to Popular Opinion...That's Not My Fucking Job!


There are lots of jobs, both big and small, that the Locations Department is expected to do. If you need to make arrangements for a grand piano to fall to the street from the 33rd floor of a building, that's our job. If the men's room in the extras' holding area is out of toilet paper, unfortunately, that's our job too. There are scads of things we can appropriately be asked to deal with and they run the gamut from how cool is that kinda stuff, to oh shit, where's the new guy kinda stuff.

There are, however, a bunch of things that I don't know about and I don't want to know about.

-I don't know how you can get your SAG card.

-I don't know who's doing the music for the movie, who you might ask about who's doing the music for the movie, or how you'd find out who's doing the music for the movie.

-In a related note, I don't have the time nor will I be engrossed if you wish to tell me about the brand new 98 track recording studio you just installed in your basement.

-I don't want to read your script and I can't hook you up with anyone who's going to produce it for you.

-If you're not someone intimately related with a location or service that I need, I can't get you anybody's autograph. Or an 8" x 10" of them. Or your picture taken with them. Or backstage passes to see them perform next week.

-This movie isn't going to win any awards. Even if it does, I can't get you invited to the Oscars.

-I also can't get you invited to the Premiere of the movie.

-I can't get you the DVD. The movie might come out next year. By then, I'll be so forgotten by the assorted powers-that-be that I'll be happy if they remember me when there's a crew screening. (You can't come to that either.)

-I don't find the picture cars, so I'm really not interested in your 1949 Ford pickup truck. Yes, I'm sure it is beautiful. Now go away.

While we're at it, here's the answer to a question I've been asked way too many times...

-The reason you've never seen this movie is that we're not finished shooting it yet. We don't beam this shit live into the theaters 5-times-a-day.

8 comments:

Janiece Murphy said...

I'm crushed.

You can't hook me up with Dwayne Johnson? He's single now, you know, and if you were a true friend, you'd HOOK ME UP, DUDE.

vince said...

How about souvenirs? I want souvenirs! And no, Dwayne Johnson is not a souvenir (although apparently he is for Janiece).

Steve Buchheit said...

"But..."
::stops mid sentence, looks at 300 page script in hand, looks back at Nathan, then at script::
"Damn"
::throws scrip in garbage can and sulks away::

Nathan said...

...300 page script...

If you already had contacts, that's get you tossed out on your ear. 130 pages for a feature is about the limit.

Shawn Powers said...

-I don't know how you can get your SAG card.

Stop wearing supportive bras.

-I don't want to read your script and I can't hook you up with anyone who's going to produce it for you.

But you'd slip it into the director's trailer, right? RIGHT?

-If you're not someone intimately related with a location or service that I need, I can't get you anybody's autograph. Or an 8" x 10" of them. Or your picture taken with them. Or backstage passes to see them perform next week.

Will you pants them while I watch from behind the barrier? If I promise to give you an 8x10 of it?

-This movie isn't going to win any awards. Even if it does, I can't get you invited to the Oscars.

I'm telling the director you said that. Would mind introducing us?

-I also can't get you invited to the Premiere of the movie.

Don't worry. I can get us both in. You're not afraid of hiding in the theater for 3 days with me are you?

-I don't find the picture cars, so I'm really not interested in your 1949 Ford pickup truck. Yes, I'm sure it is beautiful. Now go away.

It's a '91. And it's already pretty famous. I'll just drive it into the set and make a dramatic entrance. I'll be sure to shout, "You were right, Nathan! They LOVED it!!!"

-The reason you've never seen this movie is that we're not finished shooting it yet. We don't beam this shit live into the theaters 5-times-a-day.

But it's a time travel movie. You'd think we'd at least have seen the scenes you shot back in the old west. I mean that was like 150 years ago!

Jim Wright said...

Sure, sure. We know you have to say that, Nathan (wink, wink).


:::did Steven Segal look at my Kung Fu Dominoes Pizza Franchise script idea yet?:::

Ilya said...

Some people! You cultivate a relationship with the guy for months, you hang on to his every word, you laugh at his jokes, you pretend to really like him... And just when you are getting to ask him for one teeny-tiny favor that could totally change your life and put you on top, he goes all "This is not my job!" batshit-crazy on you... Sheesh...

Nathan said...

And thus, Ilya's ill-conceived move to NY proved itself to be futile and fruitless prior to fruition.