We can't have the day go by without a posting. I have a distinct lack of creative juices today, so let me tell you a few jokes.
A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts." Finally, the bartender asks, "Just when is this trouble going to start?" The man says, "The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don't have any money."
A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."
This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.
A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What have you got? "Fifty cents," is the reply.
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt horribly guilty about it all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was too overwhelming. But, every once in a while, he would hear an internal, reassuring voice that would say, "Dave, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. On top of that, you're single, so just let it go!"
But invariably a different voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"Dave, you're a vet!"
A string walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "gimme a beer!"
"Are you a sting?" asks the bartender?
"Yup," says the string.
"Then get out. We don't serve your kind around here."
So the string goes outside, twists himself up and yanks and his ends. Then he walks back inside and orders a beer.
The bartender gives him a suspicious look, "Aren't you the string who was just in here trying to get a drink?"
"Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A mushroom walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer.
"Are you a mushroom?" asked the bartender.
"Nope. I'm a fungi."
(Sorry, most of my jokes work much better told than read.)
"and yanks AT his ends"
I had a girlfriend named Ann (no relations to any real-world Annes) who was kinda shy. She would go skinny-dipping with us, but would never remove her bottoms. So we started calling her "the beer girl" (Ann hides-'er-bush).
Hey, did you know yesterday is the most commanding day of the year?
Yup - March Fourth.
Why did the girl mushroom date the boy mushroom? 'Cause he was a fungi.
Grasshopper walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender gives it to him, and says "Hey, I serve a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says "You make a drink named Harold?"
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