Saturday, March 8, 2008

Nathan's State of the Blog Address

My fellow blogophiliacs, I appear before you this morning to fulfill my duty to give pertinent information on the State of the Blog. The State of the Blog is sound. (Well, actually, its all text at the moment, but Presidents always say that.) Four score and 16 days ago, a new blog was founded based on the proposition that I, Nathan, had a duty to spew forth inane content. To date, this blog has 116 individual posts. That's an average of 14.5 posts per week. I deem that some fine spewing indeed. (I base this solely on the NaNoWriMo concept that quantity trumps quality.)

In its short history, Polybloggimous has had over 2800 visitors (not of the unique variety which Nathan is completely incapable of determining.) The overwhelming majority of visitors hail from the U.S. and Canada with one visitor periodically dropping in from Pakistan and some (apparently) completely accidental visitors from various other European and Asian origins. (One recent Belgian visitor arrived based on a search for "youtube extra thick diaperies". Dude, we don't need to talk.)

These 8 weeks have seen steady growth and the blog now averages 63 visits and 128 page views per day.

For those of you who care about such things, 43% of you are using Win XP, 36% Mac OSX, 13% Win NT, 6% Sun OS Unix, and 2% Linux. 43% of you use Firefox 1.X, 24% IE 7.X, 13% IE 6.X, 13% Safari 1.X, 6% Mozilla 1.X, and 2% Opera 9.X.

Goals:

I have yet to attract a troll. I need me a troll so I can exercise my troll-bashing Gas Grill of Retribution Foominess muscles. In the event I'm not up to it, I need to get an anti-troll ghost writer on retainer.

I need to come up with Lunacy, Part Deux.

I need to send that snarky letter to Dominos.

Observations:

"nathansmusings.blogspot" is possibly the lamest URL in existence. Kids, be careful when first choosing your URL. You'll be stuck with it.

Having a list of ideas for blogging isn't very useful when you look at it and it consists of 7 ideas all vying for the position of "Most Boring Blog Entry Idea...Evar!"

In conclusion, I, Nathan do solemnly swear that I will continue to put words on the internet. I will artfully arrange them into paragraphs. I will use punctuation and italics and bolding. I will attempt, where possible to have the words and paragraphs convey messages of some sort. In short, I will do my utmost to uphold the high standards of blogadelphia.

Thank you. You are now free to move about the cabin.

28 comments:

MWT said...

As the person who uses the least common browsers and OSes, I can pick myself out in those stats. :)

Jeff Hentosz said...

Pssh. "State of the Blog." How original. Why not just write a post about not being able to think of a post? Typical unimaginative web newbie shit. Are you an elite east-coast pseudo-intellectual liberal or something? And that avatar. What's that? The Incredibles? ::tst:: How 'bout something from a real animated film, like Persepolis? Lame-o. What's "polybloggimous"? Something a sailor picks up on shore leave that makes your dingle sore? Know what else...

Aaaccchh. I can't keep this up. I'm not a very good troll. Even on "Be Nasty Day."

Shawn Powers said...

You know, MWT, I'm a bit jealous that you get to actually use a Sun workstation. What type is it?

But you can keep the Opera 9.x at home. I've tried to like it, and I just can't. I dunno why. :)

And Nathan: I'm bitterly jealous that you have such a readership so quickly. :) I've been blogging in various forms for 3-4 years now, and have only just begun to get daily visitors!

Janiece Murphy said...

Nathan, would you like me to be your guest troll? I can swear like a sailor, and I'll take some tips from taustin.

Of course, I'd log in under an assumed name. To protect the innocent.

Nathan said...

WWT,

You're statistically highly significant

Jeff,

You've given me so much to work with, but I'll zero in on one.

You're complaining about avatars? Yours looks like something's trying to eat yer face.

Hah! XD

Shawn,

Shamelessly setting up retarded events and then getting a bunch of other bloggers to participate helps.

Janiece,

Cursing like a sailor is one thing, but I challenge you to even approach a certain someone's level of asshattedness.

vince said...

In the event I'm not up to it, I need to get an anti-troll ghost writer on retainer.

I believe you have demonstrated in the past that your troll-bashing Gas Grill of Retribution Foominess muscles will be sufficient to mash any trespassing troll into numerous crushed and indivdually-wrapped troll-ettes.

Now let's get to work on that snarky letter to Dominos.

Jeff, "Phantom of the Paradise" rules. Beef, Beef, Beef!

Nathan said...

Vince, I've written the letter. I just have to, ya'know, print it and mail it.

Here's the contents:

February 27, 2008

Catrina Salts
Domino’s Pizza Customer Care Team
30 Frank Lloyd Wright Drive
P.O. Box 997
Ann Arbor, MI 48106

Domino’s Case # 500119

Dear Catrina Salts,

Thank you for the gift certificates you sent me. I tried to use them last night.

See Order #: 328283
Date: 2/26/2008 4:20PM

Unfortunately, your store in Brooklyn still seems to be having difficulties with delivering pizzas to customers. If you’d like to know the details, you’re invited to read about it on my blog at:

http://nathansmusings.blogspot.com/2008/02/dominos-pizza-needs-to-rot-in-hell.html

I’m returning the certificates as I cannot imagine any occasion where I’ll have any future contact with Domino’s Pizza. Please let your employees know that I am sincerely remorseful for ruining their evening by having asked them to…deliver a pizza. I won’t trouble them again.

Sincerely,


Nathan Gendzier

Jeff Hentosz said...

Indeed, Vince. You are a gentleman of refined tastes.

You, Nathan, XP (thank you, though, for thinking I have that much hair).

MWT said...

I've become a quadruple-U! O.o

It's a Sun Blade something-or-other. I'll look on Monday. ;) I'm also the 6% Mozilla 1.x, as that's what I use when I'm looking at the blogosphere from the Sun.

The main reason I like Opera is for its true zoom feature. That is, if you bump up the magnification, it isn't just the text - all the images magnify too. As a bonus, the page layout doesn't get completely fuxxored when the images zoom up at the same rate as the text. All this is extremely important when you consider that I'm near-blind...

vince said...

Nathan, thanks for sharing the letter.

Michelle K said...

I challenge you to even approach a certain someone's level of asshattedness.

Is that challenge open to everyone or just Janiece?

Because (I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear his) I can be a royal bitch if I so desire. :)

Nathan said...

Sure, Michelle, give it your best shot. But I'm not just talking about meanness and cursing in that certain someone's case. There's a level of clueless refusal to actually understand anything he's responding to. He looks for the nub that he can argue with and ignores everything else. His whole point is to get any response whatsover and then the ball is rolling.

Jeff,

No, I didn't actually think the avatar was you, but it does kinda creep me out.

Jeri said...

Nathan --- polybloggimous.com, .net and .org are available. Get yourself over to a registrar (I use godaddy.com) and buy 'em! You can figure out how to point 'em later.

I'm not a good troll-basher, I'm way too nice. :P

Jeff Hentosz said...

How's that? Better?

Anonymous said...

I was surfing the Internet looking for pizza when I came upon your Blog and I do Not understand how you can be so MEAN to Dominoes pizza, because they are like the BEST pizza in the WORLD and then I look around some more and discover that You People are now insulting Abraham Lincoln and What is UP with that? Abraham Lincoln was the BEST president we EVER had and He LOVED pizza and he would have LOVED Dominoes Pizza and here you are being mean to Lincoln AND Dominoes and I JUST don't UNDERSTAND what is WRONG with you?

I think all you pizza haters are just Liberals who hate the Our Wonderful President who has done so much for this country, but NO you don't appreciate him AT ALL you just Whine that your pizza is late and maybe you never thought that it isn't ABOUT you? That maybe when you've been delivering pizzas all day that maybe SOMETIMES you just Forget? And then everyone gets MAD like it's all your fault and you treat The President JUST LIKE THAT and he's done more for this country than you Pizza Haters ever could and if you don't like this country and this pizza then you should JUST LEAVE.

Because when the Grey Ones come, they're going to take President Bush and it will be Just Like the Rapture and YOU will be STUCK HERE suffering the torments and the Deviles and Demons because you hate on pizza and if you Read The Bible it TELLS YOU in Leviticus that Pizza Haters and Liberals are DAMNED TO HELL.

I hope that This Message will Help you to Repent your Evil Pizza Hating Ways, and to see that the President and Pizza are the BEST in the WORLD and you should consider yourself LUCKY.

The Goddess of Sarcasm

Nathan said...

Jeff,

I deem it excellent. My influence knows no bounds.

Jeri,

I may just do that. Does that totally mask the lame-assed name to viewers?

Nathan said...

Dear Anonymous,(If that's really your name), I'm confused by your post.

I'm sure there's some clever connection to Lincoln, but I'm missing it.

There are entirely too few capitalized words in your post. I can't tell if you really mean it. I think your post needs to be more emphatic.

Enjoy the corned beef.

Michelle K said...

Four score and 16 days ago, a new blog was founded based on the proposition

There's your Lincoln connection.

Don't forget, trolls pick up only a small part of what you've said--typically a throw-away line--and run with it. :)

Kate said...

*giggles*

That's great news on your stats though. It's nice to have regulars and I for one have enjoyed stopping in!

I've had my blog for just over a year now and I can't help every so often checking my numbers. It's kinda nice to see that there are people other than your mom that likes what you write, even if you are embarrassed when she posts a comment completely calling you out on a memory and ending it with a pet name she used when you were five.

Gosh, parents can be the biggest trolls evar.

Nathan said...

Michelle

You actually expect me to remember what I wrote more than an hour later?

Kate,

Thanks for dropping in. If you made your profile public I'd return the favor. I don't know what history you've mis-remembered but I'd be happy to make it up. :)

Eric said...

Nathan, be careful: it sounds like you're just asking for trollble.

ptah pth pthu pf--dammit, I can't get the taste of that one out of my mouth... agggggh!

Anne C. said...

I think we could take rotations on being Nathan's Troll. (One of the many reasons I don't troll myself is that it takes way too much effort. And I am lazy.)

It might start out a little like this:

Anonymous said...

I just read your post about Dominos and cant beleive that you a native New Yorker would give business to a huge corporation like that insted of the small business owners you have all around you! It's really tough to keep a small pizzaria going in New York and to have jerkoffs like you taking your business to the big corporations is an insult to New YOrkers every where. That's just like a conservative to talk big about trying to help out the little guy and then behind thier backs hand over the money to their really rich buddies. Only this time you got screwed too! Heh. That is so funny. Hope you learned something from that experience and realize why the big buisnesses in America are ruining America

Michelle K said...

Well Nathan,

If you want to understand the nature of trolls, then yes.

And Anne, that post was a little to rational and didn't have quite enough frothing to it. ;)

Nathan said...


If you want to understand the nature of trolls, then yes.


I just want to be able to yell back at them well.

And I thought Anne's effort was pretty good. Some fine senseless run-on sentences. A couple of nicely misplaced capital letters. And, of course pegging me as a Conservative since it (sorta) suited the argument was a nice touch.

Anne C. said...

Heh. I tried to leave the grammar and spelling brain at the door. And thanks for noticing the partisan efforts, Nathan. It would have been more standard to say liberal, but it didn't suit the arguement.
Michelle, the impression of logic is just to draw the prey in. The frothing happens later. ;)

I'm not going to quit my day job, that's for sure.

Janiece Murphy said...

Nathan, Kate's blog is linked on Hot Chicks - it's called Amnesia with a Side of Sarcasm.

Jeri said...

Nathan - I am not sure if a domain name forward to your blogger site would show up as that domain name throughout the visitor's session or not.

It would still get a viewer to the main page, though, using a better domain name than your current one.

And, you'd have the ability to use it with your own site someday if you chose, you could redirect it anywhere.

While you're at it, you should register nathangendzier.com too if it's available. ;)