Monday, March 3, 2008

I Can Be Bribed.

Yes I can.

I mentioned over on Jim's blog that I almost named my newest character after him, but decided I wanted to use his name for an evil and/or sniveling character. He said he'd rather be fiendishly clever. I said maybe evil, sniveling and fiendishly clever. I'm sure we'll work it out.

A while back, when Master Scalzi was posting author links, he linked Tim Pratt's post about how he should be a character in everybody's book. I thought that was pretty funny, so Adelaide Rotholz's un-met ex-boyfriend is named Tim Pratt.

I bet you want to be in my book. Sure you do. Tell me who you want to be. Tell me what you'll give me for fulfilling your dream. Get your name in my book.

I can be bribed.

Not really an update: So, RSS people, did you just get to read three versions of this where I corrected unforgivable spelling errors where my six thumbs got in the way?


Tania said...

I only saw the one version, so I think you're safe. For now...

I always wanted to be the power in the shadows. Not a main character, but a necessary one that keeps the plot moving.

I could also be happy to be an un-met character that had something stupid happen to them offscreen. Because stupid/weird things happen to me all the time...

Hmm, what could I bribe you with.. ::looks around house to see what's available::
Moose scrapple?
Smoked salmon?
Catnip cigars?
A bootle of Islay Single Malt 14 yo Whisky, Port Ellen 1983, Bottle 251 of 690?
Girl Scout Cookies?

Nathan said...


Those are most worthy bribes (except maybe the moose scrapple. Not a big fan of any scrapple, much less moose.)

In accordance with your wishes, I'll be keeping my eye out for an appropriate spear carrier.

Random Michelle K said...

If you have a clumsy character that'd be me.

It means I've infiltrated your brain and soon you'll be saying things like, "West (by God) Virginia" and "damned kids, bustin' shit up!" and "where'd the penguin come from?"

Nathan said...

Uh, Where did the penguin come from?

Random Michelle K said...


Don't talk about the penguin!

John the Scientist said...

Well, if you are going to make a character out of the younger me, he'll have to say things like:

"Hey, y'all, watch this!"


"God damn I didn't think it would burn through! That hurt."


"When I die, I want it to be quick, so I hope God says 'Duuude, I saw the fireball from here'."

In their younger years, all Chemists were closet pyromaniacs.

In fact it is only their ability to channel and modulate this affliction that separates the garden variety psycho from the research chemist.

John the Scientist said...

And you don't want to know what I can bribe you with...


PixelFish said...

Can you be threatened? Because I have Photoshop and pictures of penguins.

Random Michelle K said...


You realize "Hey, y'all, watch this!" also constitutes famous last words?

At least it wasn't "hold my beer and watch this!"

Janiece said...

A strong-willed miltary gal, of course! With great legs. And a sharp mind. And a Smart Man. Who saves the world!

Well, maybe not the world saving part. That'd be a bit Mary Sue.

As for about some home-made jam? You can pick the flavor, and if I can find the fruit, then I'll put it up. Hmm...JAM.

Nathan said...


Michelle is the one with the inexplicable penguin phobia. You can't threaten me with tuxedo birds.

I don't know if these characters will exist yet, but:

Tania can be a frazzled intern.
Michelle can be a struggling mother of 12 children Paul encounters at a campaign stop.
John can be an inept assasin.
Pixelfish has heckler written all over.
Janiece could be a bible-thumping protester (spouting parables about jam).

Jim Wright said...

I'm not exactly sure what 'sniveling' means in the context of your book, however I think it means that I'll have to have a large waxed mustache that that I constantly twirl the end of. Just saying.

Anonymous said...

I'm not quite sure what my defining characteristics would be, if I were fictionalized. A neurotic, slightly compulsive mid-manager with a get-shit-done orientation?

I'm fine with being a dead or ex type of character.

Bribes? I'll add you to my book if you add me to yours.

I'm actually thinking of adding a dead Tim Pratt to my novel too. ;)

Nathan said...


Its fiction so go for broke. There might be an astronaut in the book. Or a race car driver. Or a serial killer.

Random Michelle K said...

Michelle can be a struggling mother of 12 children

I'm pretty sure I can find you and hurt you.


And it's not a phobia is penguins! Look! My avatar is a penguin! RAWR!

MWT said...

Hmmm... I could take pictures of anything in Savannah...

Actually I have no idea what I'd want to be. Though it would be funny if there were actual spear carriers. ;)

Nathan said...

And a spear carrier might be an assassin. No-one will ever suspect.

John the Scientist said...

Nathan - I would not be an inept assassin - whatever my target was would be obliterated. It's just that the collateral damage would have to bee seen to be believed. There are still charred holes in the woods behind my parents' home that have not supported vegetation since I was a kid.

Did you know that if you coat an electric fan with hairspray, you can get quite an impressive (if not very hot) 6 foot-long cylinder of flame? I think my freshman dorm RA still has nightmares.

Random Michelle K said...


I was friends with several of your evil twins in college.

Nathan said...


When I was a kid, my friends and I would make rockets out of sparklers. You'd bundle them together with rubberbands and then wrap them in cardboard and tin foil. Then you'd hang it from a wire running across the backyard and it would go shooting across.

Well, of course, if one package of sparklers made a good rocket, two packages would be better. And we'd perfect ways of wrapping it tighter and tighter to make sure the thrust was force out the back end. And we were right; they got better and better.

Guess what? 9 packages of sparklers wrapped really, really tight is...a bomb! Lucky for me, by the time we got it that big, there were about 8 kids involved, so it wasn't only my father who had to pay for the broken windows all over the block.

PixelFish said...

Who said anything about phobias?

I was thinking more "incriminating evidence". :)

vince said...

I want to be someone who alertly stands in the background, then when something important happens, quickly rushes up with just what's needed and says "Here you are sir/ma'am."

Bribe? Well, I have access to just about any type of music by any artist that did and/or does exist that is in print, even if in obscure places. I also have sources for a lot of out-of-print stuff. So, my bribe is the CD of an artist or compilation CD of your choice.

And today I have learned don't piss off the penguins or Michelle, if I need an assassination that involves big booms connect with John or Nathan, apparently Tania or her hubby smokes catnip cigars, Jim will closely resemble Snidley Whiplash, I should save up for a bribe to Janience for hommade jam, and Tim Pratt has passed on, is no more, has ceased to be, has expired and gone to meet his maker, is a stiff, bereft of life, rests in peace, is pushing up the daisies, has metabolic processes that are now history, is off the twig, has kicked the bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisibile, and in short, is an ex-Tim Pratt.

Nathan said...

Just to clarify, I didn't kill off Tim Pratt; I just had his fictional girlfriend dump his fictional self.

Which also reminds me, his book Blood Engines has been on the "to read" pile for way to long. Gotta get to that.

Vince and Tania are leading in the bribery dept. Kick it up slackers.

Random Michelle K said...

I wasn't saying I was willing to bribe you to be in your book, only that if I had taken over your brain what the results might be.

If I'm going to bribe it'll be for something like, say, chocolate. Or books.

Janiece said...

Janiece could be a bible-thumping protester (spouting parables about jam).

Bad blogger! No Jam!

Tania said...

Smoke a catnip cigar? :shudders:

First, I'd have to wrestle it away from a cat. Then I'd have to let the kitty spittle dry before I'd consider touching it for an extended period of time.

I'd rather smoke a real cigar. And drink some of my bootle (bootle?!) of scotch.

Nathan said...


I noticed the bootle but I let it slide. Hey, its Single Malt.