Saturday, February 14, 2009

An Apology...Of Sorts.

I'm guilty of any number of things...most of which aren't any of your business, so I'm not going to mention them. What I will cop to being guilty of this morning is falling back on one of the Handy Uninspired Bloggers' Fallback Posts. Yeah, today I'm going to post about GoogleSearches that bring innocent unsuspecting dupes here. Please be totally clear in your minds that I don't feel horribly guilty about this, just an itsy-bitsy teensy bit guilty.

The standard Uninspired Bloggers' Fallback Post seems to be where you show us the various pervy searches that unwittingly end up at your blogs for whatever odd reasons Google points where it does. You all express varying degrees of feeling bad for the Searcher who ends up utterly unfulfilled by ending up on your sites. (Some of your versions of feeling bad have a decidedly gleeful tone and if you can't actually reign in your feelings of schadenfreude, you might want to consider, at least putting on a facade of reserve. Gloating is not attractive.)

I've got an entirely different type of search landing here lately. Due to the fact that I decided to get all cutesy with a couple of headlines, I'm getting people who just want a little bit of biblical internetty stuff. The unfortunates who want to enlighten themselves on why confession is good for the soul are probably just looking for some comfort and inspiration. Granted, I don't think there's anything particularly upsetting about that post for the devout, but neither is there anything comforting for anyone seeking solace for their conscience. Alternately, I'm not sure I want to know what somebody's got in mind when they Google An Abomination in the Sight of the Lord. I suspect that this person might have issues and I really doubt I'd enjoy having any type of conversation with them. In fact, I suspect many such people would fit into my description of tedious. And once again, that particular post shouldn't really cause any Exorcist-style conniptions to the pious, but nevertheless, they really don't deserve me. I'm really all about the Truth in Advertising. I'd like those who end up here to do so because this is actually the type of content they're looking for.

Now, in my defense, I think the tagline on my current banner is a fairly blatant warning about what type of place you've found yourself in. I mean, if this place is going to offend you, it's really quick out of the starting blocks on the effort. Really. If you end up here by accident, you've only got yourself to blame if you stick around any longer than it takes the page to load.

But, nonethess. I'm a nice guy and it doesn't cost me anything to issue an apology to those who would rather maintain their innocence. I heartilly regret any defilement you may have suffered.

On the other hand, there's a more insidious search that seems to be finding me of late. Brace yourselves, but yesterday I had six different people drop in as a result of searching for "Emo Phillips". Yeah, that's right! Emo fucking Phillips. First of all, I still can't figure out how that search gets anyone here. I can't duplicate the result. And second, Emo fucking Phillips? I hate that guy. If he's not actually on my shortlist for AntiChrist candidates, he's at least one of the most annoying characters to be foisted on an unknowing public in recent memory. I can't, for the life of me, figure out how his shtick ever translated into a career, much less one that has endured in any way, shape or manner. Holy Christ on a Crutch, Shit on a Shingle, just go ahead and Poke my Eyes out with a blunt poison-laden Fork. Emo fucking Phillips?

On this subject, at least, I believe I'm owed an apology. How am I going to get that guy out of my head now?

Note: I'd consider offering an apology to you for raising the hideous specter of Emo, but I think the more important consideration is that misery loves company. Thank you for your support.

(I suppose I will apologize if this post is reminds you of biting into one of those chocolates from the sampler and finding some unfamiliar gooshy substance you didn't expect. I'm just glad you bit into it instead of me.)


Eric said...

But... but... I like Emo Phillips' stand-up....

Tania said...

His performance in UHF was brilliant and inspired.

Don't go knocking on Mr. Phillips.