Friday, February 6, 2009

We Are No Longer Amused. (With an Update of Questionable Consequence.)

Today, We shall tackle a subject which has lately, become insidious. We are, of course, speaking of the widespread use, throughout the internet, of bacon as a punch line. To restate the case, We are no longer amused.

Why, you may ask, is Nathan suddenly referring to himself in the third person? Simply put, this blog, alone, does not carry enough weight to champion this movement, so a little whiff of royalty is deemed advisable. This post shall be fiat and edict-filled and We believe that anything which increases our appearance of authority is entirely advantageous. How could it be otherwise? We so decree. (We are also not certain of the proper use, if any, of commas in the previous sentence, so We shall dispense with them entirely.) So let it be written; so let it be done.

We are certain that bacon was written about humorously upon the internets long before Mr. John Scalzi took it upon himself to tape bacon to his cat, but this was our first major notice of the theme. We were highly amused at the time. We told other friends to view the magnificence of bacon on a cat. We laughed and laughed and laughed. And while We'll reiterate that We are certain others attempted baconesque humor and adoration prior to this occasion, We're not alone in tracing its rise to prominence to that particular event.

A very brief perusal of websites will demonstrate that things have clearly gotten out of hand. The sheer volume of bacon-related links on the above-mentioned blog are adequate to cause coronary issues. It's madness. Sheer lunacy. Note: We'll admit that the above-linked blog has archives that predate Mr. Scalzi's post, but We are doggedly, (even piggishly), and steadfastly maintaining our assertion that Mr. Scalzi bears a disproportionate measure of the blame for the current overexposure of virtual bacon.

We hereby assert that the age of bacon humor is at an end. A moratorium of indeterminate length is now declared. And what, you may ask, has tipped the scales; broken the camel's back; engendered this moment of shark-jumping notice? This personage (whose intellect and long-term health prospects, We shall not openly question), has declared that he shall eat nothing but bacon for the entire month of February.

We shall say it again. We are no longer amused.

We must also, in all fairness, acknowledge that Mr. Scalzi has, on a number of occasions, gently admonished his readers to cease and desist in their compulsive need to send him links to each and every bit of bacon-related arcana that appears upon the aether. In this, We applaud him, yet We also must say, "Mr. Scalzi, as ye sew, so shall ye reap." This wholely untenable proliferation is, hereby, deemed your cross to bear and your only expiation shall be found in joining this holy crusade to reign in and quash this obsession with cured pork products.

Simply put. fellow denizens of the World Wide Web, your continued attention to all things bacon is proving embarrassing to an otherwise blameless breakfast meat. Bacon, in its innocent greasy goodness, stands on the brink of backlash from your questionable fixation. We realize you intend no damage to the meat you so worship, yet you risk irreparable harm to the object of your affection. Put clearly, you are making a mockery and a laughing stock of this yoemanly breakfast treat and We object most strenuously. We are no longer amused.

Consider, if you will, all of the other items upon which you might heap your love and irony. The leap to sausage patties is a short and easy one. Lamb chops, (the rib type, not shoulder cut), are an appropriately tasty and greasy treat worthy of your temporary adulation. Some cultures worship at the fragrant feet of stinky tofu. Haggis has its adherents and is intrinsically amusing.
Or if it is the gluttony-factor you seek, chocolate has been known to cause a visceral reaction in a significant slice of the population at large.

We also believe that you might find an appropriate proxy in non-food items. We wholeheartedly endorse ridiculing and/or championing The Snuggie. The surface has barely been scratched with regard to mining The Hawaii Chair's potential as blog-fodder. For God's sake, use your imagination. And failing that, feel free to produce more LolCats, (but kindly refrain from commenting on them in LolSpeak or otherwise.)

In closing, We implore you to desist from further sullying the previously fine reputation of bacon. Your continued saturation of the landscape with all things bacon will merely cause the uninitiated to recoil in horror and to never know the joys of the use of bacon to impart a smiley face to a duo of perctly formed sunny-side up eggs; to never experience the perfect BLT, leaving avocado unaccompanied and crunchless. You are only hurting the one you love.

We are no longer amused.

Update 2/7/09: We find ourselves slightly troubled. We cannot determine whether Mr. Scalzi is flagrantly flouting our new crusade or if, as his closing remarks seem to indicate, he has seen the light. Let us devoutly hope for a happy and low-sodium outcome.


Janiece said...

"Mr. Scalzi, as ye sew, so shall ye reap."

Umm...I'm pretty sure that should be spelled sow.

Look! A double entendre!

(Your Highness)

Nathan said...

Dear Ms. Murphy,

We considered spelling sow properly but decided to refrain from referring to swine (of either gender) any more than absolutely necessary.

Thank you for your concern.

Tania said...

And now for something completely different... has a Jo Walton story up that takes place in the America of the Farthing universe. (must pay attention in my conference and not go and read blogs and the story...)

Eric said...

Thank you for Monday's post.

Short version: I concur, sir, and would like to join your organization.

Some dude stuck in the Midwest said...

Well, dogs don't know it's not bacon.

It's beggin strips!

Nathan said...

Dear Eric, Esq.

We welcome you to our crusade although we admit to slight bafflement over the reference to Monday's post.

And Comrade Konstantin,

We are not certain you've quite gotten with the program.

MWT said...

So... can we talk about asparagus instead, then?

Eric said...

My fault for not being clear.

I meant my Monday post for my blog, which is now in the can and ready to go up. That's right--I'm a pre-posting MFer.

Random Michelle K said...

If people want to be obsessed by pork products. Fine. Just don't tell me about it.

Random Michelle K said...

If people want to be obsessed by pork products. Fine. Just don't tell me about it.

Jeff Hentosz said...

huh,huh ... MWT said "ass-sparagus." huh, huh... asparagus makes your pee smell funny... huh,huh... asparagus is good wrapped in bacon...

--B. Head

Jeff Hentosz said...

Hey, that wasn't me! I AM NOT AMUSED!!!

vince said...

I like bacon. I just don't talk a lot about it.

Nathan said...

That, Sir, is entirely the point.

To paraphrase Matthew 6:6 "but thou when thou partake of bacon, shall enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut the door, consume to thine heart's delight which is in secret, and thy father which seeth in secret shall reward thee".

John the Scientist said...

"and thy father which seeth in secret shall reward thee".

You forgot the next verse:

With clogged arteries.