Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Something Is Wrong On The Internet!

Last night, I fell prey to this situation, so brilliantly described by xkcd.

There I was, doing a little browse around the internet (gotta make sure I didn't miss anything), when I stopped in at Filming in Brooklyn. The last paragraph of the post is what got me madly clicking and then madly posting a response much later at night than I should have been. Here, take a look and, by all means, follow the links: (The bold type below is my emphasis.)

Last, there was this article in The New York Times about renting your house out for a shoot. ...(I dare our resident location manager not to comment, especially after reading the first comment on the Ditmas Park Blog where we found the Times article.)

OK, so the "resident location manager" is me. And, of course, I clicked the link to the Ditmas Park Blog and read what peregrine had to say. If you read my comment over there, you'll see right away that I was just pounding on the keyboard relentlessly. Hey, I misspelled "shitty" right at the start. I know how to spell "Shitty"...correctly.

Anyway, back to the point...I don't know if peregrine is a man or a woman, but the name strikes me as feminine, so I'm going to refer to peregrine as a she. (If anyone, including peregrine, knows different, feel free to correct me.) A closer look at peregrine's profile reveals that he is...a he. My apologies.

So peregrine starts her his comment by letting us know she's he's worked as an Art Director and as a Production Designer. Here's the part of her his post that sent me off the deep end.

The location manager will tell you ANYTHING to get you to rent to the movie.
Just know that all the art on your walls is not appropriate to the movie. No one cares about that portrait of your great Aunt Mildred and all the furniture is wrong for the characters and has to go. Will it sit in the yard and be covered or be piled in the corner? What did the location manager tell you?
Here’s a hint… He lied and is onto the next location telling them the same fabrications.
Smoke effect? That stuff is oil based and will permeate every surface and fabric you own for months.
Remember if they need to hang new art on the walls it will not be in the same holes as that painting of Jr and it will be done quickly by a crew that is paid for speed not for the care of your home.
Oh and the money. Top dollar $1500 but for most shoots much, much less.
Peregrine has checked in and objects to my hurling epithets. Fair enough.
With all due respect and with all possible affection intended, Fuck You Peregrine. With all due respect and with all possible affection intended, your comments and cluelessness almost made me forget my manners and start hurling epithets at you. I like to think of myself as a good host, so I shall refrain. I don't know what kind of shit you've been working on or what shitty Location Managers you've worked with, but you've got a lot of stuff really wrong. Let's take it point by point, shall we?

The location manager will tell you ANYTHING to get you to rent to the movie.

Uh...not so much. Today, I spent the day with the Designer on the movie we're prepping looking at apartments. In each place, I take the owner aside when we arrive. This allows me to gauge how knowledgeable the homeowner is while allowing the Designer to get a good look at the place without having to make polite conversation. I ask the homeowner if they've ever been involved with a film company. If they say, "Yeah, Law and Order has shot here six times, I know that they know what they're in for. If they say "No", or "We had a PBS documentary shoot interviews here", I know I need to start from scratch. I explain that we'll have a crew of about 80 people. We'll have 4 tractor-trailers full of equipment and that since no department wants to be caught needing a doohicky that' 4 floors away on their truck, everything will come into your apartment...or into the hall outside your apartment. I explain that we'll be laying down layout board to protect their floors and walls...and that while it's purpose is to protect, it looks like shit while it's there.

Oh, BTW, did I mention that my scouts are instructed when they first visit a house that Production Designers live to have things painted. They're told to assume that we'll want to paint something in their house. When we're done, if you like it, we're happy to leave it...if not, we're obligated to return it to the condition we found it.

Or, did I mention that I always tell a homeowner that even if we're only shooting scenes in the Kitchen and the Living Room, we'll be moving into every room in the house? Film crews are exactly like a gas...they expand to fill all available space.

I will not tell a location anything to get them to rent to me. I have no intention of spending a shoot day holding hands with a nervous homeowner. If they're too nervous to deal with us, I don't want to shoot there! There are thousands of apartments in NY. I can find one that looks right without having to deal with someone having a nervous breakdown.

No one cares about that portrait of your great Aunt Mildred and all the furniture is wrong for the characters and has to go. Will it sit in the yard and be covered or be piled in the corner? What did the location manager tell you?
Here’s a hint… He lied and is onto the next location telling them the same fabrications.

First of all, yeah, we're going to move all of their stuff. Aunt Mildred isn't in the fucking movie we're shooting. But it's either going into a spare room (protected as needed) or into storage if there's not enough space. If it's piled in the yard that's because the Set Dressers who work for you, peregrine are shitty Set Dressers. And when I see that that's what they're doing with the stuff, I'm going to immediately call the Producer and demand that the Set Dressers are replaced...along with the Lead Man.

Oh, and the Locations Department arrives before the first truck pull onto the street and leaves as we watch them drive away. The Manager my not be on set, because...uh...he has the rest of the movie to prep, but someone from my department is there every moment until everybody else is gone.

Smoke effect? That stuff is oil based and will permeate every surface and fabric you own for months.

And because of that, there's not a Union Crew anywhere in the country that'll work with the oil-based stuff.

Remember if they need to hang new art on the walls it will not be in the same holes as that painting of Jr and it will be done quickly by a crew that is paid for speed not for the care of your home.

The Scenic Artists I'm used to working with are professionals who will stay there until they get it right, usually with no goading from me. If they leave with a job that's incomplete or unacceptable, they'll be going back to do it again.

Oh and the money. Top dollar $1500 but for most shoots much, much less.

My Producer would throw me a party if I could find one of the apartments we need for $1500 per day. I'd be a fucking hero. Most of the apartments in this movie will cost at least twice that per day...probably more.

Peregrine, you blog anonymously, (which you'll note I do not), so I have no way of checking your credits, but your understanding of how location managers work, your concept of how we deal (or allow the rest of the crew deal) with a person's property, your idea of what location fees are, all indicate to me that you've been working on some real crappy-assed, low budget, fly-by-night productions.

Let me give you a hint. When I finish at a location, when the homeowner is signing the release saying that the property has, in fact been restored to its proper condition, I always ask him to call me if a scout ever shows up at their door again. I need to be able to go back to places I've worked. They are my resource. I don't have any problem with them letting other movies into their homes, but I want to have the opportunity to protect them from people like you.


Peregrine said...

If you think starting a dialogue with "Fuck you Peregrine." is going to get a reasonable response it will not.
Rewrite the post and we'll talk.

Nathan said...

I did write that I was saying it with affection. :D

And honestly, having you call me and everyone who does what I do a liar is every bit as insulting. I think we're even in that department.

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm....sounds like someone's hit a little too close to the truth!

Anonymous said...

Damn, but you write an eloquent rant! :) Your English teacher would be proud.

Where do I buy popcorn and soda?

Random Michelle K said...

Big balls there or anonymous to make a comment like that.

Here's a hint Anonymous: When someone trashes your profession or lies about things that are important to you? You get upset.

There's no 'Methinks thou dost protest too much' about it.

Lies suck, and when they go unanswered, it allows others to think such lies are truths.

Of course the xkcd comment has a great deal of validity. Which is why I only respond to fools when the pop up at my friends places.

Anonymous said...

Nathan, I wish I had the balls to tell people what I think the way you do.

Now, I need to go link to this post so that our little trackback circle-jerk will be complete.

Jeff Hentosz said...

St. Peregrine: Catholic patron saint of young people trying to decide on a career (seriously).

Peregrine White: First English child born in North America.

Peregrine Took, aka Pippin: ne'er-do-well Hobbit.

All male, fwiw.

Nathan said...

Michelle, just so you know, peregrine (who does in fact) blog anonymously and "Anonymous" are not the same person based on IP. Peregrine gets props for showing up in (at least) the identity he assumes on line.

I'm pretty sure Anonymous was talking to peregrine.

(And even though he pissed me off, no end, he's behaved nicely here. So far)

That doesn't in any way change the fact that I thought his comment was hugely insulting and full of shit.

Random Michelle K said...

Hmmm... Anonymous struck me as going after you.

Which is what irked me.

Unknown said...

Hey Nathan! Your Posse likes you! They really, really like you!

Ooh, for the want of two letters...

Anonymous GF

And by the way, Peregrine...if you have the balls to come back...here's my take on your post:

Lies??? You wanna talk about lies?
How about when you film at a Nat'l Park and the Art Director swears on his/her mother's grave the product you're applying to the yellow grass is a biodegradable food dye....and guess what...it's green latex paint! Lies?? How about the Art Department that swears they'll only work ten hours and they consistently work 14 hours in a house and therefore, the company, the producer, the people who pay the Art Director's wage, also...have to pay extra ordinary overtime in location payments...Lies? How about the Frigging designer who thinks that crap she pulled out of a dumpster will be the perfect set dressing so she brings it to set...and low and behold there it is....two weeks after wrap and the Location Manager had to PAY to get rid of it....
Peregrine...give it up... you don't know squat about legitimate filmaking in NYC or anywhere else..at the most you've done under $1million films knocking around the outer boroughs and tearing up the locations because your crew, YOUR CREW isn't professional.
Now, I have to apologize to small budget films. I've worked them, also. (Yes, that was the Sundance Audience Prize.) And, it can be done the right way for low budget.
But, obviously, if you think LYING to prospective "Partners in filmaking" is professional.....you'd better stick with sailing or whatever else it is you do. 'Cuz it ain't filmaking.
Sail on the Gowanus too much? I think you've inhaled too many fumes.

Jim Wright said...

homes that have appeared on television or in the movies can certainly use that history as a marketing tool [from the article]

I thought you said you usually film in shitty locations? Down in da hood? Seriously, dude, do you really think filming a drug deal or a gang murder is going to enhance the locations real estate appeal?

- Don't kill me, Michelle, I'm just having Nathan on here :)

Jeff, you missed one: Peregrine WicRacsomethingsomthingScar, an itinerant pilgrim of the Tines race, from Vernor Vinge's A Fire Upon the Deep.

Unknown said...

Oh, crap. I was logged in.

Anonymous GF

Jim Wright said...

Hey, now, let's not all gang up on poor Peregrine - Jobs are where you find them. Maybe he works in low budget porn...

Unknown said...

Action Hero,

I just filmed (last year) in three 35 - 60 million dollar apartments.

Anonymous GF

Anonymous said...

I've used up my annual quota.

Anonymous GF

Nathan said...


I've read A Fire Upon the Deep and I have no memory of that particular peregrine. And yes, CrackWhore Chic can do wonders for you property value.

And also, I'm just sitting here laughing at GF and Michelle totally not realizing what the other was talking about. "Crap, I was logged in" is going on the "Best of" Sidebar.

And also also, I expect to be assaulted with a freezer door shortly after this comment is posted.

Random Michelle K said...

Smack him once for me. Just for good measure!

Random Michelle K said...

I'm so gonna take back that toaster...

Jim Wright said...

So, if I read this right, Cool, Smart, Funny as Hell Anonymous GF gets to film in multi-million dollar digs - and Nathan gets to do the 'Gritty' locations? Bawahahahahaha! I get the same sort of deal here.

Peregrine (of the tines) was the poet/pilgrim who eventually saved the kids, looses one of his "selves" and incorporates one of Flenser's soldiers (scar) as a replacement. And now I have to go dig out the book and reread it, thank you very much, Nathan.

Jim Wright said...

Ha! Look at liberal Michelle, resorting to violence as a first option.

I'm so proud.

Jim Wright said...

Loses one of his "selves."

Loses, dammit.

Not looses. Look at that, now I'm wrong on the internet. What a looser.

Random Michelle K said...

I wasn't resorting to violence.

I was encouraging others when they resorted to violence.

Totally different.

(again wishes she could whistle)

Random Michelle K said...

Better a looser than a tighter.

Random Michelle K said...

Or titer even.

Anonymous said...

Action Hero

Maybe that's what pisses me off. 'Cuz his attitude on filmaking is laughable. Someone who claims to have "insider" knowledge and really, the well is very shallow. He/She is so not worthy of the appellation "Peregrine."
I love peregrines. The dips and dives are astounding. I didn't always live in NYC.

BTW the 60 mil place was a gut job.

Michelle....I'm always armed and ready.

Nathan said...

This comment thread has totally not gone where I might have expected it to go.

And all I've got to say to that is, "Well done".

You guys are the best.

Eric said...

Can Nathan end his dialogue with "Fuck you, Peregrine"? Can he put it in the middle somewhere? What if he starts his dialogue with it, but clearly marks it as a prologue?

Nathan, you show far more forbearance than I would by being willing to edit your post to accommodate Peregrine as much as you did.

Incidentally, "peregrine" means "wandering," and is the name given to one of the most beautiful (in my opinion) birds on Earth; I suspect your wanderer has chosen the name out of his love for sailing, which is fair enough.

Anonymous said...

GF - you rock. I think you have Nathan well in hand. In spite of being logged in when you thought you weren't. (Nathan can go back and delete those, btw, and you can re-add them, if out of sequence, anonymously.)

Peregrine, I'd imagine you have interesting stories to tell or you wouldn't have shared your perspective. It'd be great to read a dialogue here - or elsewhere - on the subject of the good, bad and ugly of location management.

Tania said...

::applause all around::

MWT said...

This comment thread has totally not gone where I might have expected it to go.

Does it ever?? :D

Nice rant.

Peregrine said...

I will respond by merely quoting Nathan from his post onDitmas Park Blog “Renting to the Movies”

There are shity Location Managers.

Starting out with the caveat that I could never have a shoot take place in my house,…

It's not 50-60 people...it's 125 plus. The Production Designer may look at your home and say "We can walk in and shoot it exactly like it is." He means we're going to paint everything that doesn't move.

The grips really do care about your place. But they're lugging heavy stuff and someone's telling them to move faster and yes, you're going to get gouges in your walls.

I go out of my way to tell prospective locations exactly how bad it can be.

I have no intention of holding someone's hand all day saying "There, there." I'd rather walk up and say, "Yeah, your front door has a nasty gouge. Should I just call my usual carpenter or do you have someone you prefer."

Sorry, the Location Managers Peregrine talks about are assholes and most of us would prefer that they get out of our business and sell aluminum siding.

It seems we saying the same things to the renters.

”Caveat Emptor”

Peregrine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peregrine said...

The Peregrine Falcon is the fastest raptor in North America and is coming off the endangered species list by living on tall buildings in our larger cities and feeding off the readily available prey namely pigeons.

"A Peregrination" refers to a wandering or voyage.

The sailboat in the thumbnail is named "Peregrine" and plies the waters of the Long Island Sound.

Post deleted and reposted due to a typo.

Nathan said...

It seems we saying the same things to the renters.

No, peregrine, we're not.

You said what amounts to, "The location manager will lie to you, the set dressers don't give a shit about your property and the rest of the crew is incompetent."

I said, "The location manager will prepare you for the fact that hosting a shoot is a traumatic experience in spite of the fact everyone is doing their best to protect your property, is respectful and courteous and even though it might not look look like it at the time, you'll get your place back the way you gave it to the movie."

Two very different perspectives.

There are probably 200 scouts and managers in NY. I don't know all of them, by any means, but of the ones I know, I can think of only 2 lying sacks of shit who I wish would retire. (A third was chased out of the business because he was an embezzler.) Hardly an indictment of the entire industry.

Peregrine said...

I wrote in my post over at Ditmas Park Blog “Renting to the Movies”;

”The location manager will tell you ANYTHING to get you to rent to the movie.”

It now appears that Nathan will write ANYTHING to spin his position.
The quotes above from his post speak volumes. Especially;

Starting out with the caveat that I could never have a shoot take place in my house,…

Oh and from his banner you gotta love;

Hijacking you comment threads since 2007

Nathan said...

Oh, c'mon peregrine!

How is the fact that I know myself well enough to know that I'd freak out over having a film crew in my house a contradiction of anything I said? I don't like it when the meter reader from ConEd asks to use my bathroom.

I'll excuse you for not getting my banner since this is your first visit here. (It's a joke with a long history and one of the regulars here made it for me.) Moreover, what's the relevance of your observation? Was I off topic when I responded directly to what you wrote over on Ditmas Park Blog? I don't get it.

Please, by all means, give me some clue to what you've worked on that backs up your position. My credentials are all just a click away with no searching necessary.

kimby said...

I'm really beginning to hate this Midnight shift....I miss all the fun.
At least it gave me something to read with my coffee and supper this morning!
Hey GF, you should comment here more often....I like you...you fit right in here.

mattw said...

Obviously, Nathan, you are demonstrating that you take your job very seriously and conscientious of its effects. Others, apparently, not so much.

Random Michelle K said...

I most certainly did *not* write "Hijacking you comment threads since 2007" on Nathan's banner.

Second, responding to a topic is not hijacking a comment thread.

My comments about smacking Nathan and titers were comment thread hijacks.

As were the threats to take away Nathan's toaster.

Nathan said...


I do get what you're saying, but actually, the point I'm trying to make is that, yes, I think I'm really good at my job, but I don't think I'm at all unusual or extraordinary. I think my attitude is the prevalent one among Location Managers in NY and that the shitheels are in a distinct minority.

And BTW, peregrine, you're entirely welcome here. I disagree with just about everything you've said (on this topic), but you've been reasonable in your responses. Just understand that your original comment was highly offensive to me and I chose to respond in kind.

I'm also thick skinned enough to let it be water under the bridge (maybe in a day or two. :D)

In the meantime, I'm enjoying arguing with you.

vince said...


Eric said...

Wait... this is Nathan's BLOG? And he has a BANNER? With a comment ABOUT "hijacking comment threaDS?

Where the hell am I? This isn't the American Association Of Rubik's Cube Collectors blog at all, is it?

Where am I? Who are you people? Why aren't we talking about the 1985 keychain cubes with off-yellow center stickers from batch HK23019? (Looking to trade, have 1984 Taiwan in unturned condition. IM me if interested.)

MWT said...

Well, I don't have any collectible Rubiks cubes, but I do have this strange car key from 1992...

Jim Wright said...

Oh and from his banner you gotta love;

Hijacking you comment threads since 2007

Actually, Peregrine, we do love it - for a number of reasons, but mostly because it's an inside joke between those of us who hang out on each other's blogs. What bearing it has on your argument I really don't see, please enlighten me.

Jim Wright said...

I do have this strange car key from 1992...

Dammit, MWT! I've been looking all over for that...

Eric said...

Is it a strange car key or a strange car key? (Either way, one of the images that pops into my head is of an enormous silvery key covered in bizarre and ornate carvings.)

Seriously (no, really, I'm being serious now), I need to ruminate on this one, MWT, because there's a story in the phrase, "I do have this strange car key from 1992....". Whether it's a strange key or a key to a strange car, it seems like there ought to be something that can be done with it, SF or fantasy (or maybe even a more mundane mystery--whose car is it and what's inside... hmmm....). And the time factor might play into things somehow--does this key turn up in an envelope or just show up on someone's desk? Perhaps it slipped behind a drawer?

In other words, thank you. I don't know if I can do anything with it or not, but I'm going to let that one percolate....

MWT said...

Well, as it happens, the reason I mention it is because that was one of Nathan's questions on my blog, and I had it in mind to write him a short story in response - but I'm coming up blank. And in fact, I was just thinking that if you had that question to run with, you'd do a much more entertaining job. So have at it. :)

Meanwhile... Peregrine: welcome to our little corner of Internet madness. If you browse around a bit, you'll see that Nathan is really just a big goofball. ;) Try not to take the ribbing here too seriously...

Eric said...

MWT is right about the ribbing. You'll find Nathan's blog is ribbed for your pleasure.



Erm... wait, is that how I wanted to put it?

Random Michelle K said...

MTW leaned back in the high backed chair. Eric felt something slide into his pants pocket.

At first he thought MTW was being very fresh, but then he realized whatever dipped into his pocket was cold and hard.

Then he knew MTW was being fresh.

No, wait, it was just a key. At least it seemed the right size for a key when Eric slipped his hand into his pocket a few moments later. But it was awfully cold, and the metal didn't seem to warm up in his hands.

They finished their dinners and headed back to their separate rooms in the hotel. Eric pulled out the key and looked at it.

It was black. Very very black. None more black even. So black it kind of sucked in the light and he could barely see the edges of it.

"Maybe it's the key to the Heart of Gold?" He thought excitedly. "No, wait. This is from MWT. Mayve it's the key to the Heart of Darkness instead. Which would be much less fun."

"Well," Eric thought to himself, "There's nothing for it but to head out to the parking lot." He wasn't sure it was a car key, but since he couldn't say it definitively wasn't, he figured it couldn't hurt to check.

As he was walking out the front door, he saw Nathan coming into the hotel, a toaster under his arm.

"You seen Jim yet?" Nathan asked.

"Jim is supposed to be here?" Eric gulped. He now knew what they key was for.

"Yeah, talked to him a few minutes ago, said he'd be here any minute."

Eric sighed. "Well, I may as well come in with you and wait."

"Oh I'm not staying," said Nathan. "I'm just here to hide my toaster from Michelle. But tell Jim I said hi, and we'll get together for lunch tomorrow. Afterwards."

Eric nodded and hoped that the horrible sodium lights on the street hid how pale he was. He watched Nathan enter the building and wondered how long it would take Jim to..."

A hand came heavily down on Eric's shoulder. A deep voice from above said, "Hello Eric. I believe you have something for me."

Eric turned around slowly and stared up at Jim. He was every inch the action hero he'd painted himself to be.

Eric grinned weakly.

Random Michelle K said...

Now that is comment thread hijacking.

MWT said...

"Alas poor Eric," said MWT later, frowning sorrowfully at a piece of toast before beginning to munch on its well-browned edges. "I knew him, Michelle. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."

Then, looking up mid-crunch, MWT added, "Hmm. Do you think Nathan will notice his toaster missing?"

Nathan said...

You guys kill me. Really!

Anonymous said...

I needed that so badly tonight after hours of battling the gremlins of incompatible code.

The laugh felt *great*. My eyes feel just a little less like hardboiled eggs now.

You guys rock.

Freaking toasters. ::snickering::

Wait a minute. Jim's not a Mary Sue. He's a Cylon!

Tania said...

Jim a Cylon? FRAK!

Random Michelle K said...

Yeah, but I *still* don't know what they key was to!

kimby said...

Jim a Cylon?
I can't believe that...
I was thinking more along the lines of Jim=NotSophie.

Steve Buchheit said...

Damn, late to the rumble once again.

Hey, I'm just glad I'm not the only one who gets upset because some people who work in their profession just don't know what they hell they're doing and should get jobs that require paper hats.

Eric said...

It's nothing like those movies Nathan works on. This is what Jim was thinking as he sat on the lid of the motel toilet, the water in the sink shushing white noise, looking at the pair of objects in his hands. Better to think about how it wasn't like movies than to think about what he was looking at and trying not to see. The movies, some guy gets shot jumping behind a fake tombstone and it's clean. Kill a man between two cars in a parking lot and there's always something, which is why Jim had the jugs of bleach and change of clothes back in the motel room.

(Don't think about that, think about this.)

Tonight that little prick didn't make a lot of noise but he'd fought dirty as hell, had gone after his left side, especially the knee--just like a fucking lawyer, remember something you said and use it against you. He only said one thing before he died, look in the trunk, he said.

What was that movie, The Transporter, was it, where that amateur, that Hollywood idea of a fixer looks in the trunk? Fucking amazing that Hollywood had gotten something right for once.

There had been two things in the trunk of the strange car with the stange key. Why the fuck had he looked in the trunk? Had he remembered to avoid leaving prints? Not something he'd be inclined to forget, but his head had started to hurt almost as soon as he'd seen the fucking piece of fruit. And then he'd seen the shard of hardwood.

Okay, two things Hollywood had gotten right. Fuckers. The fruit wasn't made up after all. With a "k".

Jim had this idea maybe the fruit was there if you couldn't handle the chunk of polished wood next to it. He had this idea maybe he should eat it, but he hadn't because he'd still been in cleanup mode. Body went in the trunk, but why the hell had he taken the wood and the fruit. Should have left them.

The throbbing in his head was louder than the water spurting into the yellowish sink.

This piece of wood, it could have been a chunk from one of his birch bowls, but it wasn't. He knew every piece of wood he'd ever turned, and he'd know this one (unless he'd partaken of the fruit before, and there was a thought he wished he hadn't thunk). Looked like it had broken out of a bowl, a triangular wedge of wood covered in carved runes like the ones some reader had told him were alien. Yeah, right. Hang out with enough craziness, maybe you get the crazy on you, and it doesn't come off with the jug of bleach unopened at your feet that you were going to use in the shower to help sterilize any evidence that fat fucking lawyer may have left on your skin or clothes.

This headache was going to be a bitch.

And then he saw something, corner of his eye, and it occurred to him he wasn't going to have much of a headache at all. Those were new shoes, weren't they?

She looked like she was waiting for him to ask how she got in or why she was there, and when he didn't, she finally said, "You could still eat the fruit, you know," as she turned the faucet off.

"I think I'd rather die knowing," he said, not moving from his seat. "You know you just left latents all over that tap."

"You really think that matters?" she asked him. She was reaching into her purse, and he probably could have stopped her, but they both knew he wasn't going to. He'd have to deal with the fucking contents of that fucking trunk if he stopped her. It could be her problem, and that seemed about right, didn't it? He blamed Eric, knew it wasn't rational, but that's what lawyers are for, right?

"Guess not," is what he said.

She seemed a little surprised. "You're just going to let me do this?" she asked. "This is what you want?"

"Not really," Jim replied, and he tried to think of something else he could say, something clever, but all he could do was hold up the piece of wood--he wasn't even sure it really was wood, the longer he held it, matter of fact he kind of figured it wasn't--all he could do was hold it up, something like an offering, something like a defense.

"That'll be pretty loud," he finally said, "you sure you don't want to at least turn the shower on or something?" They weren't famous last words, but they were his last words and not much anyone could do about it.

Eric said...

(Looking back at Jim's Konlobos post, I see that it was paralysis, not amnesia--I was confused by one of the Google search questions... but what the hell, it doesn't much matter to the late great Jim Wright now, does it?)

(BTW Jim, I'm an atheist and an attorney, so I have a pretty good idea what I did to end up here. Who'd you piss off? Also, word of advice: nobody likes hanging out with Hitler, but he has been here long enough to figure out where most of the cold spots are--"cold" being relative, naturally--so it's usually worth it to suck up to him a little bit.)

(Nothing like Alaska, is it?)

mattw said...

Hijacking at its finest. That was awesome, Eric.

Nathan said...


That's our Eric...always showing up and throwing rocks. Happily, they're such decorative rocks.

Nathan said...

And MWT, that was my backup toaster. I've still got my fancy-schmancy one.


MWT said...




Random Michelle K said...


Well, he's behaved for the past 24 hours, so I'll let it slide.

This time.