Thursday, October 9, 2008

Would I Lie To You?

Oh, probably.

To the best of my knowledge, absolutely none of the following statements are true. I just want to see how many people will get drawn here through GoogleSearches. If things go really well, this post will get linked as documentation that one of the statements is true.

You’re all invited to contribute your own “facts” in the comments thread.

- Montana’s population is growing completely out of proportion to the rest of the country and is expected to be the most populous state by 2032. The demographic will be 22% Caucasian, 18 % African-American, 7% Hispanic, 2% Native-American, and 45% Samoan.

- During Richard Nixon’s historic trip to China in 1972, it was rumored that there were nightly gatherings in Nixon’s suite attended by National Security Council Staffer Winston Lord, Zhou Enlai, and an unnamed Chinese staffer. During these informal meetings, it is further rumored that many Ring-Dings®, Ho Ho’s® and pitchers of Mai Tais were consumed. This is not true. The drink of choice was the Pina Colada.

- The African Swallow has, in fact, been witnessed flying while holding a coconut by the husk.

- By 2056, all change will be devalued to the point that it will be replaced by candy. York Peppermint Patties will change size on a regular basis to keep their value at roughly 50¢.

- Evidence will surface in 2013 showing conclusively that Dick Cheney was part of an advanced scouting party for a race of aliens who have had a ship hiding in the shadow of Mercury for over 95 years. Upon discovery, Cheney will hold his attorney hostage until all of the bananas at a local fruit wholesaler are delivered to him. Once his demands are met, he will depart for the Mother Ship, leaving behind two bananas and a spider.

- Alchemy was proved possible by Alberto Guissepe Mastriantoni in 1521. The process caused his own spontaneous combustion and the secret died with him.

- The Harry Potter series is Non-Fiction. They were written as a pre-emptive strike by the Ministry of Magic in an effort to “hide in plain sight.”

That’s all I’ve got right now. I may add more. And as I said, your own “facts” are welcome in the comments thread.


Jim Wright said...

It was recently discovered that for much of the period between 2007-2008, Brooklyn Dominos Pizza ordering lines had been taken over by Pizza Hut due to a deliberate misprint in the phone book. Pizza Hut employees used the hijacked phone lines posing Dominoes employees and appeared to take the order - leaving Dominoes and the customer none the wiser.

Apparent order failures resulted in large numbers of angry customers who blamed Dominos for poor service. The franchise went bankrupt in late 2008, was bought out, and is now a chain of falafel take out.

Get the Door! It's Falafel!

Janiece said...

It was recently discovered by an anonymous amateur German scientist that the LHC has in fact created many out of control black holes. The result of this catastrophe is that we now live in several parallel universes, where the opinions of "experts" are interchangeable with the opinions of "retards."

Janiece said...

And on a related note, Nathan, you need to go back to work.

Seriously, dude.

Nathan said...


Are you hinting that I might have a little too much time on my hands?

I just got my blood pressure back to normal. Can I have a little more time off, please?

mattw said...

Smearing peanut butter around the inside of the pan is the most effective way to ensure your lasagna will not stick to the pan during baking.

The combination of Mentos and Ginger Ale causes an explosion so powerful that it can wipe out an entire city block. Mythbusters would have broken the story, but the U.S. government moved in and stopped the show from being aired.

The distance a frisbee will travel in flight is directly proportional to the attitude of John Tuckerton, a vacuum cleaner salesman based in Salt Lake City.

Anonymous said...

Cats actually rule the universe, and are mentally controlling us all.

Every time your nose is itching uncontrollably and you can't... keep... from... scratching? It's your cat, playing with its human toy.

Someday, they will get revenge for all that spaying and neutering, and it will not be pretty.

Eric said...

Alaskan Governor Palin does not, contrary to a popular internet rumor, support the shooting of wolves from helicopters. She supports shooting them in zoos from a golf cart. Governor Palin has also successfully shot a panda, three koala bears, two macaques, nine exotic finches, a tree sloth, a balloon with a picture of a giraffe on it, a machine that produces cotton candy, two sodium-arc lamps, and a padlock that was used to secure an out-of-service women's restroom. Governor Palin's spokesperson said the Governor's only regrets were the cotton candy machine and the women's restroom--she really regrets the restroom.

The ALM said...

Jim - It's true! It's true! Well, maybe not in Brooklyn . . . yet.

Unknown said...

In the latest news an evil plot has been discovered to bring this great country to its knees (or maybe on its face?). The plan had several phases:
1) Electronically ensure that Obama win the 2008 elections.
2) Cause him to die early (like his parents) by means of an undetectable drug masquerading as lung cancer.
3) Cause Biden to die through an apparent stroke, but really through an undetectable drug (ummm... maybe something else).
4) Have Nancy Pelosi be the president.
Fortunately, due to the ever-vigilant Homeland Security, this plot to take over the world has failed. Tune in tomorrow for some other possible plot to take over the Universe....

(This should help with your site being blocked by a third party, Nathan)

Nathan said...

Actually I'm pretty sure that will help have my site blocked by pretty much all parties. Not to mention that some guys in suits with funny little earphones may come visiting.

Eric said...

Lee Harvey Oswald did not shoot President John F. Kennedy. A careful, frame-by-frame analysis of the Zapruder film conclusively proves it was suicide.

* * *

Bill O'Reilly's original concept for "The O'Reilly Factor" was for a roundtable discussion featuring O'Reilly, Howard Zinn, Gore Vidal and Cornel West. O'Reilly's "character" was supposed to be a parody of the "fascist-capitalist running dogs" he's hated since he first joined the American Communist Party in college, but he's become trapped in the role by the surprising success of Fox News among conservative viewers, and his originally-planned co-hosts will no longer speak to him, except West, who still goes fishing with O'Reilly every summer.

Nathan said...


These are supposed to be lies. Can't you ever follow the rules?

mattw said...

Since only two parts of a chicken come in a ring, White Castle chicken rings are either made out of necks or Jim Wrights...erm...I mean assholes.

Eric said...

I totally followed the rules. Bill O'Reilly joined the ACP in high school.

Anonymous said...

Masturbation doesn't actually cause blindness. Nor tennis elbow.

That, too, should help with site blocking. ;)