Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Comment Moderation: Or Testing the Polybloggimous Arsenal

For those of you who don't know, Comment Moderation on Blogger is an all or nothing proposition. You can send all comments to a queue and only publish the ones you approve or you let them all through. (slight oversimplification, but close enough.) Once comments are published you can go back and delete the ones you hate, but you can't replace them (ala Scalzi) with pithy "removed due to utter obtuseness" or disemvowel them (ala Making Light).

Last night there was a slight kerfuffle. First, this happened. Scroll down to comment #16 to find the offender. At first, the response remained in the same comment thread. [sincerity](Note: I was horrified, yes horrified to find that I had been involuntarily drawn into the fracas. )[/sincerity].

Then this followed in an attempt to make things absolutely, positively clear. Which was followed shortly by this.

Also, earlier in the day, I had a visitor from another blog that I frequent who came to continue a conversation here, due to the thread being closed at the other blog. (Scroll down to the third comment). There was nothing egregious about this visit, but it did get me thinking about what will happen when unwanted HiJacking occurs here and/or when the Ass-tards show up. (Note: 1.) The moratorium is hereby lifted. 2.) There is such a thing as unwanted HiJacking {I'll know it when I see it} and 3) My massive popularity is singing out to the Ass-tards to come pay a visit).

Today I am asking my readers to assist me in testing the Polybloggimous Arsenal. Clearly what's needed is a well thought out policy of massive retaliation. Hey, I've got Military Experts here. I intend to make use of every tool at my disposal. Let me re-iterate. There will be no Pansy-Assed proportional responses here at Polybloggimous. When we are invaded, we will leave cinders and vapor in our wake. Trolls will be left whining for their mothers, wondering what hit them.

Update: I meant to include the fact that what we are preparing for here are the instances where The Gas Grill of Retribution, The Shovel of Doom, The Clue by Four, and yes, even The Pit of Despair are not adequate weaponry.

With that in mind, I will begin issuing orders to those with known expertise. Others are invited to pretend expertise and volunteer for a slot in my armed forces. (We'll start with Naval Surface vessels, but feel free to volunteer for Naval Air or to spontaneously form other branches.) (Note: Use of proper Nomenclature, Terminology and Procedures is not required. The point, for those who have no actual military experience, is to confidently respond as if you know what the fuck you're talking about.) We at Polyblogimmous will be pursuing a policy of "Shoot first; learn which end of the gun is which later".

Now, Let the exercise begin.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All Hands, All Hands. Now hear this! Set Condition Bravo!

Trollage has been detected originating from an IP located in Edinburgh, UK.

Ms. Murphy. Bring ship about to bearing 45º N.N.E. Make turns for 30 knots.

Mr. Wright. Prepare a firing solution for three Tomohawk Missiles. Range approximately 3200 miles. (Note: we have super weapons with unlimited range.)

All other crew. Please report in as you join up and let me know your capabilities.

That is all.

48 comments:

Anne C. said...

"There will be no Pansy-Assed proportional responses here at Polybloggimous."
Heh. You're telling me. Pulling in the gunpower of Mr. Wright and Ms. Murphy to dispatch a troll is like blowing up a cockroach with a grenade launcher. Questionably necessary ("but cockroaches can live through practically anything!"), but hell of a laugh to watch. :)

Nathan said...

Yes, but Anne, Uncle Nathan wants YOU, Too! Choose a service. Choose a weapon. Port Arms and all that.

Tom said...

This is Tom in the artillery load room. The Tom-o-hawk missiles have been loaded, and the Tom-o-dove missiles are staged for alternate targets. Awaiting Mr. Wright's firing solution...

Tom said...

And, by the way, I like the circular reference, where this post links to another post, whose comments link back to this post.

I hope the missiles aren't target similarly! It's my ass you'd be shooting at!

Nathan said...

Well, Tom, I've got to go to the Post Office, so I'll be missing for a little while. I give you release authority for all weapons. Please wait until Mr. Wright has programmed in a firing solution.

If you get bored waiting, I authorize you to shoot one (1) missile indiscriminately. Please let me know if you hit anything.

And Anne, spotters have detected an enemy Zodiac approaching on the starboard quarter. Prepare to repel boarders.

Anne C. said...

Now, repelling boarders, that I can do.

All hands on deck! Don rubber gloves and grab your buckets of tasty turds! (They'll be distracted by the crunchy soft goodness.)

Michelle K said...

Michelle, staff disemvoweller, checking in.

Tania said...

Reporting for duty, sir!

I have my asbestos undergarments on, my Clue By Four holstered and ready, and disemvoweller charged.

*lowers eyebrows, cracks knuckles, rolls shoulders*

Bring 'em on. I'm a frustrated and angry woman, I need some release.

Nathan said...

Michelle, Tania,

Thank God you're here.

The trip to the Post Office was...not good. Long line. Stupid people. Both sides of the counter.

Since WEPS and CONN haven't checked in, I need you two to take over those positions.

Come about 180 degrees.

New targeting solution for surgical strike. Coordinates to follow.

Tom, spin up those weapons.

Anne. Keep a sharp eye for missing crew. We're gonna have a talk when they get here, if you know what I mean.

Report in as conditions warrant.

Nathan said...

BTW,

I just want to take a moment to let you all know that this isn't the differently retarded game I mentioned after we finished HiJack™ Day. This is retarded I just pulled out of my ass this morning.

I got a million of 'em!

Anne C. said...

Aye aye, Cap'n. Cat o' Talkin' To at the ready.

Nathan said...

Cat o' Talkin' To

I like that. Add it to our close-in support arsenal. Along with Turd-Brittle.

Anne, you're promoted one full grade for conspicuous initiative. Let me know what rank you were when we started this nonsense.

Tom said...

Missiles spun up.

(or is it spinned up)

(or maybe spunned up)

I don't know! But them suckers are sure spinning.

Michelle K said...

Th trp t th Pst ffc ws...nt gd. Lng ln. Stpd ppl. Bth sds f th cntr.

Disemvoweller is fully functional.

Nathan said...

Tom, go ahead and fire off a couple of them suckers. Report BDA when available.

Michelle, Please aim that thing at someone else.

Tom said...

3...2...1...Tom-o-hawk Missile away.

Explosion sighted over Illinois. Obama recants "I'm the one who will stop this war..." and states "We need to teach those Iraqis a lesson." Clinton's ratings rise.

Tom invents a time machine and returns to before the missile launch. Programs new coordinates.

Missile impacts test range with maximum damage.

Tania said...

BTW, I've got powder is anyone else is getting chafed by their asbestos undies. The last thing we need to get in addition to annoying spam is an annoying rash

Nathan said...

::bangs head against bulkhead::

::congratulates himself for saying bulkhead and not wall::

Tom,

My Post Office is nowhere near Illinois. Please be more careful in the future.

Ship stores, please distribute that talc to all hands. Yup, always see to your men first. That's Leadership!

Anne, Any sign of our AWOLs?

Anne C. said...

Nay, Cap'n. (Is the inverse of Aye-aye, Nay-nay?)
The AWOLs continue to not be here. Must have been the Cat o' Talkin' To that scared 'em off.

As to my rank, I started as a lowly ensign. So a promotion would make me... lieutenant? I don't think it's sargeant, but I could be thinking of a different branch of service.

Nathan said...

Anne,

You are now a Lt. Jr. Grade (payscale 0-2) Congratulations!

You may also be interested to know that while skiffing off to research your promotion I came across the valuable tidbit that "Lieutenant" comes from the French and literally means "Place Holder". We have every confidence in you. :-)

Tania said...

Anne, congratulations on your promotion!

I shall of course refer to as "leftenant", as part of the anglo-phile disguise I will be donning to fool the trolls and spammers that I am one of their own. Espionage and infiltration on the intertubes. I'll be a spam sleeper agent, and then subvert/destroy from within.

Nathan said...

Hey guys. GUYZZZZ!

Um, is that the shore approaching? Fast?

HARD A-PORT! Do that thing with the engines where we spin on a dime. Tell the rest of formation....er...squadron...boats that we're turning.

Where's the trained guys? We may be fucked.

Its been an honor serving with you all.

Anne C. said...

Great. I'm very good at holding a place. Lt. Bookmark, that's me!

I like the infiltration angle, Tania. You'll have to work on your spelling though. It's too good.

Tania said...

Speeling might be ok (yes, that was a joke), but I seem to keep leaving out words or punctuation. I think it's the brain going into stress mode as the shore approaches. NOOOOO!!!!!

Nathan said...

We're OK now. Whoever is steering, please set a course for the Caribbean. I've got a hankering for some Rum.

Janiece Murphy said...

::Dashes in from the Ethernet::

I have the conn! Helmsman, hard right rudder! All back full!

This is not drill! General Quarters, General Quarters! All hands man your battle stations. Up and forward on starboard, down and aft port. General Quarters, General Quarters!

Where the hell is that Weapons Officer?? Typical Warrant, off drinking the lifer's juice and hanging around in the goat locker when there's mischief afoot!

Nathan said...

::waits for everything to calm down::

Ms. Murphy, Please join me on (that outside place just outside of the Bridge, you know the place I mean.)

::Goes outside and rips Murphy a new one for being AWOL all day, but doesn't do it in front of the Ship's Company, because he's a true leader::

And don't let it happen again!

Please return to your station.

MWT said...

*burst forth from a morass of Matlab7 scripts, IDL scripts, PHP scripts laden with PostgreSQL statements, and a recalcitrant medical lab that insists I owe them money*

Sorry folks, I can't play today. I'll just consider my official battlestation to be the brig.

*locks self in*

*gets sucked back under by the aforementioned morass*

Janiece Murphy said...

::Note to Moderator: It's called a "bridge wing," or least it was on my ship.::

Disaster averted. Setting a course for Jamaica, Mon.

Carry on.

Nathan said...

OK, now that the knowledgeable folks have begun to show up, lets try this again.

We're currently steaming (do we steam?) 100 miles off the coast of NY. We're headed SSE in search of Rum.

I'm detecting trollery originating from somewhere in Arkansas. (They voted for Huckabee, so I'm less concerned about collateral damage.)

The troll in question has just left a post in ALL CAPS spouting some nonsense about we need to give up some rights if we wanna be safe and GWB is Jeebus' love-child.

Suggested courses of action? Do we have any air assets? Mech? Future-Tech?

Tom said...

Cap'n! Missile loader Tom, here.

I suggest we de-CAPitate the trolls.

Nathan said...

Excellent suggestion Mr. Snavely.

Infiltrator, prepare to steal shift keys and CAPS lock once IP is designated.

(This is even more retarded than it was when we started.)

Anne, launch the Turd-Brittle.

Michelle K said...

After we go to Jamaica, can we go to Ireland and get some whiskey?

Tech? Ummm... Well, I've got some steampunk stuff hanging around.

(looks in bag)

dirigible... telegraph... typewriter...

Ooh! I've got a musket loader!

(searches bag further)

(pulls out hat)

And a coon skin cap! Now I'm a proper Mountaineer!

(aims musket loader wildly around the deck)

err...

Maybe I'd best stick with my disemvoweller.

Jim Wright said...

Apologies for being off-station, I was up river patrolling for proper liberty sites.

And speaking of pansy-assed, what's with the liberal Trolls will be left whining for their mothers policy?

In the immortal words of my favorite movie of all time, "Ride until we find them... and kill them all!" I say if you really want to make the trolls cry, we take out their mothers first, followed by brothers, sisters, and pet budgies (trolls don't have fathers). Then we pour salt in their yards so nothing grows. Then we don't water their chia pets, so the furry little creatures wither and die slowly!

Sorry, but you did say something about bloodthirsty, right? Or was that just me. Hot damn, I'm all excited, I haven't been to war in three years!

Set Zebra. Set Condition Red, Weapons Posture One, Weapons Free. To the rails! Away the boats! Have at' em boys and girls!

Tom said...

'n, 'n, where's the 'n?

Oh NO! He's been de-CAPitated, too! Who gave the Arky trolls our de-CAPitator?

Tom said...

Good thing you're here, Jim. Nobody can find the redshirt.

Michelle K said...

(checks shirt)

Oh good. I don't even own a red shirt.

Nathan said...

Sumbudy called?

Sorry I was having some delicious roast chicken with stuffing and broccoli. It was excellent.

Jim, your plan has merit. Make it so.

Tom, are you off your meds again?

Michelle, I'm fine with the Ireland detour, but how about you specialize in morale from now on. That's right, give Janiece the Musket (wooden end first).

Anonymous said...

I jess got one thing to say,

"MUTINY"


GF

Anne C. said...

Oh no! As the lowest ranked character on this vessel, I'm expendable. [Looks hurriedly at shirt.] It's red! No!! [Starts to take off shirt and pauses as all guys casually turn to look.] Nevermind. [Straightens shirt.]

Dammit, I should have known with that promotion earlier. It was designed to give "pathos" and "meaning" to my death, wasn't it? Damn you!

The only way I can escape my fate is to rewrite my role...
GF has it! I'll take the advice of the "troll" and mutiny! Ha Ha! Take that, Uncle Nathan!

Trashes Galley with the Cat o' Talkin' To and empties all the turd-brittle magazines into the conn, before throwing myself off the side and drowning in the Sea of Retardedness. (Did you think I was going to let Jim get a hold of me after I mutinied? Hell no.)

Michelle K said...

(hands Janiece the muzzle loader)

I'm not purposefully dangerous. It's just that I'm clumsy is all.

Hmmm... Morale you say...

(dives back into bag)

(pulls out TV and DVD player)

Anyone wanna watch "The Princess Bride"?

Tom said...

Michelle, it's serendipitous that you offer. As it happens, I have a copy, and my assignment is to watch it. Which I did.

I now know who Vizzini is, and "the Man in Black" at first hand.

We are but poor, lost circus performers. Check

He's right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using. Check

My way's not very sportsman like. Check

We are men of action; lies do not become us. Check

She kissed me! Check

- I will never doubt again.
- There will never be a need.
Double Check

Everybody MOVE! Check

As you wish. (bows)

Nathan said...

Vizzini: Jump in after her!
Inigo Montoya: I can't swim
Fezzik: I only dog paddle.

Janiece Murphy said...

::Aims musket at the frantically dog-paddling Anne::

*Boom!*

So much for the Mutineers. That will teach those red-shirts to die with dignity.

Humph.

Bos'n, call a Tiger Team to the bridge to clean up all this turd-brittle. Or beam it to the Klingon vessel. Or something. Use your imagination.

Who is my Bos'n?

And where's that Weapons Officer? Probably off pillaging the villages and then asking the maidens to like him before he ravages them...

Nathan said...

Good shootin' Murph!

Mr. Nelson has been ordered to report in for duty. Make him your cabin-boy.

Nathan said...

Oh, and as a public service, some of you may have missed the high-tech screen cleaner systems linked in the post immediately before this one.

Just sayin'

Tania said...

Sorry Cap'n Nathan - my deep cover kept me incommunicado this afternoon. However, I can report on the placement of some mines and tracking devices in the lairs of the enemy.

Nathan said...

Tania,

We've been canceled. It happens to the best of them. Details back on the main blog.