Friday, February 22, 2008

The Gnat in the Hat.

Yesterday, over on Stonekettle Station, Mr. Wright posted his dainty thoughts about the scourge of internet trollery. As usual, a fine post. But then in the comment thread, things got ugly. People started claiming military titles to back up their future opinions. Others pointed out that they were already in possession of military titles and that their opinions trumped those of the other lesser ranks. Things were turning nasty in a hurry.

(O.K., it didn't happen like that at all, but its my blog and I get to make shit up if I want to.)

So anyway, I said I wanted a rank and Janiece had the temerity to say I could be TBFTL (Third bullshitter from the left), to which, in my usual measured and articulate manner, I responded, PPPBBFFBBBFFFTTTT!

Then, Mr. Senior Chief of the World, Wright, questioned why I'd want a military rank in the first place and suggested I might prefer something with a more "underworld" flavor to it. This thought has some merit.

Now, I won't claim any Sopranos-esque acquaintances, but I have, on occasion encountered grown men with names like Jimmy in the Kitchen, Bobby No-nose, and a personal favorite, Freddy Fish-face. I can now get behind the idea of Polybloggimous mobbing up. I will be your Capo di Tutti and positions are open for underbosses and other made-men (and women).

Use the comment thread to suggest my mob-name and to tell me what to call youse guyz!

Eric is free to choose a name, if he'd like, but we're going to have to keep his association strictly on the QT so he's available to be our mouthpiece if any legal difficulties should arise.


John the Scientist said...

Well, I'm torn between "Slim" (think Jim Croce) and Dima the Vodka Smuggler (all my "connections" are Russian Mafia).

Nathan said...

That's OK John.

Polybloggimous is an equal opportunity employer. Wouldn't want to run afoul of those laws.

::wink, wink::

Janiece said...

Don't be a baby. "Third Bullshitter From The Left" is a time-honored and fabulous title to have - everyone listens to what you have to say.

I like the idea of mobbing up, though. "The afraid, be afraid..."

I like Nat the Gnat for you. Just cause it makes me laugh.

I'll volunteer to be your female "muscle," and in a nod to my Irish Heritage, I'd like Murphy the Mick as my moniker.

You should try and recruit Christian from the "e" - he's a martial artist and critical thinker. A good man to have on "your side."

Jim Wright said...


Nathan, I nearly choked to death on my coffee, jeezus you are funny guy. I'm still laughing so hard I can hardly type.

Whooo! I need to take a breath.

Anyway, I prefer Jim "The Bowl Carver" Wright as my official mob name. We should do Fraternity names next, ala Animal House. And I agree, as the UCF's kept lawyer, Eric must remain pure - though in private we might call him "Briefcase" or maybe "Suit." :)

BTW, I was a never a Senior Chief, that's Janiece and Beastly (Shawn Riley). I was selected for Senior but turned it down so somebody else could get promoted when I was picked up for a commission. The proper title is "Warrant." But being called a Senior Chief is never an insult, so I'm still flattered.

Janiece said...

I think Jim's name should be "Wood is Good" Wright.


And I like "Gentleman Eric" for our kept attorney.

Signed, Murph the Mick

Eric said...

So I'm Tom Hagen now? I can totally live with that. But the title, Jim, is "consigliere." Show some respect, eh? It reflects well on the whole family when you do.

I'm astonished that nobody has suggested "Nathan The Moustache." I mean, come on, that's not obvious?

Nathan said...

OK, so far, we've got Dima the Vodka
Smuggler ('cause vodka's good), Murph the Mick (I was going to suggest leaving off the 'y') and I can live with "The Bowl Carver". It has a certain vague but nefarious sound to it.

Briefcase gets to pick his own name.

Nathan said...

Ooh, and the mouthpiece checked in.

I'm not loving any of my suggested monikers yet. I'll wait until the rest of the folks have checked in.

Eric said...

Oh, just being referred to as "The Consigliere" will be fine--granted, it's easier to cut'n'paste it than to actually type it in all the time, but it rolls off the tongue when you say it aloud and conjures up images of Robert Duvall, who's a total badass in every way.

Nathan, if we look at your avatar instead of your photo, "Babycheeks" is the first thing that comes to mind. That's not what you want, is it? Tho' it's true that any mafia-type called "Babycheeks" almost has to be a brutal psychopathic enforcer, probably someone who is well over 6' in height and has dodged every charge but one by being found incompetent to proceed and getting sent off to a maximum-security state hospital until funding cuts led to his discharge. The one time Babycheeks went to prison, he spent much of the time in solitary plucking the legs from spiders because the guards were terrified of him after that one incident in the common room nobody likes to talk about.

Nathan said...


"Babycheeks" (and his backstory), leaps to the top of the chart. Anyone who beats that deserves the win.

Thank you Consigliere. (I made that little head bow with the hand sort of twirling away, gesture indicating respect, in case you didn't see it.)

And Nat the Gnat, Jr. has joined up, but on the completely wrong thread. This indicates she's got the chops to fit in perfectly here.

A round of applause, please.

Eric said...

And once again The Consigliere manages to accidentally stumble ass-backwards into greatness! Glad to be of service!

(Now I really need to wrap some things up here so I can leave early. Catch y'all later....)

Jim Wright said...

Stop it!

You guys are killing (Killing me, get it? Huh? Huh?)

Baby Cheeks. I can't stop giggling.

The Bowl Carver, with a fit of the giggles. Well, at least I'm a cheerful mobster. You've got to love what you do, that's the secret to happiness.

Say, does this mean that GF (that would be Baby Cheeks' girl friend) is a gangster's mole? Cool.

Jim Wright said...

Mole, Moll

However you say it. I've got to find my copy of the Mob Dictionary, either that or watch Sopranos reruns.

John the Scientist said...

Well, my wife not be a moll, she would insist on being "The Tong". 'Cause she is OC.

Random Michelle K said...

I kinda like Dima the Vodka Smuggler.

For Nathan.

Not for me.

John the Scientist said...

Dima the Vodka Smuggler is me. Dima is the actual name of an actual Russian Mafiosi that I know.


I hope he's not readin' this. ;-)

Привет Дмитрий.

Nathan said...

GF wouldn't take kindly to that mole business. And since she's a moll, watch your back. Just sayin'.


Enough stuff goes over my head on my own blog. Spill with the Russian translation.

John the Scientist said...

"Hello Dmitry"

I guess that's your first Cyrillic comment. ;-)


Random Michelle K said...

OH. So Nathan already has a name and we're supposed to come up with our own mob names?

I don't know what I'd be, other than Mishka the something or another.

John the Scientist said...

Mishka the Fake Fur Swindler? ;-)

Nathan said...


I don't have an official name yet...just a really strong front-runner.

And I think Mishka the something or another is better than the Fake Fur

Random Michelle K said...

Actually, I kinda liked Mishka the Something or Another as I wrote it.

But didn't want to be pushy.

John the Scientist said...

Most of the things I remember Russian Mafiosi doing (like dealing in hard currency)don't lend themselves to nicknames. ;-)

Nathan said...

Our Mishka is enrolling in an underground organization of evil-doing mobsters...and doesn't want to be pushy.

Yes, we're polite mobsters.

John the Scientist said...

Nathan - can you see the Chinese I posted?

Nathan said...

Oooh! Russian and Chinese.

Yup! What's it say?

John the Scientist said...

"Do you want me to post in Chinese?"

MWT said...

Looked like it said "Do [verb] China?" That's "Jon Guo" there, not "Jon Wen." (Not that I can remember what "Wen" looks like without seeing it in front of me.)

Hmmm. Name. Can I just be "Cryptic" ?

Nathan said...

Cryptic works just fine.

And my blog's got folks arguing the proper way to write stuff in Chinese. How's that for intellectual exercises.

Take that Making Light slackers!

Random Michelle K said...


Mobsters should *always* be polite to each other.

Right up until they fit you for a pair of cement shoes.

--Mishka the Something or Another

Janiece said...

I think MWT should be "The Cryptic," not just "Cryptic."

Tom said...

Dis here's Tiny Tom. What youse callin da Brookly Bag some Baby name fuh?

Dat guy been da bag fuh many more deals dan I got finguhs left.

An' who deese udda guys? I tink I hoid uh Murph da Mick before, but youse udda guys betta watch youse don't get someboddy mad!

MWT said...

I shall be one of those shadowy figures that only ever appears in silhouette, possibly smoking a cigar.

-The Cryptic

Jim Wright said...

youse udda guys betta watch youse don't get someboddy mad

hmmm, I think The Bowl Carver is slightly offended by the implied threat, in a polite way. He's off to sharpen his knives and talk about himself in the third person.

Tom said...

Oh, for a second there, I though you said "the Bowel Carver!" (shudder)

Random Michelle K said...

(sipping vodka)

You have problem with us? Perhaps we can step out to discuss problem. You, me, and Sergei here, yes?

(Stands up and pulls Kalashnikov from the seat next to her)

Or maybe we can sit, drink vodka, and be good friends instead. That better is not?

Nathan said...


Stop taunting The Bowl Carver. He gets mean when he's riled.

And Mishka,

Don't be showin' off the hardware here in the candy store.

Sheesh! Bein' Capo di Tutti may be more work than I bargained for.

Random Michelle K said...

No problems! All are friends here, yes?

(sits back, replaces the gun under the table, pours two more glasses of vodka, and the picks up her glass)

You like some? Yes? Come sit and we share some good Russian vodka. All good friends here!

John the Scientist said...

MWT - do you have BIG 5 enabled? I'm always uncertain how the thing translates when I cut and paste form NJ Star. It should say "yao bu yao".

But I did make a typo in leaving out 語.

I was thinking in Japanese, though, should have said 中文.

Mea culpa.

Jim Wright said...

The Bowel Carver?


I like it, I do (fiendish giggle)

MWT said...

Ah yes, there it is.

I'm not sure what I have enabled, but I saw the characters. And didn't know what "yao" was before now. Remember, I'm functionally illiterate.

So the original version said "Do you want China?" ;)

Nathan said...

GF collects different sets of dishes, so, yes, I'll accept China.

John the Scientist said...

China the country you git. ;-) want it? Or just all the tea?

Nathan said...

I likes me some Orange Pekoe.

Random Michelle K said...


Seriously? Because our "china" is single settings from many different patterns. I have my grandmother's china, my husband grandmother's china, sets we picked up here and there, and sets my family got us for anniversary gifts. ("Pick something you like. If I don't like it, then I'll just give you that set when you come over for dinner.")

The nice thing is that who cares if I break something--it's not like anything matches anyway.

Anne C. said...

Me llamo La Argentina.

I shall sit with Mishka and sharpen my knives.

Janiece said...

And I shall hang around the bar and drink Cranberry Juice.

Murph the Mick

Eric said...

People, please: our bottom line will be much stronger if we "work out" our differences with the other families. Once we've got a lock on the internet and the other families understand their proper obligations to Babycheeks, then we can squabble amongst ourselves if that's how you really think the Don wants this organization to be run. But in the meantime, let's keep our eyes on the ball. And let's not do anything that might jeopardize any less-than-legitimate activities that Babycheeks doesn't necessarily know about and that I definitely don't want to know about. And that includes bowel carving, unless I just happen to see something in the paper and the bowels in question belong to someone from another household--no, you know what, nevermind. I still don't need to know.

And do I need to add that I hope that any unnamed person with an unspecified fully automatic weapon from an unspecified former superpower will be discreet in the hypothetical event she wants to use it to settle a purely academic dispute? I'm not preaching abstinence-only, I'm only talking about, let's call them "safe and responsible" activities, if you catch my metaphorical drift. Babycheeks really doesn't need any additional scrutiny from the Feds until I get this minor misunderstanding about liquor import duties cleared up. Okay?

-The Consigliere

Tania said...

Coming in late - I'd like to be a moll, so I can use my fabulous shoe collection. When not being referred to as "Doll Face", "Baby", or "Toots", I could also be called Tania TaTas. :snerk:

Hey Mishka, I'll take that glass of vodka.

Random Michelle K said...

The soul of discretion I am.

Tanya TaTas, please, sit, have vodka. We drink to friendship!

Tom said...

Frenchip. Ya, OK. I can be French.

Sorry, musta had youse guys mixed up wit some udder guys.

Vodka, good! (slurp) Tom like vodka.

neurondoc said...

Having renounced the name Nat the Gnat Jr, I've decided that I want to be Da Brainz -- after all every mob family needs someone who thinks she or he knows everything. It is extra fitting since I am a neurologist by day...