Thursday, April 3, 2008

Aspirations.

Update: Tania has Part 15 of Sophie From Shinola up on her blog.
The beginning, as always, can be found here.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You may recall that I had to be dragged, kicking and screaming into being a blogger. (OK, there wasn't any kicking and there wasn't any screaming, but there was certainly a little bit of whining.)

The question is, what do I hope to achieve with this blog. Simply put...I want to be an Oracle. Yes, you've read that correctly. I intend to be the prognosticator of all. I'm going to tell you all the truth and since I said it it will be true. That's the great thing about the internet. It's a form of print; and for years now we've known that anything in print must be true.

So henceforth, every once in a while I shall make pronouncements. And they shall be true. (So let it be written, so let it be done.) (That last owes something to Bryan and Chapter 14.)

So , tonight, I shall deliver a few fiats, declarations and edicts. They are true. Believe them and obey them.

-Contrary to popular belief, green M&M's do not make you horny. They have (since 1967), had bugs embedded that track your movements and conversations for the NSA.

-If you had only soaked your pet rock in 35-year-old Laphroaig, it would have conversed with you.

-It makes no difference who is elected President in November. The script for their Presidency is already written and enacted into law. (Vote for Obama anyway.)

-If you swallow watermelon seeds, even the immature little white ones, you will have a watermelon grow in your belly.

-I have to go out to Suffolk County on the Long Island Expressway tomorrow (AKA the big LIE). There are a million good reasons for the rest of you to take the Northern or Southern State Parkway and stay out of my way;

14 comments:

Jeff Hentosz said...

"So let it be written, so let it be done."

You're Egyptian?

Janiece Murphy said...

Great. Just great.

Just what we need is another GWB...

Nathan said...

I've always been a Decider.

Chris said...

"If you swallow watermelon seeds, even the immature little white ones, you will have a watermelon grow in your belly."

And I thought I was pregnant, which is kinda strange being I'm male and all...

Kate said...

Contrary to popular belief, green M&M's do not make you horny. They have (since 1967), had bugs embedded that track your movements and conversations for the NSA.

If that is true, it would explain my weight gain, and my sudden ability to watch HBO without a TV concerning the amount of metal that has been sitting in my stomach with whole watermelon plants.

Kate said...

You also forgot one:

Contrary to popular belief, if you remove your belly button with a screwdriver, your ass will fall off.

So say we all.

Eric said...

Actually, green M&Ms do, in a manner of speaking, make you horny... if you work for the NSA. Because nothing makes an NSA creep hornier than watching all those people being tracked by green M&M bugs light up the "big screen" at NSA HQ. Matter of fact, NSA HQ has pretty much been one big orgy since May, 1968. It's true. A friend of a friend who knew somebody who got a social disease while working at NSA told me.

Nathan said...

Oh, and Chris. I forgot all about this.

Tom said...

He has these unparalleled powers, and all he wants to use them for is to get a clear freeway? What a waste! At least kick in a close parking space, too!

Nathan said...

Tom,

I'm headed out to suburbia...land of the wide open parking lot. I'll use my unparalleled parking clearing powers on the way back to Brooklyn.

Jeri said...

Damn, and I soaked my pet rock in 35 year old *port* instead. If only I'd tried Scotch, I would be a happier and more well-adjusted person today.

The disadvantage to the wide open parking lot (besides the ugliness and lack of greenery) is that when you do find a parking place, it's 3/4 of a mile from the store (or theatre, or office, or whatever). I kind of like the bus & walk model of downtown. (Seattle has no subway or light rail yet.)

Wow, three parenthetical comments in one paragraph! Is that a good indicator of oracular capabilities? Or a bad omen?

Tania said...

Jeri, parenthetical statements are indicative of a mind that is operating on multiple levels. Much as the ellipsis is a sign of someone who is a deep thinker...

Hip deep in something, that is...

Chris said...

Oh Nathan, that was realllllyyyyy creepy!

Nathan said...

Chris,

He was on Oprah yesterday and they also had their neighbors, with whom they're friendly on. The neighbor said he was still trying to wrap his head around the whole thing and jokingly called it "a little sexually dyslexic."

I've got to admit, it certainly does take you by surprise.